(Closed) Do you and your SO have rules about opposite-gender friends?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How do you feel about SO having close female friends?
    No rules or limits at all - he has close female friends and I don't mind : (76 votes)
    39 %
    He has close female friends and we have discussed some limits (explain below) : (29 votes)
    15 %
    It's a non-issue since he doesn't really have female friends : (90 votes)
    46 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1001 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Fiance has a close female friend and they’re on a bowling team together (that I’m not on) and it doesn’t bother me.  She’s married, anyway.  It would probably be a different issue if I suspected they were attracted to each other, but it’s totally not the case.

    All my male friends are actually my female friends’ husbands, so no issues there, either.

    Post # 4
    Member
    115 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I’m not sure how to answer this poll because I trust him but it’s an issue that hasn’t yet come up.  He has some female friends but I guess I wouldn’t consider them “close” friends.  When he was moving cross-country he stayed with a good girl friend, but I never even asked about it. 

    If anything, the fact that he works with teenage girls all day long bothers me more.  I trust him completely, but that didn’t stop me from freaking out when I was 8 months pregnant and there they were with their little bodies and tiny clothes…

    Post # 5
    Member
    5263 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2012

    R has female friends from classes, etc. It doesn’t bother me in the least, although it did when we were in high school. 

    I might have a problem if issues started coming up (like if he was going over to another girl’s apartment alone or something) but I haven’t been jealous of his friends who are girls in years. 

    Funny thing, I randomly met one of his friends who is a girl on campus a few days ago and she was like, “oh I’ve heard so many stories about the two of you! You seem like the perfect couple.” If it hadn’t been for that last bit I might have wondered what he was saying about me. 😛

    Post # 6
    Member
    2289 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    He’s got close female friends, I’ve got close male friends and we have no problems with it. We’re fully 100% committed to each other, so much so that I really can’t imagine him cheating. I mean, I really can’t.

    Post # 7
    Member
    5273 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    We really don’t have any friends of the opposite sex that we would hang out with w/o the other being there. Our close friends are of the same sex.

    We have however, discussed how we want each other to handle friendships in the office. Even if we become friends with members of the oppostie sex (which we have) we agreed that we are not comfortable hanging out one on one with a person of the oppostie sex, unless its at least 3 ppl. We agree that we think its inappropriate to go out to lunch or whatever one on one with a member of the opposite sex (of course unless its an actual biz lunch or something like that.)

    Post # 8
    Member
    2208 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I have absolutely no problem with my FI’s close female friends, and he has no problems with my close male friends. Actually, I’m sure such a problem would have been a deal breaker long ago. We each came into our relationship with close opposite-sex friendships, and have developed additional ones since then.

    We just have a very independent relationship. I go out to dinner with just a male friend, for example, and he will hang out at a bar with just a female friend. Of course I would draw the line if things got fishy, i.e. he didn’t want to tell me about a female friend or vise versa. But we are very different people, and have very different friends needs, so we don’t always click with eachother’s friends. I tend to have nerdy, cerebral, very career oriented friends, and he tends to have more fun-loving, carefree friends. I don’t always have a lot to say to, for example, the pot-smoking yoga instructor or waitresses he knows, and he doesn’t really care for my pretentious lawyer friends. But we don’t hide these relationships, they just fill needs that neither of us can accomodate for eachother.

    EDIT: I should add that we may just be unique in that we both totally recognize that the kind of people we like to be friends with are often not the kind of people we want to date. I love to hang out with nerdy lawyers, but I would NEVER date a fellow lawyer. We’re CRAZY! Similarly, one of FI’s big attractions to me is that I’m career oriented and driven, so he isn’t going to start dating some hippy girl who doesn’t have a plan for her life. If we were hanging out with people who were actual competition, things might be totally different.

    Post # 9
    Member
    136 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    My Fi has a few close female friends, and while we’ve been together he’s done one-on-one things with them, and it’s fine.  There was even one that was interested in him romantically… But I don’t ever worry because he told me about it. He came home and was like, “OMG, most awkward night EVER!!!” lol!I trust him, and neither of us is really the jealous type so it’s not really an issue with us.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1684 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    It doesn’t bother me at all but I understand that I might be in a different position than many others. Fiance and I both have really close friends of the opposite sex.

    One of FI’s closest friends is a chick. They’ve been friends since kindergarten and went to college together. I think they “went out” in the 3rd grade, but that’s about it. Hah!  On the flip-side: my best friend from college is a guy – I was in his wedding 2yrs ago and he’s in ours as well. I’ve become friends with her on my own and Fiance will go hang with my college BFF on his own too.

    Before we were engaged Fiance and I talked about it – I’d have his kindergarten BFF as a Bridesmaid or Best Man and he’d have my college BFF as a Groomsmen. Since we’ve been together our friends sort of mush together so we’re each happy to have the other’s friend on our side.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2392 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Total non-issue.  I would never consider dating someone who would have issues with me hanging out with close male friends.  I’m pretty sure he’s the same way.  We both have a lot of good friends of the opposite sex, some of whom we’ve previously dated or slept with.  While we normally will hang out with friends together, it’s not an issue if occasionally we don’t.  We’re both of the opinion that we’re with each other because that’s who we want and being around other people we like as friends is not going to threaten that.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1154 posts
    Bumble bee

    Well, since I’m bi him not wanting me to have friendships with people of a gender that I’m attracted to would mean I wasn’t allowed close friends… at all… not cool.

    If we can agree that I’m capable of having non romantic close friendships with girls why wouldn’t he be capable of the same?

    Post # 13
    Member
    3162 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    He doesn’t have any close girl friends so it’s a non-issue but I have a lot of close guy friends. He has no problem with me hanging out with them because I made it a point to introduce him/have him hang out with all my male friends so he knew they weren’t sketchy and they also all have girlfriends/fiances/wives and Fiance has met their SOs as well. Non-issue. I wouldn’t marry a man who had a problem with me hanging out with my male friends because that means he has trust issues and f**k that.

    Post # 14
    Member
    485 posts
    Helper bee

    We don’t have any rules, as this has never really been an issue. My SO does have some female friends, but they are also my friends and I wouldn’t say that he is super-close to any of them. All his best friends are guys.

    I, on the other side, have two very close male friends. One is gay, so nothing would ever happen between us. The other one is straight, but he was in a very serious relationship (and is now engaged) when we became friends. I met this friend about 10 months before I met my SO. Since my friend was in a serious relationship when we met, there was really no chance of anything ever happening between us. My friend is the type who has a lot of female platonic friends anyway, so his Girlfriend knew that she had no reason to feel threatened by our friendship. My SO has never been bothered by our friendship and doesn’t mind me meeting my friend alone, because he knows that he can trust me 100 %. And I usually invite my SO whenever I make plans with my friend anyway. I love having a close male friend because he can always give me a male perspective on stuff, which helps me understand my SO better.

    To be honest though, I would probably feel a bit uncomfortable if my SO suddenly got a new female best friend, simply because it would be so unlike him as all his close friends are guys.

    Post # 15
    Member
    2821 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’m ok with him having friends that are girls.  He works in a place that is mainly girls so it would be hard not to and he has college friends that are girls

    What I do have a problem with is if the friend that’s a girl acts weird towards me or gets too flirty with him.  I trust him and he’s good at stopping flirtation and making it clear he’s not interested but I just think it doesn’t show true friendship on the girls part to flirt with a married man and so I lose a lot of respect for her (and luckily he also doesn’t want to be friends with people who don’t respect me)

    With both male and female friends we’ve decided what’s best for our relationship is not use them to vent out anger at each other, if we have a problem we need to go to each other and fix it.  Now I’m sure there are times when he’s going to want advice but we’re both fairly sexual people so mixing vulnerability and a relationship problem with someone of the opposite sex that is flirty, we both think is a bad idea so that would definately be crossing the line.  Emotional cheating counts to some degree – no breaking up but most definately an issue that would need to be addressed.  But luckily neither of us have put ourselves in that position. 

    I had a lot of guy friends growing up and all my relationships with them have changed.  It really depends on what their SO is comfortable with and I’m fine with that.

     

    Post # 16
    Member
    2392 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @Arachna: same here.  That’s probably part of why jealousy over my friendships is a total dealbreaker.

    The topic ‘Do you and your SO have rules about opposite-gender friends?’ is closed to new replies.

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