(Closed) Do you and your SO have rules about opposite-gender friends?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How do you feel about SO having close female friends?

    No rules or limits at all - he has close female friends and I don't mind

    He has close female friends and we have discussed some limits (explain below)

    It's a non-issue since he doesn't really have female friends

  • Post # 47
    Member
    139 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Fi has a few. There’s only one that I don’t fully feel comfortable around, but he rarely talks to her and I’ve only met her twice. 

    Post # 48
    Member
    570 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2009

    I’ve got close male friends, and he has a few female friends I don’t really know, but they are more pals then hang out all the time friends.  However, I couldn’t imagine putting a limit on his friendships, as I would know how livid I would be that he wouldn’t trust me enough that he would put a limit on mine.

    Post # 49
    Member
    1046 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I guess I’d be more curious to hear your reasoning for why having female friends is not okay.

    My Fiance has many female friends, many of which he has been friends with for many years. I love him, I trust him, he’s completely committed to me–why should I worry? He also doesn’t make any rules about who I hang out with because he also knows that I’m committed to him. I don’t need his female friends to be friends with me too–I don’t always like the same people that he does, but that doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t be able to hang out with them.

    Post # 50
    Member
    61 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Fiance has always gotten along really well with women. His best friend (who he liked for 4 years) in college is a happily married woman wih a baby, and he still keeps in occasional contact with female friends that I’ve never met (including a co-worker who he goes to classical concerts with). I trust him, especially because he’s been really great about my wanting to meet the women in his life whenever possible.

    However, every once in awhile the green monster rears its head and I get insecure. For example, I don’t particularly want his amazingly beautiful, talented ex-girlfriend from high school who apparently has a personality similar to mine at the wedding. But that’s negotiable if I get to meet her first. When that happens, I have to remember that he’s choosing me, most of these women are in stable relationships themselves and not looking to whisk him away, and that he’s never given me a reason to doubt him. Also, it means that he gets really good advice from some of them (like being told to write me letters while I’m in France)!

    Post # 51
    Member
    252 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I voted “he has close female friends and I don’t mind,” because of the nature of those friendships, and the way he handles them.

    Most of them are married. One of his closest friends is a woman, and I think they had a little mutual crush years ago, but it never went anywhere. A year before he met me, he went to her wedding. He is completely open in the way he interacts with them, re: me…….by that I mean, if he calls this one close friend if I’m in the room, he includes me in the conversation somehow. He has another friend who he used to have a big crush on in high school, but she’s now married with kids, so when we see her, it’s with her husband and with me.

    If he has female friends who aren’t married, he has more of a brotherly relationship with them. I know most of them.

    He’s just pretty open about his friendships, and about being with me, so it’s never been an issue.

    Post # 52
    Member
    1205 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I guess I’m in the minority on this, but Fiance has one close female friend and one close-ish female friend.  I have one close male friend, but Fiance is now good friends with him as well.  The only “limit” we discussed having is that we don’t talk about relationship problems with opposite-sex friends if we haven’t cleared it first with the other person.  This arose because we were going through a difficult period and he talked about it with his female friend but didn’t tell me.  They talked about things related to the relationship that he had never brought up with me before, and I felt cheated on when I found out–if you’re not comfortable telling me something, why are you talking about it with another girl?  It was totally benign, but it did make us think about whether we wanted, in general, to talk about placing some limits on opposite-gender relationships, and this is what we came up with.  Because my male friend is also friends with Fiance, it is easier for us to talk about everything; I didn’t like Fiance talking to some other girl who didn’t know me since I didn’t feel she had, necessarily, an accurate view of who I was and where I might be coming from on certain issues.

    Post # 53
    Member
    612 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    We haven’t talked in detail about setting boundaries or anything like that. I just personally wouldn’t feel comfortable going out to a bar alone with any of my male friends. No because I think I would cheat (I wouldn’t), but because I don’t want any gossip starting behind my back about it should one of our mutual friends see me. The Fiance feels the same way. We both think that once you are married certain activities are inappropriate…like going to the movies, bars, etc. alone with someone of the opposite sex. I could go with a group of guys, but that one-on-one is what is bothersome.

    The Fiance brought it up once while we were dating and honestly I hadn’t thought about it. When I got to thinking about it I agreed with him. I wouldn’t want anyone thinking I fool around on my husband because he is the greatest guy for me. It is more I care what other people think than worried about cheating.

    Honestly though, most my guy friends are uncomfortable hanging out alone with a married woman for the same reasons. The FI’s one female ex-friend though got angry and called me controlling. He cut ties with her because he said he would rather be friends with people who agree with his thoughts on an important issue than someone who goes around name calling because they aren’t get their way. It was kind of sad because I got along great with her, but it was my FI’s choice.

    Post # 54
    Member
    482 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Fiance has a very close female friend who he actually dated wayy back in middle school that he goes out to lunch with every now and again.  They were never serious and I’ve met her a few times.  She is married and just had a baby with her hubs.  She is really nice and I trust them. 

    I grew up with a bunch of boys.  Fiance was slightly uncomfortable at first with all of my guy friends, but now he considers them his own friends.  We have never had to put rules in place regarding opposite gender friends, and if he had tried, we wouldn’t have lasted.

    Post # 55
    Member
    163 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I wouldn’t say that we have rules, but there have been a few occasions where we’ve spoken to each other about specific people. My fiance and I have been together for 7 years, so a lot of this stuff is in the past. He has a very close female friend that obviously had romantic feelings for him–she antagonized every girlfriend he ever had, and used to ignore me when we were together, or call our house after 11 pm wanting to talk very intimately to him about her problems. I spoke to him about her, because I felt like he needed to set some boundaries with her, and now it’s all good. They’re still close friends but I feel like she respects that he is in a serious relationship, and needs to back off a little bit. Especially since we’ve gotten engaged, she has gotten a lot more friendly to me. I also can appreciate her a lot more for the good person I know she is. I think she was just having a hard time releasing her control over him.

    In terms of male friends for me, I have felt like over the years my close male friendships have mostly faded away. I for one don’t feel like being so close to guys who aren’t my boyfriend, for whatever reason. And it’s become clear that some of them felt more romantic towards me than platonic, so that’s caused problems in our friendship. It just seems like the longer I have been with my fiance and the more serious we’ve become, opposite sex friendships have become less important. But that’s just us, and it hasn’t been a major cause of friction in years.

     

    Post # 56
    Member
    10 posts
    Newbee

    In the beginning I used to get a little testy when he hung out with his female friends by himself, but now that we’ve been together a while I know I can trust him. Not only that, but I found that in getting over my crankiness, hanging out with them helped too, because I got to know them and I could see that they’re harmless, etc.

    Post # 57
    Member
    750 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    We have no limitations on each other’s friends. For heaven’s sake, I had a “dude of honor”. He has plenty of female friends, most of which I’m also quite close to. (We knew each other’s friends for years because we went to the same college and we didn’t meet each other until he’d been out of school for three years.)

    He only has one female friend I haven’t met and that’s because she was a work friend. They don’t work together anymore because he got laid off but they were so close that we invited her to the wedding. Unfortunately, she didn’t want to hang out with a bunch of strangers so she didn’t attend. I used to tease him that she was his work-wife but he didn’t appreciate it much.

    Post # 58
    Member
    2828 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    My FH really does not have any female friends, a few, but they aren’t that close, nor do they hang out often so it is somewhat a non-issue.

    I on the other hand have several very close male friends that I have established emotional & “scholarly“ bonds with — my FH has no problem with me seeing themspending time alone with them, though he does have a healthy interest in meeting those that are important to me (sometimes I think it is more of him making sure he is ok with the situation).

    If my FH wanted to have a close platonic relationship with a female friend it would only bother me if I never had the opportunity to meet her, or if she was a friend that did not “like“ me and was bluntvocal about it. Otherwise it would not be an issue.

    Post # 59
    Member
    281 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Fiance doesn’t have any close female friends, just guy friends. I hate to say this, but when you first meet him he kind of comes off as an a-hole because he’s so darn awkward- probably a big reason why. Even if he did have close female friends, I would trust him 100%. But for the time being, it’s a non issue. 🙂

    Post # 60
    Member
    2142 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Even though he was interested in 90% of his female friends at an early part of the friendship nothing ever came of it so I have never been concerned. He has changed quite a bit from when he liked those girls- four of us went out to dinner and when I went to a meeting the three of them went for coffee. Afterwards he said it was awkward because all they talked about was drinking (which he no longer does because of my emotional scars). There was one girl who I and several others could see was completely mooning over him and we had a minor tiff about that but that resulted in a discussian about how we feel we need to be treated in public (how much attention needs to be spent on each other). They were never “friends” so I barely count it, it was more an exercise in reconizing girls’ signals and how to shut them down early enough.

    Any rules we have, we actually have about me and my guys friends. He is not all that comfortable with the fact I am friends with an ex (even though I’m much closer with his girlfriend, who is also my stand partner.) One of my best friends used to be interested in me- and I in him- for all of two weeks in high school. Frankly my family and I see Z as a second brother more than anything else- my mom even sends him care packages. A situation arose that I called him to try to figure out how to resolve a problem (actually with the aforementioned moon girl) without trying to resolve it with my guy first. This offended my guy and I respect he is uncomfortable with my being so close to Z so we now have a rule that before we go to friends of opposite genders we need to try to talk to each other first.

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