(Closed) Do you believe engagements should be a surprise or discussed beforehand?

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 16
Member
2429 posts
Buzzing bee

Crazy OLD BAT here- I believe engagements should be spontaneous, mostly groom initiated, and never choreographed by the BRIDE TO BE.

Post # 17
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Every couple is different, what works for some doesn’t work for others..personally me and my fiance never really talked about “getting engaged” but we both knew that we were going to be together forever. He wanted the actual engagement/proposal to be a surprise, and it worked so I loved it!

Post # 18
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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cbops:  as 50% of the unit that would be forever changed in a major way by something as impact full as an engagement, I would have a serious problem if the other 50% didn’t see it necessary to discuss it with me and take my thoughts and feelings on the matter into account before acting. This would apply to any other major decision (and many much lesser ones) so im not sure why engagement would ever be any different.

I also wanted input with the ring because, since I would be wearing it forever, I wanted something we both really loved, and that was worth infinitely more important to both of us than any “surprise” ever could be. The details of my proposal were a complete surprise and that was fun.

Post # 19
Member
631 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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cbops:  I think it is important to discuss first so you are both on the same page about your future.  The surprise should be the act of the proposal, how he proposes but the engagement itself – which represents a longterm agreement of marriage, children, etc. – should be discussed beforehand.   As for a ring, I feel that me personally, I just dropped hints, sent pictures to his email, went ring shopping, etc. and he’s on his own to get the perfect ring 🙂

Post # 20
Member
3723 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
cbops:  I think it depends on the couple. Getting engaged is very serious and for me it was important that we discussed it beforehand. However, not related entirely, I would have loved a complete surprise proposal.

Post # 21
Member
3913 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
cbops:  I think marriage should be discussed beforehand. It’s all fine and well to have the proposal be a surprise, but I think it’s important to have the discussion of, “It will happen before [insert date]” and then be surprised from there. 

Post # 22
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

The romantic, old-fashioned part of me always liked the idea of unsolicited proposals. I used to daydream about DH proposing to me like that when I was in my early 20s. 

But then I grew up and realized that marriage is a legally binding contract that requires serious discussion. Not very romantic, but life seldom is. 

Post # 23
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

We discussed in general terms that we were both in this for the long term, and that the eventual plan would be marriage, but did not discuss any kind of timing. When he proposed it was a total surprise to me – I had figured that we were maybe six months away from starting to talk seriously about timing.  

He picked out and bought the ring himself. I love it, though I probably would have loved ANYTHING he picked out on the grounds that he chose it for the purpose of asking me to marry him. I think he did so with confidence that he knew I am completely missing the gene that cares about size or style or stones or 4 c’s etc.  I care deeply about other things, but not that, so I was guaranteed to love whatever he bought.

Post # 24
Member
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Proposal can be a surprise. 

Planning to eventually get engaged/married should definitely be discussed, and discussed in depth along with future goals, kids, career path, etc.  I think it’s extremely important to make sure a couple is on the same page with their life goals.  Too many people jump right into marriage only to later find out things that should have already been discussed. 

Post # 25
Member
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Personally, I would not have wanted to be surprised by an engagement. I think it puts a lot of pressure on the person being asked to say yes. And it would be so horrible to have to say no! So I’m a big fan of discussing marriage beforehand. I would not have wanted my husband to ask me before I was ready and we specifically discussed that and I asked him to wait to ask until I was ready. 

Post # 26
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

Getting engaged should absolutely not be a surprise. But the details of picking a ring and how the proposal happens can be a surprise if both people want it to be.

Post # 27
Member
13240 posts
Honey Beekeeper

The idea that you agree to spend the rest of your lives together is the definition of being engaged. No proposal or ring required. So I guess I have to say that if it’s discussed beforehand, and an agreement reached, you are already technically engaged. 

Post # 28
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

 

It should DEFINITELY be discussed. I mean, the proposal itself should be something of a surprise, but the act of getting engaged and moving toward marriage 100% needs to be a joint decision with both parties on the same page. I say this because I HAVE had to turn down a proposal (thank God it wasn’t in public) and it really scarred me (not to mention him) and left something of a bad taste for romance in general in my mouth for a while.

And on a side note, I think the ring should also be discussed to some extent, because even if I had said yes, the ring was awful. It was HUGE, but not in a good way, and didn’t suit me at all. It still makes me sick to think of how much he spent on something I ultimately rejected in every way possible 🙁

Post # 29
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee

Personally, I think the proposal and ring should be a surprise but it shouldn’t come out of left field. Marriage should have been discussed priviously so that when he asks, there shouldn’t be a doubt in his mind that she’ll say yes. As far as the ring goes I’m fine with dropping hints and preferences but I think he should pick out the ring the same way he would any other gift. The same way you may make a christmas list but you don’t actually go pick out/purchase your own presents.

Post # 30
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think marriage should be discuss before hand. I like the idea of the actual proposal being a suprise. 

The topic ‘Do you believe engagements should be a surprise or discussed beforehand?’ is closed to new replies.

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