(Closed) Do you believe engagements should be a surprise or discussed beforehand?

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 31
3387 posts
Sugar bee

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cbops:  I definitely think that a couple should be on the same page regarding marriage, so I guess in some way that takes away from the aspect of a proposal being 100% a true surprise.  On the topic of the proposal and the ring?  Well, that is individual to each couple.  FI and I spoke at length, and he knew how important the engagement ring was to me.  It becomes a part of you, something that you wear every day for the rest of your life.  I’m pretty picky, so he graciously let me choose my ring.  It took almost a year and half to pick it, but I found the perfect one.  And even though I knew he had purchased the ring, and was expecting a proposal, it was still a surprise/exciting in the moment 🙂 

Post # 32
592 posts
Busy bee

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Sashley:  This!

i think marriage and engagements should be discussed. I didn’t choose my ring but I did show him what I wanted so he had an idea. I was lucky enough to get an heirloom ring.  Proposals can be a surprise though. 

I don’t think there is anything worse than not being on the same page with someone in that regard. I was 100% ready for my proposal but had he proposed to me 2 years earlier, I don’t know how i would have reacted. 

Post # 33
1095 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Depends on the people. 

My Fiance were really clear about being serious about one another, discussed our future, definitely wanted to get married etc. We also went ring shopping. Movie proposals are just fiction and probably rarely happen these days. These days, things like money,families, expectations of gender roles, career etc. Are what define the happily ever after, and those need to be discussed at length before committing to a life together. 


Post # 34
3109 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

You need to be on the same page about your future together, as for the actual proposal and ring that’s  up to each individual couple.

Post # 35
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015 - On a Cliff Overlooking the Bay, Florida


cbops:  we talked about “our” future together all the time and we were on the same page. Engagements should be discusses but the actual proposal can be a surprise. I had a feeling the proposal was coming sometime soon because he can’t hide things very well and he gets all cute trying to make up someting when I ask what he did today, then I know he’s doing some kind of surprise for me.

The ring and actual proposal was a nice surprise for me. He designed the ring with the help of the Jewler (a close family friend of his parents manages a locally owned high end jewerly store) and suprised me on a tuesday evening at our house.

I have always thougth it was weird (personal opinion) when the girls picks out the ring and/or gives demands on size/shape of what ring she wants. I was always brought up an engagement ring is a symbol of love from the man and should be his or mostly his decision.

Post # 37
5083 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

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weddingmaven:  I agree. 

I know that a lot of people on here already decided they were going to get married, maybe even picked out a ring themselves and then are just waiting for a proposal to consider themselves to be engaged. That just seems redundant to me. I consider being engaged to be the point at which you decide to get married, ring or not, proposal or not. So no, I don’t think it should be a surprise, I also don’t really like the idea of a traditional proposal. But whatever floats your boat go for it.

Post # 38
1311 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly I think it’s a little ridiculous that, in this day and age, its still basically 100% the mans choice whether or not he proposes and the woman is left waiting (we even have a waiting board here…)

But for personal reasons, I would want to know beforehand (and I did). It was important to me that he didn’t do a huge elaborate proposal, And also both partners should be ready for marriage and in agreement on a lot of things before marriage. 

Post # 39
109 posts
Blushing bee

Life plans and the marriage should be discussed prior. You need to both be on the same page on the intended purpose of the relationship. In terms of the waiting period that is due to being in different life stages. I think that if you find a partner that is already established in their life the proposal will come as long as the discussion of the relationship intention has been discussed prior. Basically have set criteria for dating if a healthy marriage is a priority, to emphasize I said marriage not a wedding. The proposal is the final step in the “negotiation” even with all the fantasy and Pinterest boards marriage is a “business transaction” you are agreeing to merge with another entity. In using this mindset you should be very aware of all aspects of the merger whether that is the financials, culture, and goals of the other entity. 

As for the ring that is up to the couple. I too find it a bit redundant when the bride chooses the ring prior to a proposal but everyone is different. I had a stand in ring and then we picked my engagement ring together.

Post # 40
3308 posts
Sugar bee

Getting married is a choice, and it takes two people to make a marriage. I wouldn’t like being proposed to out of the blue without any previous talk of engagement/marriage/future.

My SO and I have spoken about our future, we know eachothers goals and aspirations. We even have a 5 year life plan lol.

My SO knows how particular and anal I am about even the SMALLEST details, so ring-wise, I have given him the specs so I will get exactly what I want (I made sure he liked it first 😛 ).

I have an inkling he is going to propose in January when my braces come off…. (HOORAY!)

Post # 41
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m a ‘same page’  with the concept of moving forward with an engagement and a marriage 


I don’t mind being surprised, but after a point you know it’s coming,  for us we actually have a date set,  so now I’m physically running down the clock lol 

But  as far as the ring,  he said at some point in our discussions ‘I need as much help as I can get’ .  

So I joined pinterest that week.  Set up a board and stated pinning.  After another week or two sitting on the couch I grabbed his phone,  downloaded pinterest signed him in,  gave him the password and said.  Here.  Use it.  Don’t use it. I don’t care this isn’t any pressure it was merely based on your comment.    But if I say. No… it’s on you.


So That was maybe a year ago.  A couple times we would go through the list together and discuss what we liked and why. . And I would periodically pin more and delete what I had kind of grown away from in terms of preference. 


He showed me the second ring my best friend vetoed.  It was absolutely stunning.  So I have faith he picked something good! 

Post # 42
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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poutyunicorn:  Same for us!

We talked about how what we want out of marriage, how we’d raise children, etc but never the actual proposal, engagement, the ring or even a wedding. It was all a complete surprise and perfect for us. 

Post # 43
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

My SO and I have been talking about getting married for a while now. I think it’s very important to be on the same page as a couple before asking the question. 

Post # 44
1039 posts
Bumble bee

Discussing marriage? Definitely.

but the actual proposal including picking out the ring? Surprise would be my preference.

Post # 45
447 posts
Helper bee

I think it’s definitely subjective – and a lot more common than I expected.

My SO and I are very open about our engagement. I have a rough idea for timeline, we try on rings and are likely going to pick something out together. The only thing that will be a surprise is actually how he’s going to propose, which I’m fine with. And I think a lot of people are like us.

I think for a lot of couples, there’s a lot of need for planning and discussion. In our particular case, we are still long distance for the time being, so a timeline makes sense. There’s also the matter of all the not-so-romantic aspects of being engaged that are worth discussing before there’s a ring on your finger (i.e. can we afford a wedding? can we afford a marriage? are we successful individually to a point that we feel we can be successful as a partnership?)

But there is something to be said for couples who go the traditional route! I love the idea of being 100% surprised but it’s just not really feasible for us!

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