(Closed) Do You Believe in Alimony?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you believe an ex-spouse is entitled to alimony payments?
    Yes : (15 votes)
    37 %
    No : (11 votes)
    27 %
    Sometimes - I'll explain below : (15 votes)
    37 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2091 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I don’t think anyone is entitled to alimony payments. If a spouse wasn’t working during the marriage, and then they get divorced, and they are left high and dry.. well, I hate sounding like a terrible person for saying this, but I really think it’s their own fault. I know the economy is bad and getting a job is hard, but… it seems like they put themselves into that situation and they should deal with it the best they can. Unless they have an actual physical reason for not being able to work, I don’t think anyone should get alimony. Or something like, alimony for a certain period of time while they look for a job. But alimony that’s basically for as long as they live? No way.

    Of course, if there’s children involved, it’s a totally different situation. But I don’t know how that would work, would you get child support and alimony, or just cs?

     

    ETA: A couple I know got a divorce a few years ago. He has a very prestigious job, makes a 6-figure salary, has a 7bd/4br house, while she stayed at home not working during the entirety of their 20+ year marriage. He offered alimony payments, but she declined. She now lives in a bachelor apartment and works 2 jobs. She didn’t want to depend on her ex-husband for money. I respect and admire her for that 🙂

    Post # 4
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Not really. I’d call that person a gold digger. But i believe in standing on your own two feet, married or not. You shouldn’t be mooching off your ex-husband’s purse strings…i have too much dignity for that, but i imagine if my husband turned out to be an ass, i’d probably want to squeeze every dime out of him I could. But I feel like if you marry a rich man and want the “rich husband benefits” then you should stay married. If not, you give up those benefits.

    Children–that’s a different story. You should have to help out your spouse if he/she is raising your children and has custody. (i’m thinking child support, though)

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    7053 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    This is imho, one of those situations that are difficult to call an opinion on until you’ve lived thru it, and sadly I lived thru it.

    I am a  professional woman, working in medicine, but took a break for a few years and entered the sales arena and went to work with my now, ex husband, running a division of his company (ran it well.  Very well).  I also helped him build and grow his company for quite a few years, but when I got pregnant, I developed severe preeclampsia, delivered our son (emergency) at 7 mos., and spent the next year working with my son, who was premature, helping him catch up with the other kids.

    I continued to work a little, but we made a decision that I should be a stay at home mom until he was three, so I could be there for our son, as we were worried there’d be developmental issues (thankfully, there were none).

    So, for the first time in my life I was not working, and for a period of 3 years.  We had a successful company, and I also wrote all of the press-releases and conferred with my then husband about big decisions throughout my time as a stay at home mom.  However, our company grew too fast, and the money went to his head.

    I found out by accident (he never would have told me) he was having an affair when my son was 3.  We had just built our dream home when I found out it had been going on for over six months.  I was devastated but asked him to attend counseling with me and wanted to see if he would work on things.  Our relationship wasn’t bad at all, it was that he felt ENTITLED to simply more than 1 woman.  He refused to work on anything, did not go to counseling, and continued to see her so I did what I had to do.

    I sadly filed for divorce, knowing he would not change and seriously he didn’t (he is going thru yet another divorce right now in fact).  He found out I filed, but tried to beat me to the punch with a ridiculous offer of child support and custody.  Instead of feeling guilty or having any remorse, or just simply try to do the right thing and be fair in our division of assets, he played hardball telling me what I’d get and when.

    Knowing I’d have to start my life over again, this time however, far away from family in a different state, and re-entering my medical profession again (I would never work with my x husband ever again) would take time.  Because of this and his inability to be fair with any division, I asked for child support and spousal support, to aid me in starting my life over.

    And yes, I did need it.  He his money and assets all over the globe.  Deliberately transferred them to his parents, and tried to literally have me penniless, living on the streets.  Most people divorcing are fair to their partners, but when my then husband, found out I would not be sticking around to take the pain of his unrepentant adultery, he decided to instead “stick” it to me financially and I had a child to raise.

    I do  not at all regret asking for spousal support, and got far less than what the courts would have given me, but I was so tired and sad over his negative choices that I refused to fight him legally any more.

    There is nothing wrong with a situation where one spouse is far more wealthy than the other, or in a situation like mine where I helped BUILD our company, and then left the work arena when we as a team, thought it best I be home with our child in the first few years of his life (as it was important, he was a preemie, and we could easily afford that). 

    Today, my nasty x is going thru a divorce now (he remarried the day after our D was final) and the poor woman is getting nothing, because he squandered his $ and got fired from his job (he merged his company with another shortly after our divorce and his partner fired him). 

    What my advice is to anybody is to be wise.  Don’t make assumptions when it comes to a divorce.  Hopefully no one here will endure what I did, or go thru that pain, but if you do simply be wise.

    If there aren’t kids, both are working then equally divide things.  I’d know I would personally be decent to anybody I might have loved enough to marry and tried to be fair in dividing assets with my x, but he wasn’t fair or nice. 

    Each situation is unique, and should be considered as such imho.  I seriously would laugh at anybody who called me a golddigger.  Nah, those would have been the women he spent his $ on, on the side.  Not me. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    2867 posts
    Sugar bee

    I believe in it.  My fiance doesn’t.  If one spouse takes time off to take care of the home and children, they should be paid for it–I believe alimony is appropriate in that case.

    EDIT: Women who take time off to support a family are often penalized not only with regards to lost wages but also time away from their careers.  My fiance and I agreed that one of use will be with (future) children until they start grade school, more than likely, it will be me.  It’s a sacrafice that I’m willing to make but if our marriage ended, I’m not going to go without some sort of payment for the work I put into the home.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3564 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I believe in it as well…ditto what @bellenga: and @beekiss2: said. Often, it is women who get screwed over because they stay home to raise kids or support their husbands’ careers, and so they lose valuable job skills or lose their place in the job market. Sure, it was their choice to do that and stay home but I don’t think they should be punished for a choice that was probably made when the marriage was happy and when staying home probably made the most sense/made both parties happy. I don’t see why alimony shouldn’t be paid in most situations. If you’re worried about gold digging, well that’s what pre nups are for. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    7053 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    @Hilsy85:  Exactly!  And my dh and I had the talk about alimony, but since wer’e both fair folks, we know we would never screw over each other but then again, we’re not ever getting divorced either!  That was one basis for our decision to be together.  We have both been divorced and never going to go thru that pain ever again!

    With what happened to me, seriously the only gold digging was from the cheating going on with the now ex husband and his on-the-side-gold-diggettes!

    Post # 9
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    @bellenga, i hope you don’t think i was referring to you! your situation is, by far, the most extreme i’ve ever heard of. I’ve known people IRL (parent’s friends, etc) whom i’m referring to who just take advantage of the situation present and it really is a shame. I think some folks are perfectly content to mooch off it–I’m sure many use it to just piece their lives back together.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1629 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Depending on the situation I think it’s okay for like a year so they can get back on their feet.  I definitely don’t think they should automatically get a payout for the rest of their life though.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1641 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    @bellenga: I think you are very good example of why alimony is needed in some circumstances.

    Because it’s fairly new in the entertainment-gossip world. Kelsey Grammar’s now ex-wife just received a $50 million settlement. Some people may scoff at that amount of money, especially since she does seem kind of like a pain in the rump on the RHOBH. However, it sounds like she was with him during the years he was working on his sobriety. I am sure there was a lot of stress during that time. I am sure by having more kids and being married to a fairly attractive woman helped with his image that he was now living a clean life.

    It seems that he decided to move on to another relationship, get that woman pregnant and declare that they were engaged even before he divorced his wife. He wanted out, so frankly, I kind of appauld her for having a good enough attorney to go for a higher pay out.

    In the non-entertainment/reality televsion-world, I have known couples who were married for under 2 years and did not request alimony. Oh but wait. There was one woman I worked with who got married, within a year was divorced and received no alimony. Then she decided she wanted alimony months later. That wasn’t going to happen so she then decided that she made a “mistake” and wanted to get back together with her ex-husband! Good grieF! No was surprised when he declined her request.

    So, there are some people who unfortunately, will try a milk another person for whatever they can. And there are circumstances in which a partner has dedicated their life to tending to the household/children/relationship/lifestyle/image and even though they didn’t work outside the home, they should be compensated for the work they did in the home.

    It’s easy for people to say “Oh, they should have done this or that” or “It’s their fault, they should have….” you just don’t know what it is like to be in someone else’s position.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1269 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I believe in it but I think the courts should look at each case differently.  A couple, both working, I’m not sure there should be any spousal support.  But if one spouse doesn’t work, especially to take care of the house and/or kids, they should be entitled to support for awhile.  I would want support while I take time to go back to school. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    7053 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    @Emilygrace07:  There was a definite time period of alimony set by the courts, and my x literally destroyed me financially after I filed in a matter of days (ran up credit cards, bought another expensive vehicle, and hid money) and the judge was fair, but the x had hidden the assets well by court time.

    There is rarely a lifetime SS given, unless it is a very very long term marriage, or else there are many young children to raise, and sometimes it’s far cheaper to have the mom at home raising alot of little ones rather than paying so much to a day care.  I know of two women who almost pay out more to a day care than their take home pay is. 

    You have to weigh things.  Usually it is 7 years or less.  That’s what my attny told me years ago. 

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    9056 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I agree with it in on a case by case basis.  Like others above have said, people in marriages often make sacrifices.

    My husband works for a federal agency that transfers their employees a fair bit, sometimes to very remote places.  There will potentially be times that I either can’t find a job or will be underemployed.  At best, I’ll never really ecrue the same pension/vacation time that he will as we’ve made a choice to follow his job. 

    We do things now to equalize things ex. I have a larger self funded retirement account (RRSP) than he does.

    I would think that we would have some arrangement if god forbid we ever did get divorced, as I don’t think either of us would believe that I should be punished for a decision we made together.

    Post # 16
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    This is such a minefield of a topic! I think alot of people agree on this one, though.

    The topic ‘Do You Believe in Alimony?’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors