Post # 1
I’ve always been of the school of thought that it’s not about the person, it’s about the mindset. If you’re not ready to be committed and work your ass off for your marriage, nobody is going to be the “right” person. However, if you’re in the right mindset to make a huge commitment and mature enough to understand how difficult marriage is, I think a lot of people could end up being the “right” person.
That being said, there are little things that DH does that make me believe he is the guy I’m willing to work my ass off to be with. For example, when times get tough, it always brings us closer together, and we are able to work so well as a team when it comes to problem solving. Problems that come up in life are always easier with him by my side.
Does that make him my soul mate? I don’t know about that. But I know he’s one of the few people in the world I would be willing to work this hard to keep around.
Do you believe in soulmates? Or do you think it’s about compatibility and dedication?
Post # 3
@QueenOfSerendip: No, I do not believe in soul mates. I think that concept is completely ridiculous and absurd. Then again, I don’t believe in souls and I’m not religious so there is that about it 😛
Post # 4
I think if I had never met my FI that I could be happy with a lot of different people in the world. So no, I don’t really believe in soul mates.
I mean, if there really are such things then what are the chances all of us on the bee just happened to meet ours? I certainly don’t think that soul mates would just happen to live close to one another. Mine could live in China for all I know and we would never meet. IF soulmates exist, I think people probably rarely meet their’s.
Post # 5
@adoc86: +1, this. There are plenty of people in life who I could connect with…in fact, there are plenty of people in life who I have connected with. Of course I love my husband the most and feel most compatible with him, but do I honestly believe that couldn’t happen with any of the other billions of people in the world? No.
Post # 6
Yes, sort of.
I’ve been very picky and I feel it was well worth the time and effort. I’ve never gotten along with any human being better than I get along with FI. It’s amazing how perfect we are for each other, there’s very few “chafing points” and they’re all little things that don’t have the ability to snowball into Big Things over time.
I’m sure he’s not the only person on this planet with a personality that matches so well to mine, but as for the chances that I would meet and get to know another such person, who would be male, single, close to my age, and speak English (or I would speak his language)? I don’t think the odds are that high.
Unlike many (most?) people I don’t have any ex-boyfriend horror stories. Not that they were all perfect, but they were all decent human beings and especially the 3 other guys I dated long term and considered marriage with, they were really great guys, and I’d easily recommend them to the right woman as the guy who could make all her dreams come true. All HER dreams though, not mine. I broke up with each of them when I realized there was a big stumbling block between us that meant that we could not make each other’s dreams feel fully realized (within the extent of an imperfect reality. More a sense of completeness, alliedness, and fulfillment, than any specific goal).
I understand to a certain extent it is important to “love the one you’re with.” But, for whatever reason I have a very strong aversion to divorce, and an even stronger aversion to feeling trapped in a mistake I made, so while it has always been my plan to work very hard to “love the one I’m with,” it has been as much or even more important to “choose the one I want to risk my future on very carefully.” I do say “risk” because I see it like doing anything else that’s more-or-less irreversible. You can never know for 100% sure what the future brings, what someone will do in the future, but when I agreed to marry him, I basically jumped off that cliff, past the point of turning around heading down a different path, hoping that we’ll fly rather than splat. Our wedding vows will be the formal commitment I’ll make to this flight/fall. It’s a huge deal to me. And it does mean that I trust and respect him profoundly deeply, I am putting my future in his hands… as he is putting his in mine.
Post # 7
I didn’t, but now I don’t know! I can’t imagine anyone else making me as happy as DH does.
That being said, one of my friends just became a young window, and I don’t want to think that her soul mate is GONE and that means she’s doomed to be alone or in a shitty relationship for the next 60 years!
Post # 8
Of ALL the people in the world, to believe that there is only one person you could work with is a bit ridiculous to me. And that you happened to encounter that person in your life, at a time when it worked for both of you….it’s more an equation of attraction and timing, in my mind.
But I guess if you’re a believer in fate, anything can be possible?
Post # 9
I have the same answer I always do – I don’t believe in a single soulmate, but I do believe in kindred spirts -people you somehow connect with on a deeper level. You can be friends with someone your whole life and never be kindred spirits, and you can know someone for a short time and be kindred spirits. To me, it’s unexplainable.
DH and I are kindred spirits and when you blend that with attraction and similar worldviews/values, it makes us perfect for one another. I have two long-term friends (one male, one female) I would also consider kindred spirits, but there is no attraction and a romantic relationship would not work with them.
Post # 10
I don’t beilive in soulmates. I think when I was younger it was easier to think that way. But once you start living in the real world, my feelings changed because it became about more then I like this person and they like me.
I also think a lot of it is about timing. Becuase I know plenty people who meet someone but aren’t at the same place in life and ready to settle down.
Post # 11
BTW, I also believe it is perfectly ok to be a bachelorette for life, and that this can be fully satisfying. I’d rather be a “lifelong free agent” than have tied myself voluntarily to someone who could not make me happy due to an inherent personality mismatch. I’d feel it was my own damn fault for not being more careful in making that decision, and while I would honor my obligation, that’s just what it would feel like: an obligation, a burden, more than anything else. I’d always have to fight not to blame him for not being the man I wanted when I was the one that went ahead and freely committed to him without fully verifying that to the best of my human ability, first.
This is what almost happened with my last serious boyfriend. He was a good man, treated me as well as he possibly could and he wanted to marry me. I was confused over the difference between “settling” and “compromise.” I’m so freaking glad, to the point I cannot express, that at some point some kind of “survival type” instinct went off in my head and I had to break things off. Burdened with guilt, but even more raised up by a sense of freedom and being alive again. I realized I may never find a “soulmate,” and while there would be a wistful element to that if so, my life could still be joyful, vibrant, and complete. I also know that one may stumble upon love at any time, even in one’s 80s or 90s, so hope is never gone, the only thing that would really eliminate it would be just not having any desire for it anymore. But you know, a desire that is unmet is not the most unbearable thing in the world. That’s what I really appreciated. We don’t always get the (whatever) of our dreams, but that’s ok, we can still be very happy. It is just way, way harder to feel that free and happy when you’re dragging around a ball-and-chain that you yourself voluntarily welded to your own ankle. And what about that poor ball-and-chain, who is in actuality a human being with just as much right to a free, joyful, and fully satisfying life as you? How is it kind to them to reduce them to being someone’s ball-and-chain rather than someone else’s soulmate, or whatever other beautiful thing they could have been?
I felt very guilty for breaking up with that ex, he didn’t handle it very well or accept it very easily. But when I realized that not doing it would have not only been cruel to myself, but cruel to him as well, I let a lot of that guilt go.
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2016 - Santa Barbara Courthouse
I 100% believe in soul mates. I think that there are people designed for us as friends or lovers that we are destined to meet and have relationships with. I’m not sure if I believe that soul mates are meant to stay together forever… sometimes I think we’re just supposed to learn from them or connect with them and move on. (Again, friendship-wise or otherwise.)
I absolutely know that there are people in my life that I was destined to meet and that I feel a spiritual connection to that is absent with other people. As for my fiancé, I know that she is absolutely designed for me and I for her. Yes, we still have to work at our relationship and we go through rough patches like everyone else… But we were made for each other and meant to be together.
I’m a bit of a romantic, can you tell? 🙂
Post # 13
I was only 14 when I first saw FI. I was completely infatuated with him from the moment I saw him. We didn’t start dating until a year later. I had a couple of short term boyfriends inbetween then – but none of them gave me that feeling like he did. A year later we started talking and then dating. 8 years later we are getting married, and could not imagine being with anyone else, and haven’t thought that way in 7 years. So, im going to be corney, and say yes I do believe “the one”
Post # 14
@QueenOfSerendip: i believe in my own version of soul mates, yes, but i think you can have many soul mates (i.e. i have two girlfriends i also believe are my soul mates, and i was with a guy once who was certainly a ‘soul mate’ in many ways.) however, i do not believe in the concept of ‘the one’. i believe humans are not naturally monogamous creatures, and to get married is to make a commitment and conscious decision to be with one person whom you love and respect for the rest of your life. i believe people could be happy with many other people.
Post # 15
@missjayb: mmm yes i like your explanations. very eloquently put.
Post # 16
I think “soulmate” can be an excuse sometimes. It’s kind of dangerous to believe that you only have one person. If you are crazy about someone you can say “We should get married because we’re soulmates.” If you argue and things don’t work out it’s “We just weren’t soulmates.” It takes away the choice and work. Those are the things I believe in.