Post # 1
Talking about family and friends. Darling Husband and I come from VERY different backgrounds, meaning I was raised strict and he was babied all his life.
In my household growing up we had chores everyday, we had a job at 16 and paid for our own car insurance, we had a curfew, if we wanted to go to the movies or something we had to do chores in order to earn money to go (not our regular chores), and we had to help on Saturdays with cleaning cars and such. There was no sleeping in on the weekends. We washed our own clothes, sheets, etc. Made our own dinners if we were hungry.
Now in DH’s household growing up, his mom did EVERYTHING. By that I mean, cleaned everyone’s clothes, hung them up, put the bible on everyone’s pillow, cleaned the WHOLE house by herself, cooked dinner, and if the kids came in and sat on the couch and said “Mom make me a sandwich I’m hungry.” She would do it. They didn’t have any responsibilies when they were younger. They could miss school whenever and come and go whenever.
**Not saying anything is bad with what was going on at his household. For some families that works.**
Fast forward to now. I don’t baby Darling Husband. I make dinner and bring it to him but that is the extent of that. lolI have always thought that “If you are not disabled then you can get up and do things yourself.” Well, I don’t think that is going over with him mom very well. Everytime I ask him to do something and he doesn’t she wants me to do it for him.
Example: He has to do some testing for his new job. He expects me to set up the appointments with the different facilites so he can go test. I told him that’s not going to happen. He complained and his mom overheard on the phone and told me I need to relax.
Okay so I’m a bitch when it comes to people mooching off other people. I think his mom thinks I’m a total bitch because I do treat Darling Husband like a kid sometimes. It’s what I have to do because he acts like he can’t do anything for himself.
I don’t want my Mother-In-Law to hate me but I don’t want to change how I was raised. What do I do? Do you ladies care what other people think about you?
Post # 3
I was raised like your Darling Husband (until I was old enough to realise how bad that is and I cut myself loose from it) and I hate seeing it! My sister gets treated that way too and it’s horrible. Honestly, if I was in your shoes I would keep doing what you’re doing and try to not let it bother you. You can’t please everyone right?!
I used to care what people thought of me when I was younger, I wanted everyone to like me and approve of everything I was doing. It didn’t end well and I found myself pleasing other people instead of myself, and never getting the same in return.
Now, I am who I am and if people don’t like it then too bad.
Post # 4
Generally, it sounds like your Mother-In-Law needs to butt out and your husband needs to quit bringing her into the fold when he doesn’t get his way. That’s so immature.
Post # 5
WOW. I was raised like your Darling Husband, but I became more like you. My Darling Husband wouldn’t have the balls to ask me to set up his testing. like what?! I’m not your secretary.
I normally don’t care what people think about me, but in terms of Mother-In-Law I would probably do anything to gain her acceptance. I am scared sh*tless of her!
Post # 6
I think its time for your Mother-In-Law to stay out of your business. Your husband is an adult and should act like it.
Post # 7
I don’t care what other ‘people’ think but I would care if my Mother-In-Law didn’t like me. I think she gets upset with me every now and then because I try and help my husband eat healthier. She always says “Honey, eat whatever you want. You look fantastic” and she gives him all kinds of crap food. My husband asks for my help and then she gets frustrated with me when I try to help him. I don’t think she doesn’t like me because of it, she just wants to give her son whatever he wants.
Don’t worry about it, you are doing the right thing. Your husband is an adult and can do things for himself.
Post # 8
I don’t want this post to come off as my husband should be an adult. He was raised this way and all he knew. He watched his dad treat his mom like this. Crazy stuff. lol Totally about Mother-In-Law. I think she still wants to watch over all the boys. Grr. Time to get off the tittie!!
Post # 9
@Birdee106: She says stuff like that to me too! His mom makes appointments for his dad all the time. Like the other day his dad came in and said, “Did you make my doctors appointments yet for me?” and she said no with his response being, “Don’t you think you should?” My.jaw.hit.the.floor.
Post # 10
@orchidaloha: His younger siblings are still getting treated like this. I laugh everytime because if I told my mom to make me a sanwhich while I was on the couch, she would throw a butter knife, mayo, bread, and meat at me and say “Make it yourself lazy ass!” lol(:
Post # 11
My DH’s mom did everything for him too and he to some extent naturally expects me to do those things (I don’t think in a demeaning “because you’re my wife” way but more of in a he has no idea that the dishes don’t just clean themselves or his trash doesn’t just disappear magically into thin air). I definitely do a lot for him because I want to make his life easier, but I also expect him to do his fair share. His mother actually encourages it and we commiserate over the fact that both him and his father would rather starve to death than pick up the phone to order their own pizza. She makes sure to tell him to help me out!!
Honestly though, no I don’t generally care about what people think about me. Of course, I want his family and friends and people in general to like me, but if they don’t I certainly won’t lose sleep over it because I know I’m not doing something crazy and ridiculous for them to not like me! I strongly believe that it is just a fact of life that not everyone will like you. Maybe they have a reason for it, maybe they don’t. Sometimes, certain people just not mesh for whatever reason and that’s okay with me.
Post # 12
After a few years of living together, my fiance and I have found a happy medium. I do things differently than he does, and our way of living is different than our parents. And that’s ok. Because it’s what works for US. My mom is constantly horrified that I don’t get up to bring my fiance water, tea or whatever. I informed her that he’s got 2 arms and 2 legs and he knows how to use them.
I’d be more concerned that he’s crying to mommy still every time he’s not happy with something. If it were my fiance, I’d have sat down with him by now and had the discussion of “If you have something to say about how I do things, or what my expectations of you are, you’ll be coming to ME about it, not mommy”.
Post # 13
I married a dude like that. Mother-In-Law was on my case CONSTANTLY telling me what I should do or not to do and tried ever so nicely to tell me what to do with my children and her son. And he always backed his mom up on things.
Then we divorced.
But during that time I was a mess. It really comes down to your future husband. Does HE want to be babied? Does HE side with your mom a lot? It all comes down to how much he is willing to grow up and get away from being a mama’s boy than it is your Mother-In-Law to interrupt your life.
Post # 14
Hmm. Well, I would certainly care if my Mother-In-Law didn’t like me, but I think some honest adult discussion would help this situation. I agree that it’s not about bashing the way his nuclear family functioned, it’s really about how the two of you want *your* nuclear family to function. Mother-In-Law needs to understand that and respect it. You’re not her, she’s not you. You’re not criticizing the way she raised her children, but at the same time you deserve her not to criticize or butt in about how you and your husband interact.
I think the solution to this lies with discussing with your husband about keeping some issues “internal” to your family and not involving her in issues that don’t involve her. And….an honest discussion about whether or not he wants/wishes you to behave the way she did/does, and whether or not you’re willing to do that. My answer would be no. I’m a wife, a partner, not a maid or personal assistant.
Post # 15
@figgnewton: lol that’s what I would do too! My mom treats my sister and youngest brother like babies (both in their 20s), it drives me crazy! It does way more harm than good.
Post # 16
@MariContrary: No he didn’t call his mom. My boob dialed her on my phone and she over heard our convo. My boob always dials people. lol I hope we find a happy medium.
@MrsWBS: I just want to please his family. I want them to like me so much but we were raised so different.