Post # 1
Because I do.
I feel that I have to take the initiative to do everything. Even see each other on a daily basis (we don’t live together). I’m the one that calls or texts, I do all of the decision making regarding just about everything that involves both of us. I feel that I am being forced to make the decisions that affects the rest of our lives. I’ve talked to Fiance about this but he won’t even say anything of merit, he just nods his head. I have to tell him to say something to let me know if he’s on the same page. He’s not a shy person but he just never steps up and takes initiative to help the relationship. It’s like he’s not trying, he’s just complacent in whatever happens. I’m not a dominating, bossy person by nature and I constantly ask him for his opinion but I think I’m burning myself out.
Bees, do any of you feel like you have to carry your relationship? What did you do that helped?
Post # 3
Not even close. I truly feel as if our relationship is 50/50 if not in particular actions, but overall
IE. I might be the one who finds the restaurant all the time, but he is the one who suggests a weekend away somewhere.
Post # 4
How old are you and how long have you been together?
When we were about a year into our relationship, FH was in school (military college) and I felt like I had to do all the work. He’d get to come out and expect me to have plans made and ideas on things to do because he was “stuck” at school and couldn’t on his own, lame excuse. I was burnt out. I started getting these twinges that I was keeping our relationship going and not him/us. Soooo I TALKED TO HIM ABOUT IT! Directly. I laid it all on the table. I let him know that it wasn’t ok and that if thats the kind of relationship he wanted then I was not the girl for him. 8 years later we are going strong 🙂
Communication is always the best choice!
Post # 5
No. And when I was with men and felt like I was carrying that relationship, I knew they were just not that into me. It was over pretty fast for both of us. Them, because like I said, they weren’t into me enough to make any effort. For me, becuase their lack of effort proved their lack of interest. (This is my example, please don’t feel like I am saying your relationship is over after only reading a paragraph about it)
Post # 6
I do, but I’m okay with it. I’m definitely the more “dominant” personality. Fiance is really good about speaking up when he doesn’t agree with my choice though and that makes it work.
Post # 7
@JustLove: I’m 25, he’s 28 and have been together for 5 years. I’m just getting burned out by having to constantly make the decisions. Our relationship is strong in every other aspect, I just want him to be more forward and outright about things. If he doesn’t like something, tell me, if he doesn’t want to do something, tell me. It’s just frustrating.
I have come straight out and let him know how I feel but he just sits there. He keeps saying, “I’ll let you know if it’s a major deal”, well I’d like to know your feelings about the little things too.
Post # 8
I don’t feel like I “carry” my relationship, my Darling Husband and I both put about the same amount of effort when it comes to communicating, making plans, making big decisions, etc. My mom used to always say that she carried the relationship with my dad, though–they were married for 12 years, had 2 kids, and divorced when I was 8. She’s told me that she always felt like she had to step up and be the “bossy” one, which is not her nature, just to get him to do anything… and when they had kids, it got much worse. I don’t know your Fiance so I don’t want to say that it’s over and he’s a bad person or something, but you need to talk to him seriously and figure out if he can try to change, because once you’re married/have kids, if his attitude doesn’t change, it’ll probably drive you crazy. Good luck, and as PP’s have said, communication is key!
Post # 9
No, we are about as close to 50/50 as possible. If I feel like choosing one night, I do and vice versa. If you’re feeling burdened by it, you should talk to him.
Post # 10
I definitely think I carry the relationship. I am a control freak… I make all the day to day decisions. I make all the Dr’s appts, vet appts, grooming, etc. I stay on top of the bills, I run our “household”. I’ve planned our entire wedding with minimal input from him other than “sure, looks good.”
But even for a control freak like me, it’s easy to feel burned out. Sometimes I want to scream at him to man up and share some responsibilites/decision making. Instead, I just give him “the look” and he knows that’s his cue to stop being a baby and help out. But it took us 6 years of talking things out and me telling him how I feel to get to this point.
For us, a lot of it is that Fiance doesn’t know how to express his feelings or deal with stress in a productive way. He tends to shut down/shut people out. Fiance has been in law school for the past three years and it’s been very stressful for him. If he had a test or a paper, I knew he would be useless for a week or two. It’s something we have been working on together. Like PP have said, communication is key, but so is patience.
Post # 11
My Fiance and I had sort of a similar issue, mostly because I am someone who likes to have things planned far, far in advance and he is a complete procrastinator on stuff like that. I am not sure exactly what kind of decisions you are talking about, but this came up as a big issue with us for vacations, things that need to be planned in advance, etc. What has worked for us is me just giving up control of certain things. Like if we are planning a vacation, we will just agree that he is in charge of the accommodations, and I refuse to let myself stress about it even if they aren’t booked a week out, because that is his responsibility and I know he will do it somehow/eventually. I mean your Fiance survived before he met you and had to make decisions for himself. If you give him more space to make/participate in decisions, you may find him stepping up to the plate more.
Post # 12
I do a lot of the planning, because its in my nature. But I still don’t think that means I carry our relationship. hubs is definitely part of the decision making, just not always the research part of planning
Post # 13
@bijou214: Those first 2 paragraph’s – could have come straight out of my mouth! But I agree communication is key. Literally just this past week after 5 1/2 years I learned that if I ask for help – I also have to follow through and LET him help!!
Post # 14
This is a really important issue/dynamic to work out before marriage. If this isn’t the dynamic you want to carry you guys through your lives together, you need to discuss it with him and try to change it. If it doesn’t change, you need to find someone motivated enough to not let you do everything. It could be that he is just a crazy laid-back/borderline slacker about a lot of things, and this is one of the ways in which that behavior pattern shows itself. I am very Type A and a big planner/always on time and my husband is super laid back/usually late. That means that I usually end up planning things/pushing him to do stuff. He has made a visible effort to meet me halfway, though, and that works for us. He did call me all the time, and always picked me up/made plans with me as much as I made plans with him when we were dating, though (and still does).
Post # 15
I’m kind of the opposite: I think FH is a carrier. I’m spontaneous and scatter-brained a bit so it really works to have a guy calling ME and seeing what I’m doing. Left to myself, I’m not as thoughtful as FH.
That’s just our relationship though. I am there 100% of the time for him when he needs me. He is there the same amount for me.
I would be worried if I felt like he wasn’t doing so much now, before we even get married! I’ve always wanted a guy who wanted to take care of me and didn’t settle for being the relationship carrier in any relationship. If I married ever, I knew it would be for a guy who took initiative because that’s the type of person I need.
Maybe it’s different for type A people, maybe not. I’m not sure but I do know that your FH should know if he’s making you feel like you are carrying the burden of relationship on your own. Chances are, things aren’t as good as they could be. If you need him to be there more, there’s nothing wrong with voicing that now!
Post # 16
I’ll second or third or whatever number is next on what everyone else is saying. Communication. I know you said you talked to him about it but maybe you need to try again. Let him know that you need input on the little things too.
My relationship is really 50/50 which is great. We meet in the middle on most things. he pays the bills most of the time but I balance the checking account and get the groceries. I do most of the housework while he does most of the home repairs and yard work. It sounds really 1950s but it works for both of us. I’m a Type A planner, I like to plan way in advance. He like to plan but not like that. When I started wedding planning I was getting no input other than, “uh huh, ok” ect. so finally I told him that it was his wedding too and i wanted his input on a lot of it. If he truely cared less about the favors than tell me that instead of “ok”. He’s done really well since then. he’s actually stepped up with a lot of great ideas, or helped pull me back from some really crazy ones. There are still times when he says he doesn’t care, then a month later when I’ve bought said item, he wants to get his two cents in. I just remind myself I asked for him to be more active in this.
Hopefully you can work something out with your Fiance on where to meet in the middle.