Post # 1
So this touchy subject came up with some friends last week. We were all at dinner and somehow the group starting talking about our men. Complaints about them being scared of having new babies, not doing anything on Valentines Day, never wanting to be around them…this list could go on.
Anyways, they kinda had a bone to pick with me because they say I never “share” like the rest of them do. To be honest, I just do not want too! Of course I will complain about the toliet seat or cooking…trivial stuff. But never ever would I dicuss serious issues between Fiance and I. I think those issues are for his ears only. I’ve learned that the more private I keep my relationship, the happier I am. I tried to explain that it was more of a me thing…but they said its what friends do and I should feel like I can trust them with anything. In my opinion my relationship is not my friends business.
What about you bee’s?
Post # 2
I never “complain” about my SO to anyone but him. Any issue I have, we discuss. If we have a fight and I feel like I need to vent, I will to my best friend but in a reserved manner. Friends remember everything you say, and if you’re constantly harping on your man, they’ll come to see him in a negative light (and you might, too).
Post # 3
Absolutely not! granted I don’t really have anything to complain about but I think it’s entirely inappropriate and bad for your relationship. Darling Husband and I confront each other when we have issues and resolve them. I can’t think of a scenario where I would need advice from anyone else instead of going directly to him About it. If I absolutrly needed to discuss with an outsider I would find a therapist.
Post # 4
MrsBlueberryRose: Same as you. My friends and I complain about the stupid stuff, leaving socks everywhere, not hanging up towel, NEVER makes the bed. All of those things annoy me, but none of them are serious.
I would NEVER discuss anything that was serious or important with my friends, those issues are between my husband and I to sort out. My friends don’t share super personal things about their husbands either, and I would never expect them to out of respect for their marriage.
Post # 5
I’m the same. I share more with my best, best friend but nothing that if it got back to Darling Husband would upset or betray him. Mainly we agree that we work on our problems and issues together and avoid outside influences. However, for advice, I talk to my mum. She has been happily married for thirty years and she is wonderfully straight to the point and never takes sides. If I’m in the wrong she will tell me and that can be extremely helpful!
Post # 6
I am the same. I think the little annoyances are one thing. My rule of thumb is to keep quiet if there is any complaint that you wouldn’t say with him standing right there and being hurt by. Granted if my Fiance completely crossed the line of trust by cheating, lying etc… then bets are off. We need our girls when we are hurt too.
Post # 7
I agree! From the get-go Darling Husband and I have very much felt that we are part of a “team”. Sure it sounds lame, but I don’t think it’s healthy to share deeply personal anxieties or struggles with other people. Having your other half be your “confidant” should come with knowing that you can confide in them. I’m super close with my family, so I have a tendency to just tell them ALL THE THINGS, but over the past year I’ve learned that there are things that need to stay within our marriage.
Post # 8
MrsBlueberryRose: I started this thread a while ago: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/poll-just-curious-do-you-complain-about-sofidhdw/
I’m with you. I don’t complain about Fiance. Like at all. Honestly, I don’t have much to complain about. The only thing that bothers me is his work/school schedule and that’s totally out of our control for the time being.
I have a married friend who complains about her husband constantly. Every time I see him all I can think about are these unflattering things I know about him. I know he doesn’t help clean. I know he can’t handle stress well. I know he won’t do any housework. I know he won’t ever put her above his work life. I know he leaves towels on the bathroom floor. I know he has massive anxiety issues that take a ton of time and energy. I know he won’t compromise on life plans. The list goes on and on. He seems like a lovely guy in person but I just can’t get past all this stuff I know about him. I would hate for someone to look at my Fiance and feel that way.
I don’t say anything about my Fiance that I wouldn’t say directly to his face or publish in a newspaper.
I don’t even like listening to little complaints. I worked in an office that was all women and they would complain about their men not cleaning, not taking them out, not doing x with the kids, leaving x on the floor, wanting to hang out with friends, etc. I always wanted to shout, “WELL GO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT.”
I would not appreciate Fiance complaining, even in small ways, about my habits. To me part of being with someone is being their champion. Plus women so rarely brag about their significant others so often all you hear are a bunch of little complaints. I just think it’s absurd because you choose the person you’re with. So to then turn around and complain about natural imperfections just because they’re a person and you’re privy to them at their most relaxed/intimate…seems really not loving to me.
Post # 9
I have two very close friends that I talk to when things are rough. It’s not complaining because they wouldn’t ever let me get by saying it was all his fault. They love him likes he’s family. It’s mainly venting. I wouldn’t ever really bash him.
Post # 10
Not really and definitely not serious stuff. I have one close friend I’ve discussed some issues with, but not in a gossiping way, more of a “how would you address this with your SO?” way before I went to him about it. I think that’s ok- I think it’s when people start to complain as a way to kind of gossip or put down their SO, then it’s a problem. And I would never do that with a large group of people because I would feel awful if I knew he did that to me.
Post # 11
MrsBlueberryRose: personally, I do discuss things with my friends. I don’t make a habit of it, but if we’re having a major issue, yes, sometimes I like to get another perspective. However, my friends are not the type to just side with me: they will give an honest opinion and are not scared of saying if they think I’m wrong. I value their input. That and we have had a LOT of issues with Mother-In-Law, some of which also involve my OH (eg lack of support). For me, the support of my friends was vital in keeping me fairly sane and getting me through it. My OH was too close to it and too ‘enmeshed’, and I couldn’t sit there slagging off his mum 24/7.
Post # 12
MrsBlueberryRose: I don’t complain about Darling Husband to female friends. I wouldn’t want him focusing on my negative qualities either and we all have them.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
I never do. My complaints about Darling Husband I only discuss with Darling Husband.
Post # 14
swonderful: thanks for posting the link, sorry about that!
I also have a few married friends that complain all of the time about their husbands. They rarely say anything nice about them, I feel so awkward when I am around them. It just makes for a odd environment when personal stuff is being thrown around.
Jules725: See even if Fiance did something HUGE I would still keep it private. Cheating, lying….those most certainly just need to be between us. I hate having to explain my personal choices to people…I actually refuse to do it. If for some tragic, sad, un-fixable reason we ended…those details would stay private as well.
Post # 15
I’ll speak to my best friend for advice from time to time.
It’s never to specifically putdown or moan about my SO; it’s more of a ‘I’m having issues and I don’t know how best to approach this or bring this up’. Or perhaps asking her if I’m overreacting or being unreasonable with regards to a specific situation. She’ll happily call me out on any BS and tell me exactly what she thinks and isn’t scared of providing a bit of tough love.
It’s sometimes really helpful for me to logically think something through before going to my SO, so I can have a clear idea of what I am thinking about, why I am thinking this, how I feel and what changes might be needed, if any.