(Closed) Do you complain about DH/FI/SO to your friends?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
12219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

MrsBlueberryRose:  I’m with you and TBH I lose some respect for people who violate their spouse’s privacy that way. If they can do that, what they are saying about their friends behind their backs? 

Post # 17
Member
5954 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

MrsBlueberryRose:  Current husband? No, nothing to complain about, but if I did, it’d be to my bestie. Ex husband? Yes, all the time to my close inner circle. Some people are very, very private and that’s okay. I have a friend like that, she doesn’t tell anyone anything.

Post # 18
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m single so I can’t speak for myself but my friends rarely ever talk to me about their SOs, positive or negative. Sometimes they will tell me if they’re having a big issue (like one friend was having a lot of issues because her boyfriend is a different faith) but in those cases, it’s not like gossip, more like they’re confiding in me because they want advice or support. I never rag on the boyfriend though because I know friends never forget that and then it just negatively effects your relationship. It’s better to just try to be neutral and to focus on whether or not your friend is happy and what she can do to help change things for the better.

But most of my friends don’t say anything about their boyfriends at all though, not even good things. I used to think that was weird because on TV, women are always commiserating about their relationship struggles but now I guess it’s normal which is good to know because I used to worry they were just leaving me out of the loop because I’m perpetually single, lol. I do always ask though (like how’s the boyfriend?) because I want them to feel like they can confide in me, if need be and I want them to think I care about their relationship (which I kind of do because obviously, I want them to be happy).

Post # 19
Member
592 posts
Busy bee

Before we got engaged our main point of contention was that we weren’t engaged and I talked about that A LOT. I don’t need to talk about that any more. 

The one other thing is that my fiancé is a terrible gift giver so now it’s a running inside joke that everyone waits around to see what he gets me for holidays. 

Aside from that I don’t complain about him, mainly because there is not really anything to complain about bit also, it’s not anyone’s business. 

Post # 20
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think it falls into the same category as talking about (big) relationship problems with family- I’d always heard it’s a bad idea because then they hear the bad side of your relationship, but you don’t necessarily tell people when thinhs are going well, so they get a skewed picture. 

i personally dont  discuss big issues with anyone but my Fiance, though i’ll talk with friends about minor pet peeves if they come up. 

Post # 21
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

Not sure if the word ‘complain’ is the right word. But ‘talk to’ yeah. Last month when my then boyfriend, now husband. His childhood friends got arrested because they were transporting/posession hardcore drugs. We got into an argument, I constantly remind him to keep himself out of trouble, and that I’m woried to death about his safety when he hang out with friends that are gangster/drugs-user…. I know his friends is his friends, and him is him, And he should not be held reliable for something his friends to, but still…. it worrisome!

I did talk to my best friend about this. She was like you need to tell your boyfriend that once he is a husband, he needs to STOP hanging around with those type of ‘street’ friends of his…. Freaking, did I listen to her advice? Nope, I’m so madly in love to the point that I still let him maintain his ‘street’ lifestyle, and we got married…. I basically put my life in his hand. So he better keep his head clear and stay out of trouble, or else he be dragging his Chinese wife’s life down with him.

He is an awesome husband. He working 12-14 hours shift everyday, so he sure doesn’t have time to hang around with his ‘street’ friends. But am I still worried? Heck yeah! I hope I don’t have to find my best friend to talk to her again, because whenever I find her to talk that means my relationship is in trouble, lol

Post # 22
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I don’t complain about my Fiance, but we usually resolve our difficulties pretty quickly. Sometimes I will mention having gotten in a argument with him to a close friend, but I don’t share the specifics.

I don’t think it’s cool to share all of your husband’s/relationship’s dirty laundry with friends, but I don’t think you should be a vault either. I know no one in this thread is talking about abuse, but often people are mistreated by their SO and it takes some input from a friend to help them see that. 

Post # 23
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I read somewhere once that the only person you should complain about your SO to is his/her mother, because she will always love him/her unconditionally. Your friends might have their opinions of your SO change or be coloured by a negative story. I modified this slightly to talking to his sister. I figure for more serious things, she’s known him 20 years longer than me so she might have some insights. 

I have been on the other end, and had a friend complain about her FI’s drinking and general moronic, immature behavior and I disliked him to the point of almost not attending their wedding. And I was MoH! At the wedding I got to talk with him a bit and realized that while he is immature and moronic, he genuinely loves her and never does anything to intentionally upset her, but all I ever heard from her was incredibly negative stories. She would call me crying if he stayed out drinking all night with his friends. She never called when she was excited cause he brought home something fun for dinner or cute little gifts. 

 

Post # 24
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

 

MrsBlueberryRose:  I complain about my FH to my best friend. She is pretty much like my sister and we have been close for a while. I vent because it is how I process my feelings, however certain things I choose to keep to myself.

Plus my friend and I worked in social work and she always have good ways of helping me analyze how I feel and why and how to approach the topic and whatnot. I trust her to give me true and nonjudgemental advice, and I do the same for her. Im a extrovert, I talk, I need to think outloud, and be mad outloud, but it is more just to be able to process everything.

Post # 25
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Not big problems — those I talk to Fiance about, since that’s the only way to resolve any issues.

I used to complain about minor things to my close girlfriends, but I’ve stopped because they seem to misunderstand my complaints. We used to talk about guys we were dating when we were single gals on the town, but now it’s different. Neither of them have been in a serious relationship or lived with their SO, so they end up thinking a minor issue is a major issue. Like I’ll complain that I find socks everywhere becuase I think it’s funny, but they’ll say something like “gross I could NEVER live like that, how do you do that” and then I get really defensive.  Um, I “do that” because living with him is actually really awesome, and a relationship means you have to learn how to navigate living together? I’ll take picking up socks on the floor, since it means Fiance takes out the heavy garbage and basically installs all the furtniture.

Anyway. I think you have to know your audience. My friends who are in serious relationships or have been living with an SO in the past will get it. My single gfs seem to have unrealistic expectations of living with an SO (kind of a “my way or the highway” type of thinking) so they’re not really sympathetic to me just venting about typical domestic stuff. I have to admit though, it was the type of stuff I thought when I was single, so I guess that makes sense. I do limit what I say to them now.

For the record, Fiance actually does his fair share of cleaning, but the socks thing is still a mystery to me. I found them in the kitchen once!

Post # 26
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I won’t complain about him. But if we’ve had a big argument and he needed to cool down I’d also cool down by venting to my best friend. She always helps give me perspective and tells me if I’m be an idiot. But she hears far more good things about him than bad and I know she thinks we are perfect together.

Post # 27
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee

I complain about silly stuff- him forgetting things sometimes for instance, or being late, but nothing serious. I would never insult him to anyone..when I’ve heard other couples do that, it makes me sad for them. 

Post # 28
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Definitely not. But I don’t have anything against those who do. I just don’t really think it’s anyones business but ours. I also would be pretty upset if I found out my Fiance was complaining to his friends about me. If he has a problem with me, he should discuss it with me, and only me. The fact that your friends are being so pushy about it makes it seem like they just want the gossip, and I wouldnt “confide” in friends like that. 

Post # 29
Member
10857 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

No.  There isn’t that much to complain about & I wouldn’t disrespect Dh that way.

Post # 30
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I am going to go against the grain and say YES I DO share (mostly) everything with one really good friend. As someone previously stated, this is how I process being angry with him. I vent to this friend and she helps me sort through my feelings. We talk about whether I have a valid reason to be angry or if I’m simply overreacting. This actually HELPS my relationship with my Fiance. I am a very short tempered person and if I went off about everything I was mad about, we’d fight once a week. Instead I complain, get it out of my system, am no longer annoyed, and then if necessary, talk it over with Fiance.

 

Now I would NEVER share issues that I know would really hurt him. There are some things I would never tell her.

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