(Closed) Do you complain about DH/FI/SO to your friends?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yes. ALL the time! My Fiance is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE man!!!! How else would I stick it out?! KIDDING!

No, I have one friend and we got engaged around the same time, so we’ll complain about little itty bitty things like laundry and dishes (I mean, SERIOUSLY, how hard is it to grab my laundry AND his laundry…or to put the dishes 5″ to the left into the dishwasher). At the end of the day, it’s stuff we laugh about. I don’t sit and outright bash him or talk about major issues with anyone other than him. 

Post # 47
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

NEVER! I mean occasionally I’ll tell my mom about something silly we disagreed on but if we fight or there are things to complain about I NEVER tell anyone because of this reason….

A long time ago someone once told me “The only opinion someone might get of your spouse (or in this case FI/SO too) is from what you say about them.”

This really struck me and it has stayed with me ever since. My friends will really only get their opinion of my Fiance from the things I say about him. They don’t spend a lot of time with him and they don’t get to know him the way I do. So what they do know of him really is just from what I say about him. Now I don’t want the only opinion my friends have of my Fiance to be bad. I would want them to know all the wonderful things about him.

If it were flipped I wouldn’t want FI’s friends opinions of me to be bad ones just based on complaints he tells them, I would want them to have a good opinion of me and the only way they’d get that is if Fiance isn’t trash talking me all the time (which I know he would never do).

So anyway, I try to never say anything bad about my Fiance to friends. I want them to think highly of him and if I’m constantly complaining, they will have a negative opinion of him.

Post # 48
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

I like to talk to my friends about certain things I’m struggling with in my relationship. Sometimes to gauge whether I’m being too emotional or see if I’ve overlooked something. Most of the time, those conversations make me feel loved and supported. It is so important to me to keep my connections with people who will be there even if my SO and I don’t end up making it. Plus, I also want to be there for them if they want my support. My friends are such a huge reason why I’m so happy right now.

It also never feels like complaining. I’m very sincere with my friends…and especially with my SO.

I do, however, avoid talking to my family about almost anything related to my relationship. Nothing good can come of that. Too much judgment.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  07pswilliams.
Post # 49
Member
2837 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

MrsBlueberryRose:  I honestly have no issue big enough with my husband that’s worth complaining about.  He annoyed me this morning because he put the babies clothes in the dryer- trying to helpful- when there were air-dry items in that load.  

He knows that me + both the kids have a few items that I prefer to air-dry, and he’s normally so thoughtful about it and either asks, or knows what items to pull and hang.  He just assumed there was nothing in the babies load and put it all the dryer.  And yes, I was slightly annoyed.

But you see how dumb that looks when I explain that LOL??  I honestly don’t think I have complained about him to another person.  At least not that I can remember- because he’s an all around great guy.  If anything, he’d have a lot more to complain about me!! 🙂

Post # 50
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

NOPE. Learned my lesson on that one! Don’t do it!

Post # 51
Member
7 posts
Newbee

I have a group of very close friends who are special to me in that we are friends because we share the same passion for reasoning and objectivity. We’re all in the profession of analyzing data, providing rational solutions to complex problems. So sometimes it is fun to discuss personal problems and try to compare analytical methods because each of us have different approaches (and work in different industries). I enjoy their objective, non-judgemental discussions, and the fact that we have known each other for quite some time.. I think they know me very well, perhaps even more so than my own SO of 2 years. 

In a way, I’m not complaining, but I do bring up certain issues if I want their opinion. And of course, I don’t discuss every problem, or discuss with any friend. I try to avoid discussing relationship issues with my family because they are a little bit biased and protective of me, so they will tend to take my side even if I’m wrong. I don’t them to be biased against SO.

So it depends on the issue, and depends on the friend.

friendships[1]

Post # 52
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

MrsBlueberryRose:  Nope, nope, nope.. never discuss your relationship and what goes on behind closed doors. I’m sure there’s a super snappy southern saying to go along with this but unfortunately I’m no georgia peach.

Post # 53
Member
8482 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

There’s only one friend that I really complain to. And its mostly trivial stuff, and usually when I’m on my period and being a brat. lol

Post # 54
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

I don’t have a lot of issues with Darling Husband that are serious, but yeah, I will complain about things like him buying me some mysterious piece of electronic equipment for Christmas, or forgetting to pick up the drycleaning. 

Honestly, if I did have serious issues, if I needed advice, I might complain about it and seek a second opinion. I have friends who do just that, and I just hope to provide some food for thought without being judgmental. I really think that’s what friends are for. For instance, what if you have a friend who’s being verbally or physically abused by her SO – wouldn’t you want her to reach out to you? In my past relationship, my then-FI forbade me to talk to my friends about our problems. He said that it was between us and I shouldn’t be airing out the dirty laundry. Well, by doing that, I ended up becoming very isolated socially and unable to share my unhappiness, until Fiance was really all I had, and then I couldn’t leave because I was so ashamed of having to admit that things weren’t right between us. In retrospect, I realize that that’s just how he wanted it. So yeah, I think it’s totally fine to complain to friends, keep those channels open. 

Post # 55
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think it really does depend on the content. There’s a difference between the trivial things that happen to the best of us (and we all know it) and the gnitty gritty personal things that happen in our relationships.

Things like the socks on the floor (or anywhere you can possibly put socks haha) and drying cardigans and what not, sure they come up in casual conversation sometimes but it’s not really a complain fest. Sometimes you gotta let off steam about the small stuff so you can laugh about it faster. They’re whatever things. I do them, he does them, we all laugh about it and it’s no biggy. 

There are some things that are personal and stay in the bedroom. When it comes to the things that are personal and private, we like to keep it at home. We both very much feel this way so it works. We both have a couple close people who we will confide in to get advice sometimes but it’s never more than that. It’s not about complaining or talking down, it’s more about getting insight that comes from a different and generally wiser perspective. We’re young and in it for the long haul so sometimes we need some advice. It’s bound to happen because we’re human. I would be lying to all of us if I said I never talked about it To anyone. But I feel like we’re still keeping it private. Sometimes you have to talk about the facts of it but you dont have to bring up all the emotional stuff. I feel like it’s nobodies business how we react sometimes in the privacy and safety of our home. We take our stuff home and deal with it for a reason. So it’s not in front of everybody. If I ran around and talked about it, I might as well just do it out there. I don’t feel that that is right so I don’t partake. 

Not everyone is the same and we don’t all handle our conflict the same and that’s okay. When my good friends need a vent session, I try to stay neutral and not look at either of them any differently. Sometimes you gotta get it out and a good friend can be a good place for it. We just prefer to keep it at home. It seems to make things at home more peaceful in a way. 

Post # 56
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Nope. I’ll complain about little stuff sometimes, but I want my friends and family to like him. Women who constantly complain about their SOs are just asking for trouble. It isn’t fair to him and no one is perfect. If you feel the need to constantly complain or bring up the big stuff, then be prepared for others to say he isn’t worth it and not like him as much. I live by the rule that if what I’m going to say isn’t helpful, kind, or uplifting, then don’t say it. Disclaimer: Situations with abuse are totally different and that needs to be talked about.

Post # 57
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Fiance and I were just discussing this the other day! I have a family member who is constantly complaining about her husband…to her mom, my mom, me, my sister, ON SOCIAL MEDIA! I just think it is so unfair to do that to him…it makes family gatherings uncomfortable for everyone and makes us all not like him as much. 

if I have a big issue with Fiance, I talk to him about it. Sometimes I complain to my girls over dinner and wine about how he’s a slob but never do I go on and on about any big issues we might be having. In my book the only exception to this rule is if he’s abusing you, in that instance you need to talk to someone and get out. 

Plus if you really have THAT much to complain about then maybe you shouldn’t be together in the first place. That’s just my two cents anyways. 

Post # 58
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

No way. If I have an issue, it’s between my SO and myself, not our friends. I can’t speak for him, but I don’t complain about him to my friends. I will maybe seek their advice if I am over-analyzing or stuck on an issue, but it is never complaining. But I agree if it is some kind of abusive situation, it has to be brought up externally.

Post # 59
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

MrsBlueberryRose:  I’m with you. I will lovingly complain to my mom or best friend about Fiance, but only silly things and in a “oh men!” kind of way. Stuff like not throwing out his halls wrappers or emptying his pockets and leaving it all on the table. 

In terms of serious things, I agree with a previous poster who mentioned that it can change the way your friends (or mom, whom I usually confide in) look at your SO. I decided early on that I would never do that, and frankly Fiance and I always sort things out between us, so I can’t even think of anything really serious that I would complain about 🙂

Post # 60
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

Its my business, not theirs. what will i achieve by telling them?

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