Post # 1
I’m struggling at finding a way to handle this. I don’t even know if I should bother. I hate being a nag and I do not want to hurt Fiance. This isn’t about aesthetics, its about health and lifestyle.
So I grew up dancing (ballet) and he grew up wrestling and playing football. Both of these professionally, he was an extremely high level athlete. We’re both very active people but in a different way – I prefer yoga/pilates/dance classes and he goes to the gym and is on a few once-a-week teams. The only thing we share is running and its really cold right now here so we’re rarely active together.
When I met him he weighed 230 lbs (he’s 6′-3″). He’s now around 270. I’ve maintained the same weight and level of activity but I’m also younger. He’s started working alot more and comes home really tired. His job is extremely stressful. He doesn’t want to work out much and I think he’s a bit depressed, he just kind of sits on the couch and eats alot of cheese. I love him, I do! But I worry – I need him to be healthy – he’s 11 years older than me and I need to keep him around. When I gently say we should go for a walk or go do something he’s too tired or he tells me I don’t like doing what he likes. I’m tired of catching him snacking after I’ve made a good healthy dinner. I HATE nagging. He’s a grown man. He says he’s self conscious around friends and it stops him from going out. That one I don’t get because he used to be even more giant, like 300 lbs when he was playing. But he says he’s always been big so its not easy for him to not eat a ton. I’m really afraid he’s going to have a heart attack at some point (runs in the family) and I will have a hard time taking care of him or be left alone with a young family.
Bees, I just don’t know where to go with this. We’ve had lots of talks about how he wants to work on it and he’s just…not. I feel like I do my part, trying to cook good meals and ask him to be active with me. Would you do anything or just let him be? How do I approach this/should I do anything? Have you dealt with a similar situation?
Post # 3
How easy would it be to not have junk food in the house? I know it may be hard, but do you do most of the shopping?
I would just lay it out there for him again that you aren’t trying to nag, but you are really concerned about his health and want him to be with you forever. This one is kind of difficult since he has a stressful job and doesn’t want to work out and because like you said he is a grown man who makes his own decisions. The only advice I have is not buying the junky food for home, but if he is serious about eating cheese and other stuf he will find a way to get it it.
Post # 4
@bella128: 270 is really high for a guy that’s 6’3. My husband is 6’2 and weighs 180, and is muscular. Not totally ripped, but muscular arms and pecs.
But more importantly that his working out/eating/current weight are his blood pressure and cholesterol right now. What are those numbers? Because my husband is much more fit than me (he lifts weights and works out more often than I do, esp. since I’ve gotten pregnant). And he’s right at average weight or even slightly better than average for his height, whereas I’m usually at the top of the “average” weight for my height, (withing 5 lbs of being overweight). SO you’d think he’d be “more healthy”.
Except he has slightly high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I have never had problems with either. So, I care a LOT MORE about what he eats and really encourage him to cut down on trans fats, meat, etc. I rarely cook meat at home, because of his cholesterol. I always look for lower-sodium options to cook with at the grocery store.
So, have him make an appointment to get his cholesterol/blood pressure checked. THEN you have a reason for him to make a radical change.
Post # 5
I do all the grocery shopping in the house and make most of the dinners. I also make DH’s lunches about 80% of the time. No, I’m not his mother, but I do like making things that I know are healthy for both of us. If Darling Husband goes to the grocery store, he’s picks out the worst things for you, b/c he really doesn’t know much about nutrition (“Um, frozen chicken patties ARE good for you….they’re chicken and chicken is protein that’s good for you.” LOL). Is is possible your Fiance doesn’t know how some things (such as cheese) should be eaten in moderation or what is healthy? If you’re able to do the majority of the shopping, then you can determine what’s in the house and what’s available for snacking.
Also, I would call him out when/if he complains. I’m very open and honest, so when Darling Husband is like “uh, I wish I could work out so I felt better” or “I’m getting so fat” (which he’s not), I say, “Well, then get your butt up and go for a run!” or “Don’t complain if you’re not going to do anything to change it.” Sometimes I think tough love is best in these situations where excuses are just being made.
And, I’d continue to have the talks that you’re really concerned about his health. Bring up the medical past, acknowledge to him the age difference and that you’re worried, ….just keep talking. Hopefully one of these times something will sink in and a real change will occur. Especially as Spring comes and you feel a little better about life as a whole.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I can understand – it’s a hard position to be in and you can’t make someone care about it if they don’t already. My Fiance goes through periods of stress eating / not exercising and is about 30 lbs over where he should be…
Like other posters have said, one of the main ways to have any control is to make sure you don’t buy crappy food for the house, that you’re eating a lot of veggies / whole grains / lean protein at home, and try to split meals when you go out. I make a lot of big salads or lettuce wraps with grilled chicken or steak in them – super yummy and satisfying.
Can you make gym dates even if you do different things once you get there? If I go a whole bunch and ask my Fiance to come with me, he’ll eventually start coming because he starts to feel lazy saying no over and over.
This sounds pretty weird, but at one point when my guy was pretty depressed and overweight, I literally bribed him with BJs following 30 minutes of vigorous exercise. It was in a fun and playful way so it seemed like a game or something. Anyway, it did some good…
Last, does he know how much of concern this is for you? Part of committing to spending your life with someone is committing to be there for them – and he can’t really do that if he’s not taking care of himself. Make sure he knows that you really worry…
I guess these are all pretty basic, but I hope it helps. Good luck xox
Post # 7
Nope. My Fiance is a big guy and I love him that way, I actually can’t imagine him any other way. He plays semi-pro football and is a baseball coach, so he is very active and has no health problems, save for some kidney stones a few years ago.
I am also plus-sized, and I appreciate the fact that he and I are comfortable with each others’ bodies the way that they are.
Post # 8
There’s a fine line between caring, and cuckolding….and I get that being healthy and athletic together is a good thing, but sometimes life sucks….we get tired, we get injured, our jobs suck our souls and after all of that, going to the gym and busting our ass feels like a punishment topping to our shit sandwich life.
So sometimes, you just wanna get it over with, and get really fat together….because chunking out alone, blows, especially if you have someone pointing it out to you all of the time…
For every piece of junk food your fella’s eating, some other issue is eating him…stop looking at the side effect and find the cause, your husband’s unhappy, and needs some help, not a dietician.
Post # 9
I let him do whatever he wants. I want the same from him! I am however, happy that he takes the dog out now so that he gets some exercise, and working at an organic store he eats tons of veggies and fruits and healthy things- he is so much healthier now!
Post # 10
I don’t think it’ll make him feel any better if you tell him to lose weight or tell him all the time that he’s getting fat, but I think you can try to steer the two of you toward healthy choices by keeping junk food out of the house, keeping healthy snacks around (since it sounds like he’s a snacker), and trying to plan active things for the two of you to do together. Can you two join a gym together and encourage eachother to go? Join a recreational co-ed sports league? Tell him you’re trying to improve your cooking skills and make a real effort to make new healthy foods all the time, so he can discover that he enjoys some healthier options?
I really try not to tell Darling Husband what to do, or that I’m worried about him gaining weight, but he does have a family history of type 2 diabetes so if he’s getting really obsessed with candy and ice cream, sometimes I’ll remind him that sugar cravings are addictive (it’s true!) and I worry about him, just as I worry about my own health and weight with my family history of heart problems.
Post # 11
When Fiance and I are together, I push for us to eat healthy food and avoid liquid calories. I also make him come to spin classes once a week with me – he enjoys them when he gets there, he just can’t motivate to do it on his own and especially not right after work or school.
I’m struggling with this issue, too. I hate nagging, but his health is important to me. I guess my approach is that I’m trying to stay healthy – right now I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in – and part of that is for me, but part of that is also for him. I think it’s important for people to make an effort for their significant others, and that’s pretty much what I’ve told him.
If I were you, I would definitely try to address the cheese issue. He may also be more responsive to exercise after he’s had a chance to relax and eat post-work. I can’t make myself do anything but cook (and just barely) at 5:30pm, but I can motivate to workout at 7:30.
The other thing is that maybe he needs to be in something organized. A lot of people can’t do it on their own and need to be in a group. I’d see if he would want to get involved in some sport club or whatnot.
Post # 12
My Darling Husband is 5’7 and 265, which sounds like he should be huge, but he’s not. He just has a heck of a lot of muscle, with a little bit of a belly. I actually told him before we got married that if he lost weight, I would forcefeed him cake, lol! Just kidding…
But OP, if you are really bothered by this, why not have your Darling Husband go to the doctor, and get his blood sugar/blood pressure etc checked out? If something is wrong, let your doctor be the bad guy. Good luck!
Post # 13
Absolutely. We expect each other to keep up their fitness and appearance and maintain attractiveness to the other. When we’ve been eating unhealthy for a while, we will start cooking lower calorie, more nutrient dense meals. I also make sure Darling Husband has time to exercise by giving him time exercise when he needs, even if I want that time to spend with him.
Post # 14
@bella128: Are there any kind of activities you could do together? I know you said that in general you do like different things, but there must be SOMETHING you both like to do.
Does he eat out for lunch? If he does, that’s a huge a) waste of money and b) unnecessary calories. Could you make lunches for him? That could go a long way towards him eating better.
Have you explained to him why you want him to get out more/eat better? He has to want to change obviously, but if he doesn’t realize how much this is worrying you, then he might need a wakeup call!
I definitely concern myself with my SO’s weight/health. We could both stand to lose a few pounds but we go to the gym together and plan meals together etc. so it is definitely easier since I don’t have to convince him of anything. It’s just sticking to it that’s the hard part!
Post # 15
Yes, I do concern myself with his diet/fitness. We try to motivate each other to eat healthier and work out more. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I try not to nag when it doesn’t
Post # 16
I do concern myself with his diet/fitness. I try to make good food for us so we both can eat haelthy. He doesn’t like the cold in the winter so I try to encourage him to exercise more during these times. He likes doing it when it’s warm and even suggests we go biking then…not so much when it’s cold out. I just try to encourage him, but I don’t really nag him about it. He knows he needs to exercise more, and he wants to.
I just want him to be healthy. He has a bottomless pit of a stomach and still a pretty amazing metabolism (for almost 30, it’s genetic for him) so he really doesn’t have much fat on him really. So it’s not really about looks or anything, I just want him to be healthy inside and I know people also feel better mentally when they regularly exercise (I know I do).
I do most of the cooking so I know when I make meals he is getting healthy food. He pretty much eats whatever I make. That’s one way to take care of one aspect!