Post # 1
I met up with a friend at a restaurant/bar last night. We got a couple drinks and dinner. When we were wrapping up, two guys sat next to us and she started chatting them up. We talked about her Boyfriend or Best Friend and my husband and one of them insisted on buying us a round of drinks, even though I insisted they don’t.
We talked with them and were having a lot of fun and as the restaurant was closing down, the bartenter and some other waitstaff were all headed to another spot for more revelry.
My friend needed to get home and I made a conscious decision to not go with them – even though, in my pre-married days, I would have done so in a heart beat!
While I don’t think I did anything wrong, I felt a little guilty afterward for liking the attention so much… I’m sitting here wondering about it today – mostly because I think I have the propensity to do something stupid… and one of the guys was SO much ‘my type’ (in ways Darling Husband isn’t)…. there was part of me that really wanted to join them, but the other part that remembered Darling Husband (who was sleeping at home) and I realized how hurt I’d feel if the tables were turned.
That’s a very long story to ask: how do you deal with situations like this – when you aren’t with DH/DW and you get approached by someone you would have found attractive, had you been single. I think attractions are normal, but it’s acting on those attractions that are wrong. Where is the line drawn? Meaning, would having a conversation at a bar be wrong for you?
Post # 3
As far as I’m concerned the line is drawn where your partner would draw it. I know that my fiance is comfortable with me flirting as long as I’m totally honest about my relationship status with people. He’s very laid back. I’m sure there are other men who wouldn’t be.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t chat up two men at the bar because I wouldn’t want my Darling Husband to do that to me.
Post # 5
I don’t think chatting with a guy or letting him buy you a drink is wrong. I still go out with my single friends and run into situations like these. I am always open about the fact that I am married and not remotely interested in hooking up/whatever. I’d also never hide it from Darling Husband. Wouldn’t work for some other people but its within our comfort level.
Post # 6
Agree with SS.
I think that going out with them would’ve been crossing the line, but enjoying the company and attention? No problem. It’s completely natural.
Now if you were to lie about being married, that’s another thing – but you didn’t do that! Don’t worry about this.
Post # 7
If you didn’t do anything that your Darling Husband would be mad about, then you’re fine.
You talked to them, you told them you were married, you didn’t do anthing shady like go out with them or dance with them… I think you’re probably fine. Personally, I don’t think you did anything wrong.
Post # 8
@MrsTVLover: this is my stance as well.
Most of the time if I end up in any kind of convo with someone of the opposite sex I keep it very light and very short. I have always thought that flirting was a no no and I know that if Darling Husband came to me with this as his story.. even just chatting it up for awhile I would possible get a bit insecure, for a least a minute. Wonder if she was pretty, if she was intriguing, if he “liked” her… and all those things.
I know Darling Husband is incredibly loyal to me and would never cheat (he’d totally bust himself long before going through with it) but I think I’d still be a bit hurt and have my trust put to the test in a situation like this.
Post # 9
@SpecialSundae: I agree. Great way of putting it.
Post # 10
I don’t see anything wrong with having a conversation with the opposite sex. If it starts to get close to the line where you’re wondering whether you’re flirting with each other, thats where I would stop it, “Thanks for the chat, but I must go! Nice to meet you!”.
Post # 11
For my husband and me, flirting at a bar (different than just a “conversation”) and/or letting someone of the opposite sex buy us a drink would be wrong. Even if it’s made clear that the person is married, there are still intentions behind that drink or that flirting.
For each couple, I think you can gauge “wrongness” based on how you’d feel if your spouse did the same — and you even mentioned that.
Personally, if my husband were out without me and his idea of having fun was flirting with women at a bar and/or letting them buy him drinks, I’d be deeply hurt. Because those things implicitly have an undertone of more than just “fun.”
Now, I promise I’m not judging at all. I’m just answering your question from the perspective of my own marriage. Have you and your Darling Husband ever talked about these kinds of situations?
Post # 12
I think it’s ok to “window shop” and admire from afar – but no, never take the goods home with you!
Post # 13
@runsyellowlites: I can appreciate where you’re coming from, but girlfriend get some confidence! Wondering if the other woman was pretty? LOTS of women are pretty, including you! Intriguing? “Liking” her? Be more confident and self-assured. This is your husband, give him a little more credit 😉
Post # 14
That’s a good way to gauge it (what Darling Husband would be ok with) – and also answers the question about why I’m feeling bad about it.
I’m pretty outgoing/gregarious by nature. DH has told me that he gets upset because I flirt with people ALL the time. When I ask him for examples – he tells me and it’s honest to goodness NOT flirting (like interacting with a waiter and smiling or creating small talk).
We were recently at a fundraiser banquet and he observed a married man interacting with a single woman on his right side, while his wife was on his left. The two of them were laughing and talking all night. I knew all of the parties involved and I knew they were friends (DH had met them for the first time that night) – but the married guy at one point, had his arm around the single girl. DH commented how wrong it was that the married guy was talking to the single girl so much. I did think it was a little over the top (especially the physical contact), but at the same time, I knew it was harmless.
All that to say – I do think Darling Husband would be upset if he knew if someone was chatting me up and further upset if he knew I was invited elsewhere (even if I decided not to go).
This sounds silly to say – but the alternative is to not talk to anyone – as any sort of conversation is deemed flirtatious in his mind. (DH has only recently gotten over my friendships with gay men… that was almost a deal breaker, when we first started dating because he was intimated by the well-coifed/good-looking gay men I hung out with and he thought they’d ‘turn’.) sigh.
Post # 15
@KristenGotMarried: lol.. I wasn’t meaning quite like that. But if Darling Husband considered leaving with her and her friends I would still get a bit insecure as to the “why” he was pulled to that.
Post # 16
I think you’re okay because you talked about the BF/husband. It’s shadier if you try to keep a secret. I think it’s also okay because it doesn’t happen a lot, it would be one thing if you went out frequently looking for that, but it came to you, you had a neic time, made it clear you weren’t single, and that was it.
Of course, if it would upset your husband then that’s a different story. Or, like other posters have said, if it would bother you if the tables were turned then it’s different.
I do think if you had left with them that would have been wrong. But you didn’t!