(Closed) Do you consider flirting (with someone other than your spouse) wrong?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
4886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@runsyellowlites:  Ah, yeah, well I can agree with that.  I think its fair that once the decision has been made to go out of your way to hang out with a stranger (ie leaving to go somewhere else with them), that’s when the line is DEFINITELY crossed.

Post # 18
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

I guess I look at two things – would I be ok with Darling Husband doing the same thing to me? And would I feel comfortable acting the same way if Darling Husband were sitting right next to me while I talked with other guys.

Post # 19
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

For me there would be a difference between chatting with random guys for 2-3 minutes at the bar, vs. accepting drinks and talking for much longer than that. I’m fine with the first, not the second scenario. I wouldn’t want my husband chatting/flirting with women at a bar, either.

Post # 20
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t think that specifically was out of line. If you made your status known, there was no touching, I personally don’t find that bad.

However if my man DID the approaching, I wouldn’t be happy. However if he were approaced I still wouldn’t love it, but that doesn’t mean I think he crossed the invisible line.

Post # 21
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

SpecialSundae put it PERFECTLY.  If he’s cool with it, you’re cool with it- and vis versa.

My Mr and I both flirt – and it actually helps us trust each other so completly because we’re open about it.  Getting engaged or married doesn’t mean you can never enjoy the opposite sex again, it just means you have to have boundaries established as a couple. 

Post # 22
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I know my stand on this topic is definitely not the popular one but here goes. Back story: I am that girl that has very few girl friends and many guy friends. In my main “group” there are 5 guys and 2 girls including me. My relationship with these guys may seem like a lot of flirting, some of it “going too far” but we have all been friends for years so it’s all normal to us. And I would never, ever do anything with these guys. They are all purely friends.

I think because of that my boyfriend is comfortable with me being that way with people in general. He has told me in the past that he knows I am a friendly/flirty person and he is fine with it, he is still comfortable with me going out drinking without him. Also I don’t get upset if he is flirting with a girl…if I can, he can. He is not much of a flirt though.

Post # 23
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I don’t see an issue with it. I have worked in customer service for a long time, and I don’t mind talking to people. I have had this happen a few times, and once I wasn’t wearing my ring (I was getting ready really fast, and forgot to put it on before I walked out of the house!). The guy thought I was just blowing him off, but it ended up that he actually knew my husband! So we chatted for a bit, and he did buy me a drink. I told him I was going to “tell on him” to hubs, and I did, and hubs thought it was funny. Except the part about the wedding ring, but he never wears his so he can’t say anything if I forget mine a time or two

Post # 24
13563 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@oracle: The fact that your Darling Husband sees every conversation as flirtatious does make the situation more difficult. So maybe, while he works on trusting your outgoing nature, you can work on making sure you’re not acting in a way that might hurt him (e.g. you mentioned a propensity to do something stupid.

Sorry — I couldn’t think of a better phrase than “work on.” I’m not at all saying you guys have issues; it just seems like these could be addressed concurrently.

I think it’s great that you’re trying so hard to be considerate of your husband’s feelings and what is “right” in your marriage. That, in and of itself, is a good sign. 🙂

Post # 25
7288 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Keeping male interest at a minimum is best. I would graciously refuse offers for a drink or further advances.

Like some PP’s said, I would be hurt if the situation was reversed. 

Post # 26
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i think it depends on your relationship and your personalities. for us it would feel wrong because both hubs and i are generally quiet around people we don’t know–i think i actually project a “don’t talk to me” kind of aura to random people at a bar or whatnot. unless it was a friend of a friend, or related to a specific topic (like, hubs does often talk to strangers–ususally guys– about sports, so if he was watching a game at a bar and started talking to a girl sitting next to him about it–that wouldn’t feel weird). or i guess if one of us was being a wingman/wingwoman for one of our single friends. i guess that’s a lot of exceptions, lol. but in general, neither of us talks up strangers so it would be weird if we did.

Post # 27
1610 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I guess it really depends on the couple.  I would have never considered this crossing the line, and would have done the samething in a heartbeat if I was was out with my single friends, and then I would have told my fiance all about it when I got home.  If the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t be upset.  I think going somewhere private (like their home, even if you weren’t alone), exchanging numbers, and so on would be crossing the line for me.

Post # 28
11377 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I find flirting & a conversation to be two very different things. If you feel so guilty about it, just tell your husband! You told the men you was married, they offered drinks you said no & they bought them anyways. You didn’t leave with them because all you could think about was your HUSBAND! 🙂 

Post # 29
13563 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Again, I think it’s important to remember that all relationships/marriages are different. To my husband and me, being married means that when we “enjoy” members of the opposite sex, it’s each other. Not to say we avoid all members of the opposite sex, but that being married has definitely changed our interactions with them.

Post # 30
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Such a delicate balance, b/c what is harmless for one might be crossing the line for another.  I think it can also vary from situation to situation, even with the same couple.  I trust my judgement to know when the line is approaching and when to end a convo.  And it sounds like you did too.  I think it’s healthy and totally normal to be attracted and even flirt with someone else.  Realizing, as you said, I think I have the propensity to do something stupid, is insightful and indictative of where to draw the line in the future.  I don’t like leaving the door open for problems, so if I feel like I’m seeing something strongly attractive in other men that I’m missing from my hubby, I try to talk with him about it.  Of course, I can tell myself all the other 5,500 wonderful things that make him perfect for me, but I’m really needing something from him, I owe it to him to have the courage to bring it up.

Too Much Information time:  My Darling Husband got pretty comfortable with our sex life and foreplay became a nudge on the back, if you know what I mean.  I didn’t feel desired.  I started getting drawn to attention from other guys, as harmless as heavy eye contact.  If, during that time, I had been in a situation like you described, it would have felt really good to get attention, too.  I wouldn’t have actually done anything with it, but if I kept putting myself in that place without correcting my issues at home, who knows what I’m setting myself for? 

I talked with my Darling Husband about needing to feel more desired by him and good man that he is… he’s paying attention to it now.  Don’t sweat it too much.  I don’t think it was a huge deal, but I do think you and he could stand a chat.  You said something about “type” in your first post.  That’s the real issue here.  Not to change him into someone else, but to honor your needs and get them met by him.  It worked wonders for us. 

Ah, maybe I’m projecting.  Either way, you thought of his feelings and you went home.  Maybe next time, don’t stay for drinks.

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