(Closed) Do you consider flirting (with someone other than your spouse) wrong?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 47
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

if i were in your situation, i would not feel guilty in the slightest. my hubby and i have a very loving, but laid back relationship. we are both very outgoing and sometimes flirtacious, and we both know that about each other. one time (when we were engaged) we went to a bar and tried to see who could get the most numbers from the opposite sex. we ended up having a great time and just went home and laughed about it, reminsicing of our corny pick up lines. neither of us would ever touch another person of the opposite sex, but we see no harm in having fun. i know that my hubby probably would have encouraged me to take the free drink from the guys, just because it is less money for me to pay! don’t feel guilty… i don’t think you were wrong. you’re married, not on house arrest.

Post # 48
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t think you did anything wrong, because you didn’t hide the fact that you’re married and you told them not to buy you the drinks. If you’d actually been flirting, it’d be different. If you’re feeling guilty about it though, I would just tell your husband about it.

I had a somewhat similar situation last month when we were on vacation and went to a bar after dinner. My fiancé got all caught up in a conversation with a couple of guys who were there having a bachelor party. He was somewhat drunk and gets really chatty when he is, so he left me sitting at the bar by myself, to talk to these guys all about us and how excited he is about our wedding. After a while of sitting there by myself, this guy came in and tried to hand me a rose and he told me that I looked like I deserved it and asked if I’d like some company. I told him I couldn’t accept the flower, and pointed out my fiancé across the bar. The guy said he was sorry and insisted that I take the flower anyway. That was the extent of our conversation. Well my fiancé came over when he saw this guy hand me the rose and and he didn’t say anything awful to the guy just told him who he was and put his arm around me. At first he acted like he wasn’t mad, but later on when we went back to the hotel he got really weird about it and said that I never should have taken that flower, I should have refused when he insisted. He said he would never have expected me to take something like that from another guy, and I felt really bad even though, when it happened I didn’t really feel like I was doing anything wrong because the first thing I did was say I couldn’t take it and pointed him out and said I was engaged. I guess I was semi-drunk as well and didn’t really think it through, but I still felt like he completely overreacted about it.

Post # 49
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I wouldn’t feel bad accepting a drink in a group situation– if someone was getting a round for everyone then it wouldn’t be weird for me to accept a drink.  However if someone tried to talk to me one-on-one and buy a drink? I’d politely decline.  

I also have different boundaries for different people. I have one male friend who is like a brother to me– it isn’t weird for us to hug or pick up drink tabs or anything. But I’ve got other male friends, those more “my type” as you put it, where that wouldn’t be acceptable (by my own standards/boundaries).

Post # 50
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

It’s hard for me to say because I’m not a flirt at all; I didn’t flirt when I was single (except with a person I was dating) so it’d be wrong and weird if I started flirting with men now. I think being friendly with people is fine, but if you think they’re getting an idea of what is going to happen (and it’s something you know better not happen), then you’ve already crossed the line.

Let’s say leaving one bar and going to another (or anywhere else) with someone you’re attracted to who isn’t your spouse is probably crossing the line. Then you’re not just being friendly anymore.

Post # 51
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think where you drew the line was appropriate. I admit I do enjoy ‘attention’ from other men, but you need to ask yourself – would my Darling Husband consider this behavior inappropriate? Would he be hurt? Conversations are one thing but flirting is another. I do enjoy dancing when I am out with my girlfriends, but never more than one dance with a guy (though even that is rare – and DEFINITELY no grinding or physical contact unless its like a wedding type of dancing) – and I make sure that Fiance is OK with this before I leave. 

Ways to know it’s crossing the line:

1) if attraction begins to develop
2) if you or the other person begins to get flirty in a way that makes your conscience prickle
3) if you’ll be alone
4) if you have to lie about it or omit it
5) if you’re enjoying the attention TOO much (sigh… who doesn’t enjoy being hit on by a handsome man? It reminds you that you’ve still got it.)

I think when you have to think about it, it’s time to end the conversation.

 

Post # 52
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Yes I consider flirting with someone other than my spouse wrong. It would hurt my Darling Husband greatly to ever see me or even be aware that I had been flirting with another man. And I think I might throw up if I ever saw him flirting with another woman.

But I’m pretty old fashioned, so as long as a man knows that I’m married and not interested I think it’s actually chivalrous for him to buy me a drink so I would accept it. And I would only follow them to the next location if it was clearly honestly platonic and a big group of people, not jsut the 4 of us. Honestly as a married woman, you just look bad if you’re doing something mildly inappropriate anyway.

Post # 53
Member
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with SS:

As far as I’m concerned the line is drawn where your partner would draw it.

Post # 55
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m a total natural flirt  and my SO knows doesn’t care. Drinks are $12-$15 a pop here in NYC so If can get a free one, batting eye, damn right I will. LOL I always make my status known. And some men really are happy to just leave it at conversation. If I feel like it will lead to him being more aggresive then obviously I will not accept a drink, so its on a case by case basis.

I think flirting is natural and healthy for both sexes (even those in relationships) when done in moderation and respecting your SOs guidelines. He likes knowing men find me attradtive and vice versa. My SO is not much of a flirt, but I push him to do it, especially if he can get a discount or something that we both can benefit from…Please, he’d better get his flirt on!

@peanuthead: EXACTLY!

Post # 56
Member
3601 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I’m probably in the minority here, but Darling Husband and I will go to a bar together- sit at the same table, etc- and talk to other people there. If someone asks the other of us to dance, we don’t get jealous. We find it hot to see the other enjoying him/herself. That said, we don’t hide that we are married and we don’t grope other people.

Post # 57
Member
13095 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@oracle: You sound a lot like me.  I’m very outgoing / friendly / flirtatious and while I don’t consider many of my actions and conversations “flirting” because there is ZERO intentions behind any of it, I can see how others might view them that way.

Darling Husband actually loves that I am friendly and outgoing.  The evening you described wouldn’t bother him AT ALL and he would probably laugh and be glad that I got drinks bought for me – more money in our pockets! 🙂

Post # 58
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I really think it’s based on the relationship. In mine, I go to bars with my girlfriends and will chat, dance and accept drinks–to a point. I never do anything that I consider flirty. I’m friendly and like to meet new people, but I always make it clear that I’m taken. I just love meeting new people 🙂 I know that my SO does the same and I’m fine with it, as long as it never crosses the line. 

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