Post # 1
I am asking this because I’ve always tried to keep my parents out of my relationship problems (since I was a teenager, anyway). This was a first for me and I’m curious if other bees have ever, or would ever, do this.
My SO and I have been having a recurring pattern of the same disagreement lately and I was super upset over it last night and went to my dad. I feel guilty, as if I betrayed my partner, although my dad gave me advice and perspective that I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise (turns out, he used to behave like me and my SO more like my mom , and they now have a very happy marriage of 35 years). Probably exactly what I needed to see my partners side and learn to make things better.
My parents are VERY non judgemental people and would not automatically take my side on anything because i am their daughter. They are very close with my SO and have a great relationship with him.
I am just curious about whether I should feel guilty or if it’s normal to ask a close parent for advice once in a while – not talking about keeping them involved daily, but for a one-off situation (first time in the 3 years we have been together).
Post # 2
I lost my dad before I was married and my mum is a worrier. She adores my Dh, and I wouldn’t want to change her perspective or make her concerned about my marriage (she catastrophizes things in her head, so if I told her about a disagreement she would think we were headed towards divorce).
I wouldn’t do it regularly, but it sounds like your dad is level headed and gave you good advice. I don’t think asking parents is automatically a bad thing, but in general I’d hesitate to over share.
Post # 3
If your problem has been resolved and your father is mature enough to not hold this against your SO somehow, then it’s probably fine. I wouldn’t feel too guilty about it, but I might mention where the advice came from, especially since your dad could relate.
Personally I don’t go to my parents for relationship advice because I know what they’re going to say and probably don’t want to hear it. I don’t generally have big problems in my relationship, and even when I did, I preferred to keep them between us-it was generally related to how long he freaking took to get married to me, and my parents certainly knew that without me having to tell them. They let me live my life without giving advice. They did the same for my sister who was in a relationship they didn’t care for and were thrilled when it ended. My folks are good at biting their tongues. About that stuff, at least.
Post # 4
I’m happy it worked out for you this time. I wouldn’t make a habit of it as family and friends can and will form opinions about your SO based on what you tell them that can be difficult or impossible to overcome. Sometimes that’s a good thing as they can help you to see a bad situation that you are ignoring.
Post # 5
peachybee88 : HEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL no.
Post # 6
beethree : that’s exactly why I feel bad! I know my folks are very non judgemental but I tend to keep relationship stuff to myself , besides one trusted friend. I felt like I needed a different perspective and it helped, but I would definitely fear that doing it too often could potentially make people judge my partner or our relationship.
I was curious because my dad basically said that they had been through the exact same thing in the early stages of their marriage (very similar personality types to us), how they worked it out, etc. I’m glad they haven’t judged him, or us, knowing what type of people they are – but I can imagine this could easily backfire. Too bad because I am sure a lot of parents have great advice and experience that it’s hard to tap into without getting them involved in your relationship!
Post # 7
Personally no. I would just keep it to a strict minimum if you absolutely must but if there was a single thing once every few years I dont think it’s a huge deal. Although H family shennanegans and the things they try to pull is another story- maybe i bring that up once a year for a mental sanity check that I’m not losing it and they’re just awful
Post # 8
Obviously we all know this, but everyone’s relationship with their parents varies greatly.
My mom and I are really close and she is also–probably like your dad–incredibly non-judgemental. She loves my SO and gets to hear about/see for herself all of his wonderful qualities. We haven’t had too many disagreements, but when I’m unsure of how I handled things/if I’m still feeling sad about something relating to a disagreement, I’ll ask my mom’s perspective. I’m also quite lucky in that I have a pretty awesome support system of friends and siblings, as well as my therapist, to bounce these things off of. My friends also love my SO and don’t hold the disagreements he and I may have (even if they side with me, which they don’t always do) against him.
It sounds like your dad is a trustworthy and stand-up man. I think your gut is telling you to trust him, but outside information is telling you that you did something wrong. Do you think this would be something your SO would find intrusive if you were to let him know you talked with your dad about it?
Post # 9
No l wouldn’t . Not that l think they’d be judgemental, or at least not very. But l would not ask them anything to do with marriage difficulties. I wouldn’t want them to know and possibly worry. You can’t unknow either, and once it’s out there……..
And if it was remotely connected with intimacy, hell no!
Post # 10
I personally wouldn’t. My parents aren’t people I trust for advice anyways.
Post # 11
And I would not be in a relationship with someone who felt it was appropriate to discuss our relationship issues with his parents.
Post # 12
No, never. I don’t want them to worry about my problems.
Post # 13
My dad is the first and probably only person I would go to for relationship advice. He understands people and relationships more than anyone I know, and I trust him. He’s not judgemental at all and wouldn’t hold anything against my partner unless of course it was abuse I was dealing with. He’s just an incredibly level headed and insightful person.
Post # 14
I’m shocked to see all of the people who are saying no, they wouldn’t ask their parents for relationship advice. My parents have been happily married 37 years (longer than any friends or other people I am close to) and they have obviously dealt with their fair share of ups and downs! I can’t imagine thinking my parents would hold anything i told them about my husband against him (unless of course there was cheating or absuse) then they would help me out of that situation! But regardless, my husband and I don’t really have issues that I would need advice on, but if I did, my parents would honeslty be the people I trusted most, its kind of sad others don’t feel that way!
Post # 15
motogal : When you say you wouldn’t be with someone who talked to their parents about relationship issues, who do you want them to talk to? Is it a therapist or no one??