Post # 1
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
Do you ever feel guilty about having a wedding? My parents have offered us a set amount of money, this can be used towards the wedding or anything else I want. Because of my age (30) I think they assumed we would do some very small inexpensive wedding and take the majority of the money as a house downpayment or something of that sort. I’ve never been married (neither has FI) and I don’t feel that just because we waited until we found the right person doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to have a nice formal wedding. But they have made me feel guilty about spending all this money on something that will be over in one day. Does anyone else have this problem? Any advice?
P.S. Not that it matters, but I’m a full time grad student which is why I don’t have a lot of money to contribute to the wedding myself. My Fiance works hard to support us while I go to school so I don’t have to take out as many loans.
Post # 3
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
Yes, my parents aren’t rich by any stretch of the imagination. They NEVER gave me a budget, not saying that I had an unlimited one or anything, but it made me nervous about choosing things. My parents have made me feel like I deserve it because I have got my eduaction and waited (i’m 29). I’m still in school so we are like the same person, I don’t have a job because my school is pretty much a job (I have a bahelors, but have gone bacck for a nursing degree). I live off my savings that I have from a previous job and I live with my parents, my Fiance lives in another state.
My Fiance is paying for the flowers and I’m an buying a FEW small things like my accessories and Bridesmaid or Best Man gifts. I am also making the programs to save that expense.
I would talk to them about how they are making you feel. Holding it in is only going to make it worse.
Post # 4
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
Thanks for the response. I have tried to talk to them, but I basically get told my feelings aren’t valid and that they are just trying to make sure I understand that I don’t need to have a wedding and the money could be used for other things. I wasn’t a very nice teenager, but I have been completely on my own since I was 19 and I don’t expect much or ask for much from them. Sadly, I think they still see me as the bratty teenager who wants everything. It’s just been hard because every time I see something I like or want I’m told how it could or should be done for less or that it’s a waste to spend money on it. For example, dress shopping we found one dress that was insanely cheap (on clearance) and my mom tried to talk me into getting it. I admit it fit me well, but it didn’t speak to me nor did I love it. The dress I did love was the most expensive we looked at (although not insanely priced) and my response was to start searching for it cheaper. But she still made me feel bad for liking it and for wanting a dress I love on my wedding day. I’m just not sure how to balance spending on the nice things I want for a beautiful wedding with the guilt I’m feeling over having a wedding at all. If I didn’t know myself well enough to know I would regret not having a wedding and know that my Fiance wants one also I probably would have just given up on the whole idea already.
Post # 5
Member
41 posts
Newbee
I don’t think your age should matter. You’re entitled to a beautiful wedding regardless if you are 20, 100, or anywhere in between. If I were in your situation, I would politely point out that the money is a gift and will be used in the best way you and your fiance see fit. Is it a certain thing that you and your fi will be buying a home right away? If not, you can point that out. I’m sure everything will work out and you’ll have a beautiful wedding!
Post # 6
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time babe. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves… just because you’re not getting married at 22 doesn’t mean that you don’t want a nice wedding! That’s absurd. I’d probably tell them if they wanted to continue to belittle my choices then they could keep their money and I’d do it my own way. I know it’s tough, since you’re not working right now though… really puts you in a hard place. I just can’t stand negativity, though.. at all. I’m really easy going about most things, but that’s one thing I can’t take.. especially when dealing with my wedding. Is there anyway that they can just give you and your Fiance the amount they agreed to and you can go shopping and purchase the things you want without consulting them??
Post # 7
Member
3977 posts
Honey bee
My parents paid as well and I definitely felt guilty about spending a lot of money.
We did everything for about $5000 but I didn’t even want to spend that much.
My sister didn’t get the big wedding so I think my parents wanted to make sure one of us got a nice wedding even it is was on a budget.
Post # 8
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
Thanks for the advice ladies. I appreciate it.
@kala_way – may I ask what kind of wedding and how big it was that you were able to do it for around $5000?
To answer the other questions – no we won’t be buying a home right away and I have already pointed that out.
They are happy I am getting married now (and not before) and they love my fiance. They didn’t have a formal wedding and don’t understand why I would want one. I’m not sure it would have been different if I were younger as I think they feel like I’m older now so it shouldn’t matter as much to me. So it’s not that they think I’m to old for a formal wedding, it’s that they think I should think I’m to old for the wedding and the money could be better spent.
No, they can’t give me the money upfront to spend as needed. It’s taking them time to save and plan for the money they offered.
Post # 9
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
Dont feel guilty you deserve it thats what Im telling myself lol… Fiance and I are paying for our whole wedding. I know that I could be using the money to make more than just our min payment on car payments etc it could go to another use, but we work hard and I think that we deserve to have a beautiful wedding. and I think you deserve the same!!!
Post # 10
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
don’t allow yourself to feel guilty. Of course you are entitled to a big wedding. As you said, you’ve never been married before and 30 isn’t exactly old to be getting married!!
Post # 11
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
You really need to sit with your parents. Remind them that they gave you the money with the understanding that it could be used for anything you wanted and you really want a nice wedding. It may not be the most practical thing, but it is important to you. If they keep giving you a hard time, the best thing to do might be to give the money back and figure out the wedding yourself. Otherwise, they will continue to make you miserable. If you can swing a part time job, you might consider that to help with expenses.
I got plenty of crap about the one day thing from a lot people. Since we paid for the vast majority of it ourselves, I had no problem ignoring it.
Post # 12
Member
3977 posts
Honey bee
Biggest place we saved money was on the venue. We had it at my church where my family has been members for 30 years and we paid them less than $1000 for their huge outdoor courtyard and a huge meeting room for the reception with an attached kitchen. (all built less than 8 years ago in Manhattan Beach, it’s still very nice, not your average rundown church hall, lol).
Food was $1000 since we had heavy hors d’ouerves instead of a sit down meal. We had 100 people and I didn’t tell the caterer it was a wedding. My dress was less than $500. Flowers were done by a friend for a few hundred. Cake was done by a friend who is a baker for $100. I did my own invitations.
Our centerpieces were books, scrabble tiles, and flowers. Decor was bought online ($100 for tablecloths, $60 for flower balls, etc.) and a lot of it was DIY or borrowed from friends. My dad made our wedding arbor. I did my own makeup and my hair was $40. Shoes were $35 and I still wear them. Veil was $25 and my mom bought my necklace as a gift.
It was definitely a budget wedding but I just couldn’t have handled paying a lot more for a day even though it wasn’t my money. Maybe even because it wasn’t.
Post # 13
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
@flutterbi: I don’t feel guilty but I am in a similar situation. I will be 30 and my Fiance will be 32 when we get married and my Mom is giving us a lump sum to contribute which will cover about 20% of the total wedding. The way I see it, being a little bit older actually means that we (well I’m a student too, so mostly FI) are more established in our careers and can afford a nicer wedding than we could have in our early 20’s.
I think your best bet is to not tell people how much things cost if at all possible. I know I’ve mentioned some details such as cost of photographer and honeymoon to my parents and they seemed to think that was excessive. So I’ll probably just keep everyone in the dark.
