Post # 1
I have a friend who is one of the nicest and kindest people I have ever met; however, she always seems to make little backhanded comments that hurt my feelings. The weird thing is, I don’t think she even realizes she is doing it! She, like me, is super sensitive and has her feelings hurt easily. Today, I shared with her an evaluation I had completed for something at work (a mutual experience we had participated in that was bad for both of us). She replied that my evaluation of the experience had been kind, but “after deep reflection in my heart,” she knew she “had to be honest.” I replied that I was kind of offended that she was implying my evaluation had not been honest, and that I had been; I had just phrased things more diplomatically than hers in an attempt to remain professional. She wrote back and stated she was very hurt that I had become offended by her comment so easily and now she needs some space from our friendship (note: we are together every day in a workplace with a small amount of people). Am I wrong for being annoyed that I am apparently not allowed to be honest about my feelings?
I usually just let her little comments slide, but this is definitely not the first time this has happened. I feel bad that I hurt her feelings, and wrote her an email apology stating that I shouldn’t have handled the situation in that way, but now I feel like I am apologizing for something I truly don’t feel wrong about (being offended). I am annoyed that I am acting like I am in the wrong, and I have considered telling her that this is not the first time she has made me feel crappy (she told me before that she was really upset that I did better than her on the performance review from said mutual bad experience on which the evaluation was based, which of course made me feel as though she thought she deserved to do better than me). However, she has a way of making me feel like I am the bad guy in this situation, and I just don’t know if it’s worth it to stand up for myself if it is going to make for an awkward work environment.
Does anyone else ever get to a point where it’s not worth it to stand up for yourself, or would you do it even though it might be a rude awakening to a friend? Thanks for reading.
Post # 3
I don’t know, but I had to laugh at:
“…and stated she was very hurt that I had become offended by her comment so easily…”
It really depends on where you want the friendship to go from here. You can tell her what’s up, BUT I don’t think the friendship is going to stay very friendly if you do. However, I honestly don’t think I could keep tip toeing around someone’s feelings like that.
Whatever you do, good luck! I’m sorry that you’re in this position.
Post # 4
@thatonegirl: “Does anyone else ever get to a point where it’s not worth it to stand up for yourself, or would you do it even though it might be a rude awakening to a friend? Thanks for reading.”
rarely. i’m known for “rude awakenings” to friends and family actually. i dunno…life is too short to be surrounding yourself with assholes or people who make you feel bad. the best i can do is accept that people are who they are (just like i am who i am, and i’m sure i annoy some people) but just because i can accept that, doesn’t mean i accept them in my life.
i’m kind of extreme like that though it might not work for everyone. if this girl makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around here or apologize for no reason because of slick comments she makes, then i say it doesn’t sound like a great friendship. it sounds like she’s got her claws in you for whatever reason.
at this point i would just distance myself from the friendship and act very aloof and carefree. like it’s the last thing on your mind right now….because it should be:) she’ll see that too.
Post # 5
@thatonegirl: I know what you mean. It’s tough because on one hand you consider this person a really good friend but on the other hand you feel like crap from some of their antics. Whenever I found myself in those situations I would get so frustrated at the how illogical it was. The whole, “Wait, you can say and act this way but if I mention to you that that hurt my feelings then I’m the bad guy? Why do you get to be the only honest person?” But I know for me, I hated conflict so much that I was willing to deal with it. It wasn’t until I did a study abroad by myself that I became more assertive which has really decreased my stress level. (I’ll also say that I haven’t found myself in a similar situation in a long time. I don’t if it’s because I’ve managed to surround myself with people that don’t do that much anymore or because I’ve become more assertive.)
I say let her have her “time apart” and then when she’s ready to talk again let that determine whether you remain close with her. There’s no need to lay out all the times she’s been inconsiderate (unless she demands it). I would be inclined to let the friendship just drift apart. Might make the work place a little better to deal with than if you guys went out with a bang. If though, you guys decide to repair the friendship I would gently let her know that sometimes she has a tendency to say things that come across negatively even though you know (or hope) she doesn’t mean it that way.
Post # 6
Thanks everyone for your response. I think I just had to lay it all out there, it was cathartic to write! Sometimes I need to hear other people’s perspectives because I always think my problems are the biggest deal in the world. I think I am just going to let things drift, if she feels like she needs space, that is fine. My feelings are worth something too so I shouldn’t feel sorry for asserting them.