(Closed) Do you ever feel like people judge you for waiting?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
933 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

As a waiting bee, I feel judged two opposing ways.

(1) I feel judged because some of his friends don’t like me sharing my opinion with our friends that it’s time for us to get married.

and  (2) I feel judged because it’s a race to get married and I’m falling behind. 

It’s very confusing being judged for being anxious as well as for being patient. It makes me remember to just be true to my own feelings because those who judge usually don’t have the whole story. And it’s none of their business.

My advice is: If you can, don’t dwell on the past and what you think could have been. What could have been is not real. I imagine you are glad you’re going to marry him, so try to feel that more strongly, and the wistfulness less so.  Whatever it was that made him want to wait to get engaged is part of him, so try to see him as a whole person who you love, with that as part of him. And think of your lives together for the whole of it, not just wondering why it took so long.

Post # 4
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Please don’t dwell on the past– you are engaged and were engaged when the time was right. You needed the journey to get there. For some people it happens fast, for some people they rush into it, and for some people they never get there. But you did, you got engaged and be happy about it. Do a timeline and show your journey!

To answer your questions, I only judge if it has been 2+ years where both partners are financially and career ready to commit and don’t. If they both treat each other with respect, that is their business, but if one person isn’t treating the other like you would treat a husband/wife**, then I judge. I cannot see why s/he is wasting his/her time. 

** Examples of this would be if there is no regard for the other when they go out, if they are not present together at family functions, and if they do not make decisions jointly (from travel to housing to where they go to eat)

Post # 5
Member
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I thnk you should feel smart to have waited for longer than 1-2 years. You don’t like to rush into things, and like to make very educated decisions. And you just gave an extra boost to the odds of your marriage 😉

Post # 6
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would try to put it out of your mind.  You have to remember what works for you doesn’t always work for other people.  I’ve seen couples who get engaged years later and some who get engaged within a year but that is no guarantee the marriage will last.  //  I’ve been judged just for dating and never finding “the one”.  Pssh.  I can’t marry the first guy I see!  lol

Post # 8
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I dont judge, because when I was younger and with my college boyfriend, I thought I was more than ready to be married. And I thought I was crazy for waiting 3 years for him to get to that point. I thought he was stupid for needing that time. I thought a lot of things, and I am sure my friends did as well.

And then, I didn’t want to be married to him anymore. I didnt’ want to get engaged. I didn’t want to spend one more moment with him because I knew he wasn’t the one. He said he was ready, but he wasn’t. And I wasn’t either. My friends and family thought I was insane to give up a “good” relationship where marriage was possible, but I knew better. If I would have stayed with him, I would have eventually gotten engaged and I would have been miserable in that marriage. 

So no, I dont judge those who wait. And I could care less if anyone judged me for waiting the 2 1/2 years to get engaged to my Fiance. So much happens in the course of a year. So much happens in the course of 3 years. And who’s to say that you wont one day wake up, like I did, and realize that he isn’t the man for you or this isn’t the life you wanted to live. I find long relationships or engagements to be nothing but beneficial.

Post # 9
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Kate0558:  Did you really want to marry someone who wasn’t good at managing his money? Marrying him wont change that, except to maybe give you a bit more control over his spending.

Post # 10
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

People just expect couples to get married. I think it’s weird. I was with my ex for 7 years and always heard “It’s time to get married” or people will go “holy crap, why aren’t you married yet?” Uhh….because I’m still in college and he’s still trying to figure out where his life is headed….

Then I thought I would be judged because Darling Husband and I got engaged after less than a year – nobody said a damned thing and everyone was happy for us. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about that, it just seems odd. You’d think people would be more up in arms about getting married too soon rather than too late.

Post # 11
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t feel judged, I am usually more happy and excited for the couples that have been together for 3+ years before getting engaged than I am for those that have been together less than a year or 2 years…I don’t know why maybe I am just being judgmental because I seriously believe that the first year is just a honeymoon phase, and that it really takes longer than that to get to know someone before making a commitment such as marriage.

Post # 12
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I know they do, based on what is said and how people treat us.  A very traditional couple who was married last June seems akward and strange, now, and spend their time with other married folk.  BF gets mad about it, thinking I go mopeing to everyone and anyone who will listen, complaining about it – which I never do – that’s why I come here.  No friends have ever heard any of what I post here.  

 

Everyone seems to have figured that when all our friends, and both his and my brothers got engaged and married, we’d follow suit.  I get expectant looks when we get back from a trip, and I’ve seen people look at my naked hand.  And then the repeated, “So, did anything interesting ahppen while you were gone?  Anything?”  I admit to hoping he’d ahve soemthing planned for my birthday last month, and he did, to give him credit, but it wasn’t what I was hoping, or anyone else had thought.

He’s tired of being asked when and why, but won’t make a move.  He won’t realize that after all your friends get married, and you’ve been together since college, it’s kinda a normal thing to do and it confuses people as to why you ahven’t.  For a while I tried to minimize it by lying about how I felt, saying I knew we were too young, he was in school, the time wasn’t right, etc.  But after so many other couples, all of whom have been together a fraction of the time we have walked down the aisle I just stopped.  I couldn’t do it anymore.

People look at me strangely when they hear how long we’ve beent ogether.  Poeple look at hima ccusingly when they hear the same.  So we are either both strange, or they think he’s a jerk, or there’s something horribly wrong with me, making me not ‘wife-worthy’. 🙁

I absolutely hate it. 

Post # 13
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I totally feel judged! We waited 9 (that’s right, 9!!) years before getting engaged. I’m glad we waited overall, but sometimes I feel like I’m not allowed to get giddy about anything for the wedding. I feel like in a sense we’re already married and we’re making a big fuss about it now, years later. I try to put all that out of my mind, but sometimes peoples comments are frustrating. At least I know our marriage will be strong and we really know who we each are, and what we want for our lives now. I worry about people who get engaged so soon. I know our relationship was way different after a few years than it was in the start. You did good to wait, and you’ll probably be better off in the long run 🙂

Post # 14
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

OP, totally know where you’re coming from.  We’d been together seven years before getting engaged.  When I was waiting, I hated when people would ask “so when yall getting married?”  Like I knew the answer.  A man at work even asked me once Fiance was “sure he wants to get married.”  Seriously?!  I started feeling insecure after that.

And then after we finally got the ball rolling, I got a lots of “it’s about time” instead of “congrats.”  Thinking back now, there’s family that didn’t even send warm wishes. 

 

Post # 15
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@GeorgiaTeacup:  And then after we finally got the ball rolling, I got a lots of “it’s about time” instead of “congrats.”

Yeah – Bf is worried about that.  I can’t really tell him it’s his own fault, though.  I mean, what do you expect from people – you pretty blantanly throw convention out the window and then get mad when people ask you about being odd?  

Post # 16
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Isilme:  Yep, it’s like thinking you’re going to get a popped bottle of champagne and confetti, but only getting a noisemaker instead.

BUT, hang in there!  I was in the same exact boat as you… met in college, made myself feel better by saying we met young, etc.  Think about it this way… you and your guy will already know eachother inside and out by the time you get hitched, so you won’t really have to make any adjustment to married life.  I think it takes a lot of pressure off of the marriage knowing what married life will already be like since you’ve already been together that long.

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