(Closed) Do you ever feel like you have something to prove?

posted 6 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
Member
7401 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Actually, no.  Everyone who knows me (including ex-husband’s family) has been very supportive of me.  I am so sorry you have had to deal with this.  It is hard enough without people scrutinizing you.

Post # 4
Member
9686 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@angelapicklebottom:  No, I haven’t had to deal with it and I’m sorry you’re having to.  I’m not close to my “blood” family, though, other than my son.  My FI’s family has been wonderful to me in every way and they are my family now. 

Your Fiance is right, don’t put up with such rude and intrusive behavior.  As anyone who has gone through a divorce can tell you, it is one of the most excruciatingly painful things anyone can ever experience.

Just ask them why they want to continually remind you of something so hurtful to you, if they really love you like they say?  What is loving about that?

Post # 5
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I haven’t faced this direclty, but I’m sorry you’re having to.  I pretty much did that to myself when I got engaged “why am I ready to remarry? Do I deserve to?”  It was hard enough to answer those questions for myself, but it would suck to have to answer to others.  But you really don’t have to.  Honestly, if they don’t know you or your relationship well enough to know why/if/how you’re ready, then I would say that they’re not close enough to be going to the wedding.  

I know that oversimplifies things, but ultimately YOU and your Fiance are responsible for this marriage, and it’s no one else’s business but to support you if they’re being involved in your wedding. 

Post # 6
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

Yes, yes, yes, and absolutely!

   When I was in my early twenties, I was on a VERY self-destructive path.  If I had kept going the path that I was going, I would probably been buried in a shallow grave somewhere right now.  When I met my husband, who is 10 years older than me, at 22, he changed my life.  He was very financially stable and He gave me stability and security and the financial resources to have a better life.

Now, eleven years later, we have been married for almost eight years.  Still to this day, some of the people who knew me then throw it up in my face.  I understand that a lot of it is jealousy.  I really do have a life that most people would love to have, yet I really didn’t do anything to deserve it.  It constantly is pointed out that my new car, house, ering, life, that I don’t have to work, etc is more than I “should have”.

I fully admit that I am far more blessed than I deserve.  It is painful that people, who claim to love me, can’t just be happy for me.  Yes, I married a man who changed my life and gave me a beautiful new one.  Can we please let me off the hook for the mistakes I make more than a decade ago?

Post # 7
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Absolutely not. Something changed in me sometime between my daughter died and my ex dumped me. I don’t feel like I have to explain jack to anybody (well maybe my employer with job-related stuff). If someone would be so unfortunate as to bring up crap, they would promptly find themselves without an audience. I have enough REAL problems  to worry about in contrast what others may think of my actions. Screw’em!

Post # 8
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I explained once, when I got divorced, in one sentence to those close enough to me to warrant an explanation.  No further explanation will ever be given, except to my children when they are old enough to ask and hear the truth.

Post # 9
Member
2044 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry you’re going through this! I experienced similar issues when my ex-husband and I separated and filed for divorce 6 years ago. At first, I took all the harsh judgements and criticisms because I felt guilty for abandoning our marriage and not meeting my family’s expectations (very religious and conservative). BUT, I evenutally realized that NO person has the right to judge my reasons for leaving my husband. They didn’t live with the emotional and verbal abuse, the stifling and overbearing demands, and the constant passive agressive manipulation. 

I learned to cut people off when they started talking about my past. I now make snarky comments like “gosh, I didn’t realize our marriage was a threesome! That must be why you know SO MUCH about my past!” Or I flat out ask them “I’m sorry, would you like to discuss your mistakes and failures now? Because I’ve moved on from mine and I don’t care to dwell on them”. Be confident in your choices because they are/have been what’s best for you. If certain people can’t let go of your past, either set them straight (in private and politely, to start) or stop associating with them (in lay-man’s terms, screw ’em).

You deserve to be happy and to be surrounded by people who add to your happiness, not detract from it. And you certainly don’t owe anyone an explanation. If they can’t see your joy in your current relationship, then no amount of explanation will get through to them.

Don’t apologize for your happiness, the wonderful man in your life, or your great relationship with him. You deserve all of it. Sorry for the long post. I wish you the best of luck with your situation. 

 

Post # 10
Member
1934 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@angelapicklebottom:  I feel exactly the same way.  And I’ve been married TWICE before.  I feel like I have to explain my entire life story and everything that happened in my two previous relationships for anyone to care at all (other than my parents, who fully support me).  No one cares about the wedding, and basically, I am constantly made fun of. I feel your pain.  

I wish you all the best of luck.  Just remember in your own heart that you are happy and that’s all that matters!

Post # 11
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I feel like I have something to prove as FI’s future second wife. Because he was married before me, I’m terrified that nobody will take me seriously as his wife. Fiance says it’s irrational, but it’s something that still pains me occasionally. He was married for 6 months and then him and ex parted ways. He always says his marriage was a joke, and I just don’t want anybody to look at me that way. I know my Fiance loves me and I love him with all my heart. I shouldn’t care what others think, but it would be nice for people to look at me as someone my fiance is going to spend the rest of his life with. Not as another “joke bride.”

Post # 12
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Oh, that really sucks! I was divorced in 2006 and it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself, my family has been very supportive and I haven’t had to face what you have…and I couldn’t imagine having to do so.

You need to do what your comfortable with, and maybe that is just being honest. When someone says something that hurts you, inform them that it does, that you made a mistake and your a different person now and that you could use all the support you can get to be successful in this marriage. You can be respectful of other’s opinions, even if it hurts you and walk away the bigger person. Some people may not see it now, but they will.

Post # 13
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Miss Mauverick:  It sounds like your marriage and mine were very similar. I lived with those behaviors for 25 yrs and unfortunately I subconsciously taught my children that that’s what women do in a relationship. I left when my daughter was 12 but she often treats me like my ex did and I have to address it directly to try to break this pattern. My son was 18 and his father almost managed to erase our relationship and I was very close to my son. It’s taken years to repair things after the lies told about me. Once people knew what was happening, their next question was,”Why did you stay so long?” All I can say is I didn’t want to be a failure in marriage, I wanted a whole family for my children for as long as possible and I had no financial means to get out since I gave up my career to raise children. So, in answer to the OP, I guess I do feel like I’ve had to defend myself. 

Post # 16
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@angelapicklebottom:  I have faith in you, and so do the ones who matter. Your wedding is an important day, I don’t want to make it sound like it isn’t but it isn’t nearly as important as your marriage. Hopefully they will all be there to support the commitment.

You know what you went through, you know what your doing now. Hold your head up and do the absolute best you can, no one can fault you for that. 🙂

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