(Closed) Do you ever feel pressure to be close with your ILs?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’ve been with my husband for 4 years, and his parents recently just told him that they’ve been harboring resentment toward me for not calling/texting his mom frequently or asking her to go to lunch. I was stunned, as she’s never given me any indication that she would like to spend time with me outside of family events. I’ve never had inlaws before, so I didn’t really know how I was expected to interact with them. Apparently I was doing it wrong.

Post # 4
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

There isn’t any real pressure on my part to be close to my in-laws. Fortunately, I get along very well with my Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law, DH’s oldest brother and his sister. However, I do not care for his other brother and his wife, and I’m sure the feeling is mutual. Everyone understands this and as long as we are polite to one another, nobody minds.

Post # 5
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

No you don’t have to be close just civil. I really dont speak to In-Laws unless I absolutely have to and thank the lord they live far, but when we meet, its smiles and jokes all round but I wouldn’t go out of my way to call and establish a r/ship. I stay out of their life, they stay out of mine. We built Mother-In-Law a house far away so what else would she need from our end of the tracks. But I say hey when i meet her.

Post # 6
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@Aquaria:  I’m not married or engaged, but I do feel pressure to hang out with the girl dating my SO’s brother. We’ve known each other since we were really little kids. I didn’t like or get along with her then and I still don’t like her now (clashing personalities). I’ve tried hanging out with her alone, but it’s just awkward and I wind up leaving disliking her even more. 

My SO doesn’t like her either and he seems to have finally reached his breaking point with her and his brother. The pressure we’ve gotten has come from his mom (who I love) who, understandably, wants everyone to get along. We’re civil and polite to them when we see them, but that’s the extent.

The way I see it, you don’t have to be best friends or close to your in-laws. You do, however, have to be polite and nice to them (unless they’re toxic or they’ve done something to deserve it) because they are your SO’s family.

Post # 7
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yes – my Fiance expects me to talk to/call/text etc his mother quite a bit. Believe me when I say that the future in laws really are pretty awesome and we all get along great when we’re together. I like spending time with them, when my Fiance is around too. Otherwise, I feel awkward. I think my Fiance expects me to feel like his mom is my mom, but I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way. I have my own mother and she’s quite literally my best friend and I just don’t see having that kind of relationship with anyone else. It’ll be interesting once we’re married…

Post # 8
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I have tried multiple times to create a close relationship with my IL’s and they don’t seem to want the same, so I’ve decided as long as things are civil when we do get together, why do I need more? I’ve got my FH!

Post # 9
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Both of our parents live overseas. So, there’s no day-in/day-out pressure to see each other. I think on both sides a little communication is good, but there’s no serious expectation from either side.

Post # 11
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

FH is the oldest of 5 and I’m a couple of years older than him, so I don’t feel any pressure to socialize with his siblings, but I adore his youngest sister and we text back and forth a lot. She’s  my go-to girl when I need family info.  I’ve don’t have a little sister but I’ve started to think of her like one.  I don’t even have anybody else’s phone number in his family. I email his mom sometimes, but I think FH feels the need to triangulate communication between us and I don’t want to step on his toes, but I think his mom would like to be closer to me. 

Post # 12
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Completely!  My Mother-In-Law emails me CONSTANTLY.  I reply maybe once a month.  If she had it her way, we’d be on the phone five times a day.  She’s VERY nosey and intrusive.  She’s also a huge gossip.  I would never tell her anything I wouldn’t tell my mailman.  

My husband isn’t close with his siblings and hasn’t talked to them in years so they’re a non-issue.

Luckily, he’s a private person as well so I don’t have to worry about his family successfully getting into our business.

Post # 13
Member
2495 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I text my fiancé’s sister on quite a regular basis and I have, and will, spend time with her without my fiancé. As for my Future In-Laws, I haven’t spent time with them without my fiancé being there (apart from when I was going to theirs and he hadn’t got back from work). Not to say that I wouldn’t, but I don’t know if at the moment I would make plans myself…but would say yes if they asked me. 

Post # 14
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Aquaria:  I feel your pain! My in-laws actually expect me to be their daughter – it’s so awkward! Like another poster said, I’m very close with my parents, so to try and have that kind of relationship with other people (especially when I’ve only known them a few years). Luckily, they don’t expect me to speak to them all the time or hang out (my Mother-In-Law would love us to have some girl time together though – groan), they just expect me to act as if I’m the family.

To be honest, I think it’s great if you can be friends with the in-laws, but that doesn’t mean you have to hang out all the time, especially if that’s not what you’re like normally). You don’t need to spend time with them without your partner if you’re not comfortable with that – assuming you’re spending the rest of your life with your partner, you’ll have another 50 years or so to get to know them better. It doesn’t have to happen right now.

Post # 15
Member
2473 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I feel pressure…and I dont like it.

Its also a cultural thing because they are extremely close italian family. It’s so hard to explain, I feel like if I’m not doing all these things they act, or say to my Fiance that “shes not family oriented” or whatever…like I like Mother-In-Law most of the time, but its kind of that awkward I dont think I’d really call you up to go for dinner on our own kinda thing….and I know she wants that… but, I’m not “there” yet.

I also have a pet peeve that its basically expected that the effort is all on ME!!! I said to Fiance one day…”so….basically your parents giving your grief because I dont call your mom and put all this effort in….when she doesnt do it either?” How does that work? I can understand them being upset if SHE was actually calling ME, or texting, or emailing and I was blowing her off… but if she isnt making any such effort herself, somehow IM the bad guy? ahhh NO mr. and mrs. hypocrite… this is a 2 way street. 

I can barely stand to be around my Future Father-In-Law for more then a sunday dinner so I really dont like spending time alone with them without Fiance.

My Future Sister-In-Law lives at home and shes reverted into a princess since her “big bro” moved out and now she seems to be throwing tanrums and crying about how he doesnt spend as much time with her anymore blah blah…. my mom actually warned me this might happen. (Im an only child) and she said for sisters… its weird but when your brother gets married, you go through this….”jealously” phase (not like norma bates weird…like romantic lol) but in this sibling way thats like “he was mine, he was my protector, who is this women taking away my brother/or son”. Fiance family seem to be going through this in a hard way…. and Im finding it really hard to be around them let alone be close. 

We’re 3 months out from the wedding and the guilt trips from Mother-In-Law and tantrums from Future Sister-In-Law are just getting worse. a) the wedding is in 3 months, b) were building a house thats gonna be ready right after the wedding, c) I just got layed off from my job….so we are CRAZY BUSY, and have a lot of stress, but yet they dont seem to understand we cant devote a lot of time to them right now….

I have no idea what to do.

 

 

 

 

Post # 16
Member
8472 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Nope. Do not feel any pressure. We’re all grown adults who have our own lives. 

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