(Closed) Do you ever question if your making a mistake marrying your fiancé?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
626 posts
Busy bee

Has it been like this for 7 years? How serious are the fights?

I don’t think that’s normal, but I also think it can be resolved if both of you want to resolve it. A good therapist could help him come up with some healthier ways to manage communication and disagreement.

Post # 3
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I would never suggest marrying while communication skills are lacking in the relationship. So, without improvement, I would not get married and I would definitely postpone any wedding planning until you both can get a handle on this. If he cannot communicate at all and you’re at the end of your rope then you need to go to a counselor. They’all be able to mediate and focus you both on how to approach situations in the right manner.

 

Post # 4
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Communication is key. I worried a bit that my DH wouldn’t ever understand somethings about me but we talked extensively and OVER AND OVER about them. we never involved a therapist but I made sure to research and read about positive communication styles that led to productive problem solving and healthy discussional tones. 

For me, arguments tend to make me stop and think that my husband is saying “love me! why can’t you look at this problem from my brain and communicate your concern in a way that doesn’t disrespect my feelings”. 

I think approaching an argument as a team effort instead of your guy being the bad guy is important. Are you both fighting over wedding planning? if so, I’d figure out the root cause. if it’s truly just the wedding stuff, divide and conquer your tasks. 

 

Post # 5
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

no thats not normal IMO. Even when my now DH and I squabbled I never for a second doubted that hes the one for me much less told him I want to leave. I think you need to listen to your gut here and get out of this relationship.

Post # 6
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I believe there was a study done several years back that found out the biggest reason couples divorce/break up is because they can’t fight “well”. Fighting is a part of any relationship, but it should, for the most part, be constructive and helpful. Of course you’ll have a few blowouts that aren’t helpful at all, but those should definitely be in the minority.

I’d recommend seeing a couple’s counselor specifically to understand how you can fight “better”, how you can make your fights less about hurting one another or winning the argument. And I’d definitely hold off a wedding till you learn this skill. It’s a lot of work, takes a ton of patience, but if you both really care about and want this relationship, you’ll both put in the effort. Your future marriage will thank you. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn

Communication (or lack there of) is what broke me up with my first husband. He wasnt willing to communicate or work with me to LEARN how to communicate better with each other.  Dont do it if you can’t communicate.  Fighting like that is not normal in the sense of BIG fights once a week. If you can’t see even the slightest improvement between your fights, meaning you and him come to an agreement on how to communicate better and you can’t SEE that improvement of any way shape or form in your next fight.

Never threaten to leave unless you mean it.  Saying things you dont MEAN makes you loose credibility and respect.

Post # 8
Member
6936 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Fighting at least once a week is very troubling. Has it always been like this? What are the fights about? If you’re fighting that often I’d guess that there is some deep rooted problem that has never been addressed or resolved and that resentment/anger erupts in these other fights. And what do you mean he doesn’t believe that you want to leave? He doesn’t have to believe it but if that’s how you feel you need to do what is best for you. This stuff does not get any easier/better after marriage. The same problems will still exist.

I’d suggest either trying couples counseling to work on fighting fair and getting to the real root of the issue or just end it. 

Post # 9
Member
34 posts
Newbee

Wedding planning is fun and can put you on a high. The build-up is a fun distraction. 

But when the wedding’s over, everything goes back to the way it is right now. 

If that’s what you want for the rest of your life, get married. If not, don’t. 

Post # 10
Member
449 posts
Helper bee

It doesn’t matter what is ‘normal’ or not (though it isn’t normal, for the record).

The question is, is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this the person you want to go through life’s troubles with? Do you feel confident, safe, and trusting of this person?

I’ve been in a relationship like yours and let me tell you, you don’t have to go through life fighting with someone you’re supposed to love. My husband and I have been together over 6 years and I can count the times we’ve fought on one hand. The rest of ‘disagreements’ are calmly, maturely, confidently, lovingly discussed.

Post # 11
Member
9941 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you want to leave, you should leave. 

No, it is not healthy to be in a relationship where you’re fighting all the time and not communicating in a constructive way.

He is not the right person for you to be marrying.

Post # 12
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee

I never had any doubts and if you’re fighting that much and not able to communicate then you may be setting yourself up for a rough life.

Communicating is key in any relationship, if you do not have that then your problems will just build.

Have you thought about talking to a professional? Perhaps a marriage counselor 

Post # 13
Member
34 posts
Newbee

View original reply
happyhappywife :  “It doesn’t matter what’s normal or not. The question is, is this what you want for the rest of your life?”

Love that. So true. My mother once told me (when I was in the wrong relationship) to “stop worrying about how things are ‘supposed’ to be. Think about how you WANT them to be. THAT is how they are supposed to be.” 

Post # 14
Member
1008 posts
Bumble bee

I had doubts when our relationship was rocky – we were fighting all the time and it was terrible – I knew we couldn’t get married.

But, we went to couple’s counseling, did a ton of individual work on ourselves, and completely changed our relationship. 

Now that we have a great relationship, I have no doubts at all. 

Good luck bee!

Post # 15
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Your relationship has probably run its course. It doesnt sound like you are happy.

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