(Closed) Do you ever question if your making a mistake marrying your fiancé?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I had a few friends getting married around the same time I did, and they would ask me questions like this. To me, this is not normal. The one thing that kept me sane during the process of planning a wedding/being engaged was my partner. That was the constant. I knew I was making the best decision, and while everything else was so crazy around me, he was, and still is, my rock.

There is serious communication issue there, and if you can’t solve it yourselves or with professional help, I wouldn’t go through with getting married (or at least postpone it).

Post # 17
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

My husband and I have been together since September 2014 and married since December 2015.  We have NEVER raised our voices at each other or have a blown-up fight.  If we disagree we sit down and communicate and come to a mutual understanding.

I knew from the moment I met him that he was my soulmate.  And I’ve known my whole life that he was out there.

He’s my soulmate, why would I ever want to yell at him?  I love him.

Post # 18
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
gatordeb :  ok but it’s ok to disagree and sometimes get a little heated. It happens. Doesn’t mean I love my husband less because ive yelled at him a few times in the last 10 YEARS of our relationship. 

Post # 19
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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blahblahgirl :  Eh, I disagree that it’s ok to yell at people.  I don’t think it’s “ok” to yell at ANYbody.  If things start to get heated, walk away, think about good traits of the person in front of you, think about reasons NOT to yell at them, etc.

Post # 20
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

I understand how bad communication can make you anxious. I was too in my previous relationships, and observing my friends in theirs.

You say: He can’t communicate at all when we fight or should I say he won’t.

not sure how old he is, but it sounds like he’s still a bit immature in this area (like most guys in their teens and early 20s). My ex said things like “I tried to do everything to make you happy but you’re not”, but that’s because he shut down when we fight or when I try to talk to him, so he doesn’t know what I really need from him (e.g: more encouragement etc) He would walk out when we fight and go do something else at his friend’s so he doesn’t have to face me. It makes me super worried and anxious because nothing was resolved.

My fiance on the other hand, has been amazing at communication, even when things are terrible, I’m moody, and likely to scream and cry. He is patient with me whenever we fight and allow me to let out steam before attempting a calm conversation. I’m never anxious when we fight because I know he’ll always listen to what I have to say. 

So I think you should hold off the marriage and see a counsellor to resolve this issue before marrying him. You don’t want to get stuck in an unhappy marriage where communication fails.

Post # 21
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I questioned whether I was making the right choice by getting married, period. but as far as my husband, I never doubted he was the one I wanted too marry and should marry.

I just felt scared about the responsibility of being married. Then I imagined my life without him and I realized whatever fear I had about the weight of marriage paled in comparison to my heartbreak at even the idea of reaching life’s milestones without him by my side.

So, yes, there was doubt, but no, for me it wasn’t about the man.

ETA: Forgot to respond to the question about fighting. In our relationship, no that’s not normal. for some people maybe it is, but it doesn’t sound very healthy.

To give you some perspective, what’s normal for us is arguing from time to time, sometimes about the dumbest little stuff. probably about once every few months we’ll have a significant disagreement and every few weeks we’ll have a petty one. 

I’m not going too say we haven’t raised our voices, but it’s extremely rare. I think maybe 3-4 times in 7 years. usually it’s just talking, and not agreeing on something we always acknowledge each other and we never stay upset more than a couple hours. 

 

Post # 22
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
gatordeb :  that’s fine if you don’t ever yell! That’s good on you. But to insinuate that people who do, love their significant others less isn’t really fair. 

Post # 23
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
happybridetobee2017 :  Every relationship is different, but no. I have never thought I may want to leave. I don’t think that is normal.

It sounds like he’s having a tough time opening up and you also have issues of your own. It might benefit you two to go to couples counseling to see if you can work it out before getting married. If not, he may not be the one for you.

Post # 24
Member
2569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
happybridetobee2017 :  Hey Bee, you’ve posted about your anxiety before. That’s what I think you need to work on first. Talk to a professional about where it stems from and how to get control over it. Then if you are still arguing with your Fiance, you have a level head and aren’t freaking out during a fight. 

How often do you want to leave? What are your fights about? Wedding things, silly disagreements that get out of hand, or real deep problems with fundamental differences. 

For the record I’ve been with my Fiance for 8 years, living together for nearly 6 years and I have NEVER wanted to leave. We had one big problem at the beginning that kept coming up but we dealt with it with the help of counselors. Our communication, support and mutual respect is what keeps us together other than being in love with each other and feel like we are best friends. 

I worry that you are unhappy, have been unhappy and aren’t doing anything to fix it. 

Post # 25
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Id have a sit down talk when your not fighting and set rules of engagement for  fights. My partner and I try to stay touching whenever we have a serious disagreement or are starting to argue this has a subconsious calming affect and helps stop fights from esculating, we also argue until the issue is solved if we have to explain and re explain and reword our points for 2hours we will because we wont leave things unresolved.

Post # 26
Member
589 posts
Busy bee

Engagement should be a happy time in your life! 

You’ve been putting up with this for 7 years? Or has this recently just atarted? He definitely needs help with his communication style because it’s deteriorating your relationship. Why does he talk to you like that? 

He doesn’t sound like he shows you respect when he communicates with you which isn’t healthy or very loving of him. 

Have you suggested he needs find other ways of finding to express his feelings towards you? 

I don’t blame you for starting to get negative thoughts about your future with him . 

Your SO should want to talk to you with love and respect not the way your Fiance is showing his emotions towards you. Even if you disagree so way should someone dismiss you like that. 

Good luck

Post # 27
Member
2332 posts
Buzzing bee

This is definitely not normal. I would never marry someone who I was arguing every week with. Or just arguing *badly* with, period. 

SO and I either take a break if either of us starts to feel heated, or we are able to stay calm from the get go by:

– validating the other person
– apologizing for whatever we can find to apologize for
– staying focused on the goal of conflict-resolution, not self-protection
– not attacking
– staying focused on issue at hand – not derailing or bringing up past situations
– maintaining physical contact

If either of us break these team-mentality rules, the other points it out calmly and we either apologize or take a break if we feel heated. I’ve actually devolved into personal attacks before and stopped mySELF and apologized before continuing with the topic.

I can’t handle the anxiety and emotional rollercoaster of relationships with bad communication. I’d rather be single. 

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