Post # 1
Working in the medical field, I am often disappointed by how many women judge other women’s birth decisions. In my opinion, if someone selects an epidural, or needs a c-section that does not make them a bad mother. Similarly, if someone wants to use a doula and bounce on a birthing ball, that’s their right. Why do so many women try to force their beliefs about birth onto other women? Most women judging, it seems, haven’t been to medical school, nursing school, or any other health degree program, yet they judge others as if they are experts. I find this troubling, and wish women would respect one another and realize that everyone has a different medical history, unique challenges to face, and unique cultural/religious beliefs. To me, it’s very anti-woman and anti- feminist to try and shame someone into selecting a certain birth style. Everyone has different values and needs, and the right to be respected for whatever they choose. Am I alone in this view?
Post # 3
I had to have a c-section with each pregnancy. I’ve actually been told that I’m not a “real mother” since I didn’t actually give birth naturally and another told me I could never “understand that kind of bond” a woman and her baby have with an all natural delivery. Both comments sickened me.
I think it’s hateful and disgusting that women act this way towards other women. I don’t care why you had a natural delivery, so why would you care why I had a c-section? How does my c-section affect you? Do you *really* think you’re a better mother because you got lucky and didn’t need quite so many medical interventions?
Post # 4
@stuckinwonderland: That breaks my heart! I am so sorry someone said that to you. Obviously that is not true. I wish women supported one another better.
Post # 5
I thnk there’s too much judging of one another as it is, and this is just one more area where each woman- PERSON- has a perfect right to make her own, and her family’s own, decisions.
Off topic, but I find the idea that a non expert’s opinion is equal to an expert’s tiring.
Post # 6
Mothers judge each other way to much period. What one way of parenting works for one parent, may not work for another set of parents. I am so tired of being judged because I couldn’t Boyfriend or Best Friend.
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center
I absolutely hear what you are saying. I’m 3 months pregnant, and already people are asking me about my delievery. I know that I personally really, really want a natural birth. I even chose a program out of my city to help give me a better chance for this to happen. I was surprised at the amount of women around me calling me stupid for not getting an epidural. That was stupid for not taking advantage of the medicine, and why should I make myself suffer if I don’t have to? And if I’m offered a c-section, I should jump at the chance instead of going through with a vaginal one. It really hurt my feelings that they think that because I really want to experience natural birth, that they think I’m “stupid”. Now I just keep my mouth shut when people ask and non-committedly just shrug my shoulders. I would never put down a woman for wanting an epidural or a c-section, so it frustrates me that they think it’s okay to put me down.
Post # 8
I actually just re-watched “The Business of Being Born” last night. Fascinating documentary. The only thing I don’t agree with are elective c-sections (meaning women who are perfectly able to give birth vaginally, but choose not to because they don’t want to go through labor). There have been so many studies about how vaginal birth is healthier for both the mother and child, so I don’t really agree with putting both at risk just to have the birth be more convenient for the mother. No judgment against women who need c-sections for medical reasons or women who choose to have drugs, etc.
Post # 9
Yupppp. I’ve been told I’m weak because I got the epidural. I think it’s so sad and hateful when women say to other women “Your less of a mom because you had a c-section.” or “C-section is the easy way out.” I had a vaginal and I’m sorry but women who have had c-sections are seriously heros in my book. I could’nt imagine the pain you had to bare. I was also bad mouthed because I got induced and “didn’t let nature take it’s course.” Each mother does it different and has different experiences.
Post # 10
I hear ya. I am however against elective c-sections and early elective deliveries (for both quality and cost reasons – can’t help but bring my career into it) however I won’t judge you as being a poor mother if you chose one of those things.
People need to mind their own business is what it comes down to. And that goes for things beyond childbirth and parenting!
Post # 11
@FLBlonde93: I am so sick of the term “shaming”, first of all. It’s everywhere these days and driving me bonkers.
No, I don’t think it’s anti feminist or whatever. I think women (and men) love to judge each other in every aspect of life. This isn’t different from when someone judges hipsters for their silly glasses or for that fat chick when she gets a venti frappucino.
Yes, in general people should stop “shaming” each others’ choices.
If we simply focused on ourselves and our own choices, the world would be a better place.
Post # 12
@Tinatiny1: Well said, and I feel the same way.
@Sassygrn: That’s another great example- some women simply cannot or choose not to breast feed, and they should not be condemned for this. There are so many reasons it doesn’t work for certain people: medications they need that would pass through the milk, diseases they could pass to the baby via milk, the inability to produce milk, the anxiety they experience, scheduling issues, etc. I am sorry you experienced that judgement.
@Mrs. Doily: I am sorry others put you down. Women need to support each other.
One way is not best for everyone, and people should not act like it is.
Post # 13
@figgnewton: I always find it odd that people consider a c-section the “easy way out”. First off, most of the time, you have a c-section because something is already wrong… baby isn’t progressing, you have an illness, pre-eclampsia, high blood pressure… in any case, no one is having fun. Then, you have a c-section and wait an hour or two to hold your baby. Then, you spend weeks recovering. Not sure how that’s the better deal!
Post # 14
I think certain types of people try to one up others with many things including birth. It makes them feel better about themselves.
Post # 15
I am not judgemental about any method of giving birth, even elective c-sections.
Whatever you choose doesn’t make you less of a mother or more of a mother, period.
Post # 16
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Yes and no. I think that some of what is perceived as “judgement” is more like frustration. Hell, I’d like to go back and slap younger me for not being more educated and pro-active about my own child birth experience. There are women out there who are opening doors and challenging the establishment. I imagine that for some of them, who have had to argue for the option of having a heplock instead of a constant IV, or who have had to cajole the system to be allowed to get up and walk around while in labor it can be very frustrating to see others who appear to be following the establishment without question. And that may come out as judgement, when it’s really something else.
And then there are those individuals who just need to feel superior by putting others down for whatever choice is at hand. A preggo friend of mine recently encountered this when she declared to 2 other friends that she wanted to try for a natural both. They literally laughed in my preggo friend’s face. She left and called me, crying. She was so hurt by their judgement. All I could tell her was, “Welcome to the Mommy wars. Everyone thinks they know better than you. You’ll get used to it.”