Post # 1
If you are a named guest, but it’s your SO who was invited, do you contribute to the gift/assume your SO will gift extra since you are attending? Or, flip it, if your SO is invited as your guest do you give more? For those who are married/engaged do you behave differently now than you did when you were “just” long term SOs?
As a secondary question: would you go/send a gift if you were invited to the bridal shower for the bride in this same hypothetical?
It came up today. My friend believes one thing and I believe another.. curious if there is a consensus from the bee or if this really is just one of those things that everyone feels differently about.
Post # 2
Hm I think it depends on if you know the couple and how serious you are with your SO. As a plus-one, I would expect whoever invited me to cover the gift. As a Girlfriend or Fiance, if I didn’t know the couple, I wouldn’t contribute to the gift (or I might contribute a small amount if there was going to be a full meal and open bar, since I am getting a free dinner out of it). Now that we’re married, any gift would likely just come out of the joint fund anyway. I think we only went to one wedding befor we got married. It was for my friend who he had met several times, but I covered the gift for both of us
If I didn’t know the bride or wasn’t close to her at all, I definitely wouldn’t attend her shower or send a shower gift.
Post # 3
courtja : agree.. seems pretty gift grabby to invite your friends date to the shower, if you aren’t close.
Post # 4
Each person who eats needs to give a gift.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t assume it’s a gift grab, she might just think it would be nice to include you. If you don’t want to go then don’t.
Post # 6
nonablu : good point. I guess it depends on more than what I gave in the hypothetical.
Post # 7
amanda1988 : When my SO and I were just BF/GF and I was his plus one to his friends’ weddings, we would both chip in for a wedding gift. But right after we got engaged, he just started giving a larger amount in one wedding card and tells the couple it’s from both of us.
In regards to your second question, all my SO’s female friends are Europeans. They don’t do bridal showers.
Post # 8
I gave a joint gift when I was dating my fiance and we went to a wedding. Before we lived together we decided how much we were each comfortable giving and then combined that into one gift. Now that we live together we look at our joint budget and take out of the joint account.
I would not give a gift to a shower I didn’t go to. But if I went I would give a gift regardless of how well I know them.
Post # 9
amanda1988 : If I was a random date (which I’ve never done), I would assume my date would handle it. When I was dating my now Fiance, we’d be invited to a wedding together, we’d discuss the amount we were giving, and we’d split it – usually it was like 1.5x what he would have given on his own. With an ex who’s sister’s wedding I went to, I got my own (small-ish) gift off the registry. Now that I’m engaged, we decide on an amount together and write a check out of our joint account
Post # 10
amanda1988 : I agree it seems a little gift grabby to invite someone you don’t know to your shower. Of course that may not have been their intent (maybe they were really good friends with your SO and want to get to know you better or something), but that’s definitely how it would come across to a lot of people. But I do agree with pp that if you actually go to the shower you should bring a gift.
Post # 11
If you go to the shower you should bring a gift.
If you are a unit then you would be giving the same gift, which would be based on budget and closeness to the couple. I don’t really see what difference it makes to say you are giving $50 and he is giving $50 vs you as a couple are giving $100.
If you aren’t a combined unit, then if it was a couple I didn’t know then I would expect that I was being taken to a wedding by him and he would cover the gift as he would cover the meal if he took me to a restaurant. (As I would if the situation was reversed.)
Post # 12
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
amanda1988 : My husband and I when dating would each cover eachother. So for my friend or family, I would give a gift from us both. If his friend or family, he would give a gift from us both. It worked well for us. Now that we’re married and have joined finances, wedding gifts come from our joint account. I always give a gift if I attend a shower whether it is someone I am personally friends with or related to or not. If I don’t attend a shower I was invited to, I only send a gift if it’s someone I am personally close with.
Post # 13
I’ve never attended a wedding as a random plus one. I was always in a relationship so any gift was given jointly. We don’t run in circles that subscribe to the cover your plate philosophy, so we would give what we felt comfortable with based on our financial status at the time and closeness to couple getting married. The monetary value has certainly changed from when we were poor college students to established career adults.
To the other part of your question, I think it is definitely gift grabby to invite a random plus one that the bride doesn’t know to a shower.
Post # 14
Traditionally, inviting a guest for a guest is always “by name” regardless of whether the couple knows you yet or not. The gift is the sole responsibility of the friend or relative. An exception might be if you also know the couple a bit socially and feel moved to give a little something on your own. But a random +1, no, never.
If the bride does not know the person very well, to the point that they are already good friends, too, she should not be invited to a shower. That’s meant for one’s nearest and dearest.
Post # 15
Depends what you and SO decide. When we were dating, we based it on our actual relationship. Clearly my friend? I covered both of our gift portions. Clearly his cousin? He covered. A mutual friend that was originally mine but that we double dated with frequently? We each paid our own portion.
Once we get married it won’t matter since we will combine all put money. We don’t have any weddings to attend between our engagement and our wedding.