(Closed) Do you guys ever feel bummed out when YOU are the pursuer?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3352 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

meh I think it’s nice for it to go the other way more often. women in general tend to feel entitled to the male doing all the chasing because of this …I don’t know what to call it … obligation? Conditioning?

Post # 4
17 posts

@Pixie79:  Occassionally.

I am not engaged though….and I’m sure I’d be more then slightly dissappointed if my engagement happened the way you described. However, I am a realist, and I know who I am dating. Whereas it is impractical (and unrealistic) for me to expect flowers, candelight, and Mr. Romance Extrodainaire to show up in the body of my beloved….it is not impossible for me to understand that this image of romance is something that the rest of the world has told me is “romance”. It is *not* necessarily romance…and certainly wouldn’t be “real romance” if my bf (who is as practical as they come) suddenly started displaying his affection in these ways.

In short: I think it’s realllllly important to find some way to keep resentment at bay when listening to the world’s version of romance and comparing it to your own. While it is true that I have my thoughts (ex: “um…did he just give me potholders for Valentine’s day?”), I AM able to quickly follow them with an explanation (ex: “…OOOH, he is tired of seeing my burnt hands and worrying about me hurting myself when I perform my favorite baking efforts.”).

See, it’s really about perspective. Can you be upset about this? Sure, of course. But — do you really want to?

In respects to your engagement….if you are feeling truly down about this, I definitely think you should drop a hint, like: “hey, hunny — I feel like we had a buisness transaction with our proposal…so, I was thinking that we can maybe head towards a romantic destination and have a bit of a romantic ‘we-just-took-care-of-buisness’ celebration with just you and me?”

The idea being here, that you have expressed your desires, have NOT taken the role of ‘pursuer’ again (I would regard this action as merely being the ‘suggester’), and given him a fair chance to take some of the reins here (I am assuming he plans the ‘celebration’ once you suggest it).

Hope that helps!





Post # 6
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.

I did a lot of chasing when we first started dating. From time to time it really gets to me. I think it’s all about finding a balance. I’m sorry that you’re bumming out, but try to remember why you wanted him to want to marry you in the first place! 

Mr. A is 8 years older than I am and I am quite sure that if he was one to do more “chasing”. Chances are he would have been married long before I came along. I have to remind myself that if I hadn’t done so much leg work early on I would have missed out on a really amazing guy.


Post # 7
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

We share the chase.  Sometimes it’s nice to show ’em how to get things done.

Post # 8
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think sharing the chase is ideal. I personally LOVE to be pursued. 

If you’re unhappy about it, maybe you can talk with your guy about it. Tell him that it would be nice to get tokens of his appreciation (flowers, random cute texts throughout the day, etc). Tell him you know he loves you, you just wish he’d show it more often.

Some guys just aren’t spontaneous and romantic by nature. Doesn’t mean they don’t love you!

Post # 9
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@allegrovivo:  I totally agree with this.

You should talk to your guy! Some guys (like my Fiance was when we met) just don’t understand how important that stuff is for us. They just love in different ways. 

Post # 10
27 posts
  • Wedding: July 2012

 Lol, I was definitely the pursurer!Wink  We decided to build a house together after 5 1/2 year of dating and 3 years of living together.  While we were still living in our holiday trailer I told him we needed to talk about some stuff before we moved into our house.   I explained to him that I wanted to be married before we move into our new home as a way of starting a new life together.  After about 15 minutes of talking, we decided to skip the engagement and get married the next year.  We broke the news to his parents later that day.  By the next morning half the town knew about it! 

 When it comes to surprises, I definitely do more for him.  I have bought him cool gifts(007 complete special edition set) while he is waayyy more practical(watercooler anyone?).  In the end though, I could care less about who does or gives more as long as he’s there to hold me as I fall asleep and kiss me good morning.

Post # 11
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Have you read the five love languages?  I know a lot of women in particular who had similar issues, and reading that book helped them – even more so if they got their partner to read it, too.  It’s helped me, as well.  I get frustrated because DH doesn’t do the types of things you described often.  And by not often, I mean MAYBE twice in the last 3 years.

But you know what he does do?  Stays up all night fixing my car or my computer because he knows I need it, even though he has to work at 7 the next day.  I learned that DH’s “love language” is acts of service – that’s how he shows love, and also how he percieves it.  Being able to narrow that down has helped me appreciate what he does do that shows his love, rather than focusing on what he doesn’t do.  On the other side, I realized that my primary love language is quality time – being able to lay that out in a concrete way has helped DH be able to respond to a specific request rather than something more vague.  It’s not perfect, we both still get a little frustrated sometimes, but it’s not as bad as it used to be, and it’s easier to move past when we do get frustrated.

I highly recommend reading it; it’s not a cure all, but it can definitely help.

Post # 12
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I know a girl who’s guy did one of those elaborately planned surprise proposals.  

My guy handed me my ring (that I mostly designed on my own with the jeweler) in the parking lot after we’d picked it up.  I’d broached the subject of marriage, told him that it was important to me and I did not want to wait.  I chased him down before we started dating.  We’re ridiculously happy and excited to be married.

The girl who had the magical proposal?  They broke up a few months before the wedding.  

The point is that a proposal is not a reflection of your relationship.  Don’t focus on that and compare it to others.  The issue is that you feel that things are not even in your relationship.  You need to work that out with him now–signing a marriage license and wearing a nice suit doesn’t change a man from one day to the next.  If this shit is bothering you now, it’s still going to be there after a wedding.  See a counselor or a religious adviser.  Premarital counseling is a good thing to do!  This helps you develop healthy expectations from each other and the wedding and the marriage–it gives you a solid base from which to build your marriage on.  If you let this inch between you sit there, soon it will be a foot and then it will be a mile and you’ll both be sad, unhappy and wondering what happened.

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