(Closed) Do you have a FI who ignores you in public?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Clearly he isn’t a guy who likes public displays of affection and I think you should respect that as long as he meets your need for affection in private.

I do however think it’s rude of him to just go off and ignore you at an event – he should include you in the conversation, especially if you don’t know many other people at the event.

I think you should have honest conversation about how all of this makes you feel.

Post # 4
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

He’s being rude. Its fine if he maybe he doesn’t like kissing or whatever in public, but holding your hand is seriously not going to kill him. And ignoring you is ridiculous. He needs to be more respectful and make an effort to alter his mood in public. At the least stand by your side. 

Post # 5
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I hate PDA but we are constantly exchanging glances and talking with one another when we are in public. I would never leave him alone and ignore him if we went somewhere together. I think that is incredibly rude and disrespectful.

It sounds like you have spoken with him about it, and it didn’t help. I would suggest speaking with him again about it, focusing on how it makes you feel, rather than what he is doing wrong. If that doesn’t help, you should take a hard look at your relationship. Is he proud of you? Does he act embarrased to be with you? Is he afraid others will judge him if he shows his love for you? There are many reasons he may act this way around you in public. Hopefully, speaking with him will work. If it doesn’t, I would suggest looking at your options, and whether you can deal with that kind of behavior your whole life.

 

Post # 6
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My ex husband used to do this.  It never got better, and it upset me more and more over the 15 years in total we were together.

The worst incident was on our wedding day.  We were stood outside the registry office after the ceremony, talking to our guests as they came out.  I looked around to see him walking across the road with his friends…our reception venue was about 200 yards down the road.  I waited 10 minutes…on my own…and he didn’t come back.  I had to walk into our wedding reception on my own.

My advice?  Only marry him if you are willing to put up with it for the rest of your life. 

Post # 7
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I dated a guy who did this.  He was super affectionate in private but would be a social butterfly in public.  I know you should respect his that he doesn’t like PDA but there has to be a middle ground somewhere.  I would talk to him again about and see if there is a compromise. i.e. He can go off and work the room as long as he looks up at you and gives you a wink or a nod to acknowledge you. 

My Darling Husband is an affectionate guy all around.  He likes to be near me most times.  And, when he is in a room full of friends/family, he always looks over to me and gives me a wink.  It’s cute. 

I agree with Stoppy321 and Sekhmet.  Is this behavior something you can deal with for the rest of your life? 

Post # 9
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Darling Husband doesn’t love PDA, but he’ll hold my hand or kiss me or whatever if I initiate it in public. If we’re with a big group of friends, he’s usually off talking to other people, and I’m talking to different people. So in that sense, he isn’t paying attention to me if we’re in a big group, but it doesn’t really bother me.

Post # 10
Member
8449 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m not a huge fan of PDA, so I hate it when my Fiance gets too grabby with me in public.  I don’t recoil or give him any dirty looks; I’ll simply grab one of his hands and just give it a firm squeeze, and he’ll back off without feeling hurt or rejected.  I think talking about boundaries and ways of silently communicating in public would really help you feel less rejected and him feel less awkward.  Best of luck.

Post # 11
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

I would have a huge problem with this. My SO and I are basically always connected physically and always have our attention on each other in public. We hold hands, kiss, hug, and have our arms around each other all the time. We’re both very social and have no trouble going off on our own in a social setting, but we’re always glancing across the room at each other.

I have dated guys who are standoffish in public and it has always been indicative of a larger problem. Either we were not compatible in general, in the bedroom or our backgrounds were too different (I come from a very loving family of parents married nearly 40 years). 

I agree that you must decide if you can deal with this for the rest of your life.

Post # 13
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@Sekhmet-My ex husband used to do this too, only he’d walk off without me or not hold my hand because he was too busy checking out other women. I guess that’s why the A-Hole is my EX husband!!

 

@OP- I understand some people not wanting to makeout in public (I’m one of them) but there isn’t anything wrong with hand holding or a little smile. It seems like he is ignoring you and that is just rude! I would tell him how bad this hurts your feelings and maybe try to hold back your affection in private so he gets a dose of his own medicine and let him see how it feels to get the shaft!

Post # 14
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@OP- You just said “He then tries to point out one of my flaws and asks me to change that” HELL NO. When you bring up an issue that he is doing that is upsetting you it is NOT his turn to point out one of your flaws! My ex husband used to do that and it NEVER got better, then everything was wrong with me, I did nothing right but he was perfect. I would seriously talk to him about this or a counselor (I’m not big on pushing counselling but if I had it BEFORE I got married, I would NOT have married that man and gotten divorced less than 2 years later). He is placing blame on you and the issue is him.

Post # 15
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Pixie79:  He wasn’t massively affectionate in private, but at least I was able to hug and kiss him.  

One occasion has always stuck with me…at the time, I wasn’t working, and his place of work was only 5 minutes away from my flat.  He often used to come around during his lunch hour, and being young, sometimes we’d have sex.  One time, I walked him back to work, and he wouldn’t even give me a hug, let alone a kiss, goodbye.  

I was so angry and upset I waited until he was a few paces away from me, and then yelled at the top of my lungs ‘Five minutes ago you had your dick in my mouth, and now you act like I don’t exist’… very immature, yes, but this was after years of provocation.

He used to get angry if I brought it up, he honestly didn’t see anything wrong in what he was (or wasn’t) doing.  To him, I was the one with the problem, and I expected too much from him.  He was right, we were just incompatible.  I’m only sorry I spent 15 years before I realised that. 

Post # 16
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Bazinga:  Totally agree

OP, the fact that he can’t accept your feelings without feeling the need to tell you your faults is ridiculous. You shouldn’t have to deal with this your whole life, or for the years before your divorce.

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