(Closed) Do you have a young adult child??? HELP!!!

posted 7 years ago in 40 Something
Post # 32
Member
5787 posts
Bee Keeper

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@LynnSnow:  I agree with this, and another thing that might help as well. My youngest was somewhat similar when she graduated, but she did work part time. What had the biggest impact on her was when all her friends who had gone away to college ,came home for Thanksgiving. She felt so jealous and out of place and even came home saying she felt like a loser. She registered for school within a week.

Time for some serious talking, Mom, and helping her to try and figure out if she has a life plan she doesn’t really know how to achieve.

Post # 33
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1841 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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@thumpurr:  I’m jumping in a little late in the game, but I was you about four years ago. DS had been told by me for YEARS that he must either have a job or be pursuing his education in order to have a place to live. When he stopped going to school, and I found out about it, he was asked to leave. No money, no car, nothing. It’s the toughest thing I’ve ever done, but he thanked me for doing it a couple of years ago. Said it was the jumpstart he needed to get his ass in gear.

 

Post # 34
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@LoggerHead91207:  Sorry, just saw your reply. That does sound like the best of both worlds. I’m across the country from my family so I definitely miss most events and holidays. I’d love to just drive over to my parents or any family. Sounds like you guys made a smart decision and everything worked out great 🙂

Post # 36
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Cornucopia St. Charles

i would give her a cut off time frame, like age 25, or whatever you and your husband agree that she should be out by.  insist on her paying her own bills including her cell phone.  Take her off your plans asap.  This will motivate her to get some sort of job even if it isn’t her dream job Or ne she went to school for.  Few of us get the job we went to school for.  Once she is working find out what she is making and have her give you a percentage, put half in an account and the other half into your home budget or put all in an account.  dont tell her about it let her think the money is going on the bills, she needs to grow up a bit.  Don’t run everytime she has a car breakdown, let her figure it out.  She is an adult even if you still see a child, but if you continue to treat her like your baby she wont ever grow up.  Once she reaches that magic age, inform her it is time for her to setup her own place.  Tell her you will assist in her move, and her down payment will cone from the money you saved for her.  She will not get it at 25 but it’s the best thing you can do for her.  Otherwise she will never find her way, never look for that special person to spend her life with, etc.  She will miss out on life if you continue to pamper her.

Post # 37
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2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@thumpurr:  My brother is 23 and has been in college for 5 years with no sign of a degree in sight. He doesn’t have a job, barely takes once class a semester, smokes weed and games all day and night in his room. This is not ok, yet my parents do nothing!… They say that there is nothing they can do. They can’t force him to do anything because he’s an adult. But they won’t force him to leave either.

It’s sick and I feel bad that my parents will always have to support his lazy ass.

Nothing will change unless my parents kick him out, and that will never happen. They are only hurting him but they don’t see it that way.

Post # 38
Member
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t have young adult kids, but I’m one of 5 kids and had a niece and nephew grow up in our house. My dad started charging us 15% of our income when we got a job/babysitting.  He would pay for college as long as you got the grades he wanted you to, (including my niece and nephew that lived with us) if not you had to drop out and get a job or don’t come home.  If you didn’t pay rent or weren’t in college, then he changed locks, took you off car insurance(if you were on there) and no food or Christmas/Birthday presents.  The only ones that had issues were the oldest brother, who even the military tossed out, and my niece, they both think they are “Special Snowflakes”.  

She may just have it too good at home and that’s why she isn’t doing the next step in life.

Post # 39
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838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

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@thumpurr:  I’m the mother of 3boys, 1 a police officer, 1 in college and an 11 year old, and although a lot of the responders are children themselves, I have to say that I agree with the one other mother that posted that said your problem started when you expected very little of her. Kids these days are these self entitled beings that enjoy teetering between dependent and independent. They want to be an adult when it suits them (sex, college, boyfriends, fiances, weddings, children, no curfews) but they want very little of the responsibility that comes with it (living on your own, supporting yourself and paying for your own crap). 

She’s not taking you seriously, so perhaps it’s time to put your foot down. PUT. HER. OUT. Don’t threaten to do it, DO IT. If/when she HAS to do for herself, she’ll do it, but for right now, mom is just talking and she knows you have no intention of putting your money where your mouth is. It’s winter and it’s cold outside? Well yes it is. She also knows that and it would behoove her to make sure she doesn’t bite the hand that literally feeds her. Hopefully you’ve raised her to know the basics about life (go to work, earn what you want, keep your space clean, pay your bills).

I was raised by parents that didn’t believe in making empty threats. If they said it, they did it. It’s the follow through that made us listen. When I was raising my kids, it was the same thing. The follow through. My oldest made me have to follow through. He stumbled a little, but he eventually found himself in the police academy, is doing well and is a homeowner, just got married and has his own son. Unfortunately at 19, he also decided that he wanted to take a break from life and didn’t believe me when I said adults don’t get breaks so one day he came home to find the locks changed.

You did your job, now let her do hers.

Post # 40
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2000

Has anyone offered that she might be extremely frightened or experienceing anxiety that is not being treated or acknowledged or dealt with? It may not be a case of anyone being a lazy mooch, which seems to be everyone’s assumption.

Post # 41
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

This was my sister about a year ago. She graduated college, moved back home and then did pretty much nothing for months. Part of the problem was that she is the youngest, somewhat coddled b/c our mom died when she was ten, and she’s very insecure and dependent. She had no clue what she wanted to do, didn’t feel a calling to any carreer or grad program, didn’t have confidence to interview… it was sad.

I’d start slowly, but firmly. Meet with your daughter and see what her plans for progress are. Give her some deadlines and some ideas of how to research. Stick to the deadlines. Eventually, cut off the phone. Then start some of that drastic stuff. I think 4 months is a pretty short time in some ways, but your daughter SHOULD be at least starting to look for jobs. If she refuses to be proactive, THEN start the drastic measures suggested above.

Well, this didn’t fly with stepmonster mom. They set up weekly “meetings” to see what progress my sister had made in finding a path: grad school or work. They stpped paying her phone bill. My middle and very bossy sister also demanded that youngest sister start sending her a daily agenda that showed how many hours she spent researching jobs/grad programs. None of this really helped my sister.

 

Eventually my stepmom and dad explained that my sister had until February to move out, and that until then they would be charging her 600$rent (by this time she had figured out some part-time jobs, hostessing and ice cream shop). If she beat the deadline, they’d give her all the money back. She did it! She is MUCH happier now.

 

Post # 42
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

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@thumpurr:  I’m going to suggest she might have an extreme fear of anything new. My brother is like this. He is 28 this year and while he has a degree is not working in that field. He pays his own medical aid and petrol but doesn’t contribute rent and for food. Fair enough my parents have never flat out asked him to. My brother is scared of change and has struggled to find a better job because of it. Maybe try a nice chat, take her out for coffee… Help her with her cv or chat to her about what she wants to do in the future, help her decide what she wants to study…

I know the situation is frustrating… It is for my mom as well but if my mom has leaarnt one thing yelling and come to Jesus talks dont work. Either kickher out or try help her. If she wont accept your help then kick her out

Post # 43
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015


Your daughter sounds like she’s had it easy for too long. Just some background: I was told to get a job the day I turned 16 (and I did); had to quit my only “hobby,” soccer, after 9 years in order to work; and I was told community college/living at home was not an option for me. The only slack I was given: If I attended a 4-year university immediately after HS graduation, I could have my freshman year to adjust to college without having to find a job in my new town immediately. That was enough incentive for me to move out of my Mom’s house. I did not have a car until I turned 19, during my second year of college (it was a 16-year-old car, by the way, and college was 3 hours from home).

I think you need to start small now by cutting off the things you know are important to her. Maybe start with the Wifi password, then her car, then her phone. Tell her that if she does not get a job within one month, you will continue to take things away. 

Honestly, it’s unfortunate for everyone involved that she’s so inconsiderate and entitled. While I truly do feel sorry you have to handle this, I have to say, it seems it might be partially your own doing for not taking action earlier in her teens. My point in saying that is not to make you feel bad about yourself but to raise the issue that it sounds like your daughter is well aware you have not been strict enough with her. It’s important that she takes you seriously and respects you enough to take the necessary steps in becoming more independent.  

So, moving forward: as you have these tough conversations, remind yourself that you love her and are doing it for her sake. I would be very clear with her that you recognize that you’ve let her off easy thus far, but that you’ve had enough. If you blatantly acknowledge your role in allowing her to live without responsibilities of her own, I think it will come across as more of a turning point for both of you. If she truly thinks you’re ready to hold her accountable, she might take your requests more seriously, as they are no longer threats, but reality. 

Best of luck to you, OP!  

 

Post # 44
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@thumpurr:  I hope I can offer a bit of insight for you. My father is like you–hard worker, raised 2 kids, and one of them absolutely takes advantage of his kindness (my brother). My brother has been hitting up our dad for anything from money, cigarettes, a vehicle to drive (even when he didn’t have a regular license), a place to do laundry, bum some drinks, food, etc.

My brother is going to be 40 years old this year, and Dad still doesn’t say no to him, despite being so broke he can barely pay his own bills. Dad actually admitted to having felt guilty for not being able to send me money (for Christmas), because he’s spent so much on my brother, and my brother doesn’t even appreciate it. I told my dad that his own health and wellbeing was more important than sending money anyways.

Basically, you are doing more harm than good by not giving your youngest a kick in the rear NOW, before she ends up 40 years old and making you broke, resentful, and angry.

If your daughter has refused to do any of the suggested things (which are perfectly reasonable), then you must follow through with your original plan to have her vacate the premises. She may hate you, resent you, and possibly become verbally/emotionally abusive, but it’s for her own good. Show her that you are NOT to be taken advantage of any more. Please don’t end up like my dad. *Hugs*

Post # 45
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

My parents were on my case for the 6 months after I graduated University and went back to living with them. I had a part-time job and was looking for a second part-time job or full-time work on top of the part-time job that I worked in the evenings, but there simply weren’t jobs available in my area. I must’ve applied to over 300 jobs in retail, food, and offices, as well as places like the local gym and nannying. Whenever I wasn’t out on foot applying for work since I couldn’t afford to drive my car (that I bought myself 2 years previously), I was on my computer applying for work online. I didn’t go out with my friends, partly because I worked most evenings until 10pm, but mostly because whatever money I made went towards my cellphone, car, and student loan.

To be perfectly honest, I did not want to be living with my parents. I appreciate the fact that I am able to live with them free of charge, and they knew that. I also did plenty of chores around the house that I never had to do as a teenager (making dinner, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning bathrooms, etc.). My parents were still constantly on my case about the fact that I wasn’t working full time though, and this was horrible for me because I was making an honest effort to find more work and help out around the house.

I would like to point out to some Bees that it is absolutely a different world today than it was when our parents were children. Our parents never had to pay phone bills or internet bills. Their student loans were not upwards of 40K, and that’s with a part-time job through University. More and more young adults now live at home after University, not because they want to, but because they simply cannot afford to live anywhere else. I would have happily told my parents “thanks, but no thanks” if I could’ve lived somewhere else and paid my own way. But with all of the payments that I needed to make and an option to live somewhere rent-free, I moved back home instead of living with SO or a couple of roommates. I’d also like to point out how hard it is for a 20-something person to tell older adults that they have moved back in with Mommy and Daddy. It absolutely affects the respect you have for yourself and makes you feel worthless, like you cannot support yourself as an adult and will always need your parents to bail you out. Feeling like a failure often comes at this age, especially in an economy where there are no jobs available.

Some of the “consequences” that are being suggested for OP’s daughter are simply outrageous. Why on earth would you hide the laundry detergent when you are living in the same house? That is teaching your child to waste money, because it is not necessary to have two of the same thing. Not allowing her to use the internet, her own cellphone, or the television all day? Again, ridiculous. Living in today’s world without any access to technology is a detriment, especially to someone fresh out of high school who needs to find a career. Actively helping her find a job would be a better solution than removing any kind of fun in her life. Removing fun will simply make her less motivated than she already is – who gets motivated and willing to work for things when they are constantly shown that there is nothing to look forward to? Also, I can absolutely see the mother-daughter relationship going incredibly sour if the adult daughter has zero priveleges in a place she is supposed to call home.

Post # 46
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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@thumpurr:  I was in the same position as your daughter just recently. I graduated with a diploma (that’s halfway to a degree around these parts), and refused to be my guarantor for my student loan, so I can’t get one. So I had to get a job. To make sure I actually got one, I was cut off from all sources of money & I had to pay all my bills myself or risk having my phone line cut off & no food to eat. Of course, my grandmother & Fiance made sure I had food. Haha. But typically, that should be enough to get her ass moving. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have savings either at that age. Once she gets desperate enough to go out with her friends or buy something, she’ll get her butt moving & find a job. Just make sure she has access to the internet & a phone line & she can apply from there.

I have to say though, what other bees are saying about anxiety may not be far off the mark. I do have a small anxiety issue which makes it rather challenging to go to work on a daily basis. I get so paranoid that I’m going to be laid off or scolded at any moment & sometimes freak out when the phone rings. I’m even starting to avoid my cell phone because I’m afraid something went wrong with my work & there was a huge mix up etc. But either way, it doesn’t mean she should mooch off you (though I certainly wish I could mooch off my mum). LOL

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