- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
As I’m getting closer to my wedding date I’m getting to a point where I’m ready to just give some people a one finger salute.
This is especially true when people have been trying to pressure me about letting my father walk me down the aisle.
My father has always been in my life physically and financially since he and my mother have been together for over 45 years, but emotionally he’s been a terror and controlling bastard.
As a young teen having emotional issues with his “training” and contemplating suicide, he set me down at the kitchen table and told me it’s your mothers job to make you want to stay and my job to make you want to leave.
When I came home after being raped on a date in my late teens, he told me “when you lay down with dogs you get fleas”. That’s it.
And things just get worse from there… I spent the majority of my childhood being told that I wasn’t good enough, and called fat and stupid. Even as an adult, he still challenges my intelligence and competency and activity seeks out any way he can to put down and control me.
The only reason he’s still in my life is because of my love for my mother. I’ve made it known that when my mother dies, he’s has no place in my life.
I have two older siblings but because I was the baby I spent 7 years alone in the household. My sister says he was worse but at least she had my brother for most of it.
Back to the wedding, some of the people pressuring me don’t know anything about it because after all these are family secrets and the emotional abuse couldn’t have been that bad if the cops were never called for me and you are “high functioning” with a six figure salary, two degrees and otherwise outwardly successful. Too bad they don’t know I’ve been in therapy since my early twenties, medicated, hospitalized, several suicide attempts and overall an emotionally wreck.
But the ones that really bother me are the ones who definitive knew what was going on and happened then and now. And being raised Roman Catholic and Christian they are quick to throw out forgiveness, honoring your mother and father, and as that my father is getting older 70s and this is his last chance to attend any of his kids’ weddings or walk a daughter down the aisle.
I am angry and there’s no amount of therapy or medication that can change that.
I really don’t give a —- if he attends or doesn’t and he’s not walking me down the aisle. He lost that privilege with everything he’s put me through. And as I told my mom if his drama results in her being late to the wedding then she just missed it. I’m over trying to keep up the appearance of being a happy and well adjusted family.