Post # 1
Do you and Fiance have horrible screaming fights? Has it happened in the past and gotten better? Does it happen every once in a while? Never?
What happens afterwards?
I ask because Fiance and I have had a few in the last couple of months. I am not really a screamer/yeller but I have felt myself so angry during the last 3 fights. He, on the other hand, has always been more emotional during fights than me. I am sure it is stress related but there are issues that we plan to address in counseling.
I’m just wondering if the occasional bad fight is normal. I NEVER saw my parents fight. Not a raised voice or anything. I guess I am just not used to this.
Post # 3
Rarely. We never go ballistic and scream our heads off, but we can be really angry at each other. It happens. No one is perfect. Most of the time we just bicker about stupid things.
Post # 4
Okay some people may disagree but IMO, yes, an occasional bad fight is normal. Some couples can go forever without arguing, it just depends on the person and how they handle anger. Also, the occasional argument can be healthy, if it helps get issues resolved. Darling Husband and I have come a long way because he has some deep-seeded anger issues he inherited from both parents, but we’re working on it. You may not like to hear it but I would suggest a counselor just to work out how to “fight fair” because even after a few sessions, it could help. For us, it took a year of living together to know what pushes eachother’s buttons, etc. If you guys have a great relationship besides the occasional “bad fight” then you’re fine. However, if this is a deeper issue, you may need to get to the root of it!
ETA: I don’t necessarily mean screaming fights, Idk that we’ve ever gotten into one of those. I just mean a “big fight” where we both get very angry. And by occasional I mean every couple months, at most! But I still think a few arguments are normal, and just bc your parents never did doesn’t mean you won’t because as I said, every couple is different!
Post # 5
Neither of us are screamers. We’re much more of the passively agressive, sharp words kind. Its not often that we get really angry at each other. We’re fortunate that we both feel pretty comfortable nipping things in the bud and saying “Hold up. I don’t like what you just said/did/didn’t do/didn’t say. Here’s why I feel that way.”
Post # 6
@jjilyeah: never yelled, but I’m not a confrontational person and SO would just shut down if I did, so we try to talk things out calmly but if we get angry we both tend to get quiet and then when we calm down we discuss our issues and work it out.
Post # 7
We used to but we’ve learned how to work things out better between us. We’ve also learned what really sets the other person off, so we exercise self-control to just not go there. It took a while but we eventually figured out a system that works for us, allowing both of us to cool off (**in our own ways**) so that we don’t escalate into a full-blown fight.
For example, I used to want to work something out right away, immediately discuss something or try to get my SO to see my point of view. When something comes up, my SO likes to take a little while of no talking to sort of chill out and think over the issue. Obviously you can see why this would lead to a clash — there I was trying to get him to talk when he didn’t want to. And then because I kept pushing him to discuss it he would clam right up or blow up and then I would blow up. So now I give him some space, shut my mouth and wait for him to be ready to talk. It works out a lot better for us.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
We have a raised voice fight about once a year (never any namecalling or nastiness, just raised voices and upsetness). I hate them soo much, and we’re definitely getting better at fighting. I learned to give Mr. LK his space when he is upset, and he has learned how to comfort and calm me when I am on the edge of a meltdown. We’ve also learned a lot about how to prevent things from boiling over in the first place because we speak up about things and deal with them early so that they don’t have a chance to turn into blow-ups later.
Post # 9
@MapleMoose: Are we in the same relationship?? =]
Post # 10
Yes, we do. Not all the time, but they do happen. I have been known to grab my coat and walk around the block to calm down. Once we hit the shouting stage both of us realize it’s gone too far, we need to go to our separate corners and calm down. Then we regroup, and it always starts with “First off, I’m sorry” and a hug.
Once you push me too far, I need distance or I feel like a caged tiger, and my husband doesn’t like to let things drop. So that’s definitely something we’re both trying to work on because I tend to shut down very quickly. Once I go quiet, he knows it’s time to let it go and leave me alone until I’m calm.
Post # 11
I don’t really know exactly what you consider a “bad fight” but I said sometimes. We never scream at each other, ever. Occassionally if my husband gets REALLY upset he’ll raise his voice to say something like “fine!” or “leave me alone!” or something. But we don’t just sit there and yell. Also, we make a point to never name-call or swear at each other.
I would say maybe once every once every 3-4 months we’ll get into what I consider a “bad” fight which means that we’re both upset at each other and it takes more than 10 minutes to talk it out. But, we ALWAYS talk it out and I can’t ever remember a fight I’ve had with him where I didn’t feel better about things once we were done.
I think that is something that really struck me as different about this relationship as opposed to ones I’ve had in the past. In other relationships we would fight and nothing ever really got solved it didn’t seem like, we just got tired of fighting and gave up without solving the problem.
With my husband, we always come to a solution and walk away from things feeling better.
Post # 12
In the 2 years we have been together, we have had 2 fights and they were both resolved quickly. There was one other time that I got upset with him and gave him the silent treatment for a day or so LOL but other than that, we don’t fight. My ex and I fought loud, long and regularly. I don’t miss those days at all.
Post # 13
We almost never fight. Actually, I can’t even remember the last time that we did. We bicker like it’s our job but we’ve never (in almost 7 years of being together) had a screaming match. A lot of it has to do with Darling Husband. He’s very laid back and doesn’t let things bother him. I, on the other hand, am full of rage if something pisses me off. Thankfully he hardly ever upsets me to the point where I feel the need to yell.
Post # 14
We have never really had a fight where we are yelling at each other but I almost never yell at anyone no matter how mad I am. We have had a couple realllllly bad fights in the past but it has been years since we had a bad one. We agrue every now and then but it never lasts long. I don’t stay mad long.
Post # 15
We have to occasional fights… and Fiance is a little on the hot tempered side and I tend to instantly cry so a combination of those two things can make a situation escalate fairly quickly.
We have a method we use, once the argument is in full swing we separate ( sometimes for a few minutes and sometimes for a few hours) and then talk it out later when we ( mainly he) are COMPLETELY calm and level headed, otherwise it can get out of control.
It is hard for people who have two different fighting styles to come to an agreement ( he likes to cool down, I like to talk it out right then and resolve it), but we have had to learn to do a little of both in order for both of us to feel like progress is being made.
Post # 16
Fiance is super laid back. I don’t even think he knows how to yell. We’ve never had a screaming match simply because we have other ways of dealing with disagreements. I grew up with my parents screaming at each other over every little thing so I try to avoid that type of confrontation as much as possible because it still gives me anxiety to this day when I hear them argue. I want to build good habits now so that when we have kids we’re not doing that in front of them.
I don’t think it’s abnormal, just not something we do.