Post # 16
If I were you I would 1) talk to the other girls in your group and say that it was super generous that everyone helped her out when she has no job but that now she was employed again and she is now expected to pay. Get those girls on the same page. Then 2) pull your friend aside from the group and just be real with her. ” hey, we are so glad to see your new job and we’re happy to support you when you went through that hard time with no job but now that you have one again it is expected that you pay your share. Last time you didn’t want to put in your share saying you wouldn’t have any food but then you did eat. Next time please don’t put us all in that position again. It makes us feel taken advantage of”
OR for step 2) be clear when you are out that everyone owes x amount for their share like you did before. If she pays up great. If she says she won’t have any that is fine. But when she helps herself to a slice or a beer you just say, hey (her name) I thought you weren’t going to have any. If you want some that is great! But Then you need to give ( name of girl who paid for the pizza) 20 bucks. Hopefully that will be embarrassing to her and she won’t do it again. Keep your voice nice and friendly and smile while saying it.
if she keeps doing it no matter what you say to her you might need to get tough and just say privately to her, look everyone sees you not paying your share and I’ll be honest with you, if you keep it up everyone is going to invite you to things a lot less often. If you want to be included in activities with the group you need to pay your share so that we don’t feel taken advantage of.
Post # 17
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
I would bring it up with her and be upfront. I would tell her how the whole group feels so she doesn’t just think it’s you. I’ve had friends like this and sometimes they just need to be called out on their bullsh*t and then they give in and start paying.
Post # 18
Do you usually have a problem speaking up when it comes to money? (Your sister, this friend ). Be upfront and honest with her like pp said.
Post # 19
It’s not petty of you to be irked, I would be furious (money matters are quite serious to me). Let her know that you and your friends are not going to fund her lifestyle anymore and that she is expected to pay for her own crap going forward, like any other adult. If she throws a fit, cut her loose and count your losses, if she reacts badly you know she was just taking advantage of you. Freeloaders are the worst.
Post # 20
What an effen user playing the pity card, “I just won’t eat” (ie “poor me” a victim…). I would have called her out right there given what she is posting she is buying! I would let her sit there and not eat too! I would do as mrssb said above cuz I bet the others are thinking the same thing. Agreed with sparlyglitterbee above, cut her lose if she continues that shit. *I* would NOT be pitching in/funding her anymore. At this point she’s just being greedy expecting others to pay for her company….
I can’t stand a selfish user….
Post # 21
“always make you pay” — Nobody can make you pay for them. It was very kind and generous of you and your friends to cover her while things were tough, but if you continue paying now that she can afford it again, that’s on you. I don’t blame you for starting to feel used and resentful, and wishing she had the common decency to say “thanks so much you guys, I’m good now!” But clearly she doesn’t, so you’re going to have to say somthing. And by “you” I mean plural you, you and the other friends. (ETA: I don’t mean approach her as a group and publically embarass her, I mean you should get on the same page, maybe one of you talk to her privately, and then all stick to the plan when the time comes.)
Maybe you can frame it as “We love you and were fine covering your share when you were struggling. Now that you’re back to work and have more fun money, is there some reason why you still need us to pay your way?” And I would phrase it as “pay your way” rather than softening it up. Then before inviting her anywhere, ask her flat out in advance “Everyone needs to pay their own way, will that be a problem?” If she says no problem cool, she’s invited. If she says it’s a problem, you as a group can decide to do something cheaper or tell her you’ll miss her this time, hope she can join next time.
Post # 22
I can’t understand why anyone would *want* to be friends with a mooch because that’s what she is now. Plus, no one can “make” you pay for them….
Don’t be surprised if this entitled parasite suddenly dumps all you “mean” girls if/once it becomes clear she will no longer be taken care of…
Post # 23
Thanks Bees for your responses. Looks like there are more mooches in the world!
I noticed a pattern where you all “had” a friend, like it was past tense.
Honestly if it came down to her paying her own way and losing her, I think I would rather just pay – it’s not a huge amount of money and I do love her dearly. It’s a really odd juxtaposition: before she lost her job this was never an issue, and in fact when it came to birthdays etc, she was quite generous. Since losing her job, going a good few years living below the poverty line, it’s like that generosity she was bought up with is a candle she can’t relight. It can be tough to break that mentality, I totally get that.
I hate hate hate talking about money. Like hate it. And I have a guilt about the financial position Darling Husband and I are in because we do have a good amount of money coming in and so if someone’s in need, I am always the first person to help out. I know what it’s like – we have been shit broke before (only a few years ago) and understand completely.
Next time we’re together I might just have a chat to her – not in front of everyone, but just a side-bar to see where everything is at. She could be buying all these things on credit, and be in a worse position than being unemployed – I don’t know. I hope not.
Post # 24
“It can be tough to break that mentality” — I would agree if not for her recent splurges. If she’s comfortable buying herself expensive handbags again, she can get comfortable paying for her own pizza again. You’re not asking her to buy you guys’s, just pay for her damn self. If she’s buying the purses etc on credit, that’s less reason to enable her, not more.
Plus, look at it this way: the resentment is only going to grow. You are not suddenly going to be ok with carrying her ass when she is perfectly able to but just chooses not to. By stopping the gravy train, you are protecting the friendship. You say you’d rather just pay, but eventually you’re going to get sick of it and by that time, it might be too late to salvage the relationship.
I hope you talk to her and that she sees the truth of what you’re saying.
Post # 25
That’s the worst, I’m sorry bee. I had a friend like that too that would never pay and I eventually ended the friendship because of many other reasons
Post # 26
sbl99 : “it’s like that generosity she was bought up with is a candle she can’t relight.”
But this isn’t a matter of her being generous or not — it’s a matter of her paying for HERSELF. That’s not generosity as such; that’s just being a financially-responsible, working adult.
Post # 27
sbl99 : so shes perfectly ok treating herself to expensive things but if *you* want the pleasure of her company, you’re gonna to do the paying for that…. Yeah nooooooo, you’re foolish if you ,*continue* to fund her fun now. Don’t you see it? She’s selfish, doesn’t give a f—- about *your* finances. She takes your generosity as her due….she *knows* if she protests just a little, presents as a poor victim, says she won’t eat etc, (lol) her benefactors (lol ) will step up…. because you always have. Start watching her behavior more and you will see the pattern.
Post # 28
I wouldn’t bother discussing the past but I would address this in the present and future. When you plan to go out with friends call her up before hand and say something like this, “we are meeting the group to go out for pizza and drinks. All of us are trying to save money right now. So we decided to chip in $25 each for the night. We are going to chip in when we arrive at the restaurant.” Can you join us? Then go silent and see what she says. Do not cave and offer to pay for anything. If she says no, then offer to do something free with her another time like walking through the mall or a park. She will get the subtle message without a confrontation. You have to cut the cord sooner or later.
Post # 29
Maybe she really did not want to eat the food? I don’t really like potlucks at work and people try to get me to pay a large amount, and I will just opt out. I’m not looking for someone to pay for me, I just don’t want to participate and would rather spend that money elsewhere. And I won’t eat anything.
If she says “that’s okay” let her stay out of it. But I hope she has the decency to not eat anything then.
Honestly though if she still ate everything without contributing fairly that would piss me off. I wouldn’t invite her anymore.
Post # 30
mrswin : op said her friend was excited and happy with having this food UNTIL she heard everyone had to pony up their share of the money for it….THEN she said she wouldn’t eat. However she ate anyway….
This is her pattern apparently, she’s a selfish mooch and people are foolish enough to pay for her. When they finally get fed up and stop paying, I predict said friend will suddenly be unable/unavailable to hang out….