Post # 1
My dad remarried about 15 years ago to a lovely lady named “Lily”, who has 2 sons. We were all adults when we met so we never lived together or really felt like step-siblings, but they were part of our blended family. Recently, Lily had some kind of falling out with her younger son, Pierre. I don’t know what happened but he and his wife have stopped coming (or being invited to?) any family events, so we haven’t seen them in a year or two. My dad has said he doesn’t think I should invite them to my upcoming wedding, specifically mentioning how Pierre “ruined” my younger sister’s wedding for Lily. Pierre had been invited to but didn’t attend my sister’s wedding; I wasn’t aware that any drama had happened at the time, since we did see him and his family after that and everything seemed pretty normal. My fiance and I both like and get along with Pierre but we don’t really have our own relationship with him outside of the family connection – we wouldn’t be inviting him if he wasn’t Lily’s son. So on one hand, if my dad and Lily prefer that he not come, then there’s no real reason to invite him. On the other hand, it feels rude to invite Lily’s other son but not Pierre, when my fiance and I are not the ones who have a problem with him. Do we just invite him anyway and assume he won’t come?
Post # 2
I didn’t invite one of my mom’s brothers and his family because she has had a falling out with him. I wasn’t close to him, didn’t feel like I had a relationship with him to worry about so I figured my mom’s feelings/comfort were more important than him potentially being mad at me since we don’t talk anyway.
I don’t think you should ever invite someone you don’t truly want there because sometimes people surprise you and end up coming when you never thought they would.
Post # 3
I guess you shouldn’t invite him. It doesn’t matter that you are inviting his brother, that isn’t necessarily the way it works.
Post # 4
I’m wondering if your dad is being dramatic because I’m not sure how Pierre could have “ruined” a wedding he didn’t even attend? I think it’s hard to say unless you know the source of their rift. Did Pierre do something egregious?
Post # 5
eeniebeans : I have no idea! I think maybe he was having a fight with his brother, and that’s why he didn’t come to the wedding? And maybe his mom was upset because her sons weren’t getting along? I really don’t know, I didn’t even realize that anything dramatic was happening at the time.
Post # 6
littlebeans : What’s the likelihood that your dad will take his wife’s side if you choose to invite your stepbrother? Would you rather face Lily or Pierre? Also consider that you might be choosing between your dad and Pierre. 15 years is a solid amount of time to be together and if all of you were adults when they married, you’re not privy to how close they are as a couple. I would not upset my stepmom because I know my dad would side with her unless she was blatantly wrong.
Post # 7
downonmulberry : Oh, the likelihood that my dad will take Lily’s side is 100%. He has already told me that they both prefer that I don’t invite him. The only reason I am considering inviting him is because I’m pretty sure he won’t actually attend, so then we still get to avoid the drama but without me feeling like I’m the one causing the drama by not inviting him. Basically, I want it to be their issue and leave me out of it. What if they patch things up and then I’m the one who was rude for not inviting him?
Post # 8
If this were my situation, I would invite them and tell my dad/step mom that I don’t want to be in the middle of their drama. Since you don’t know what caused this rift, I would just treat everyone as an adult. If they want to come, they can, if they want to decline, they can. But (imo) it’s not my/your place to judge what happened and take sides over something you have no idea about.
Post # 9
I didn’t invite one of my dad’s brothers. He had unfortunately been having mental health issues that he was refusing to get help about. This lead to him frequently calling my dad and his other siblings, cursing them out, threatening to fight them (you know really classy stuff like that). My dad was very adament about him not being invited, and I wasn’t very close to him anyway, so it didn’t bother me. My dad was worried he would cause a scene. He has thankfully gotten the help he needs and has apologized for his behavior in the past, but they still aren’t very close.
Post # 10
Never make someone else’s problems your own. My father’s side of the family loves to do this, I think it’s asinine. Invite who you want to invite, let the chips fall where they may. It’s not your problem that some people don’t get along – it’s theirs, let them deal with it, not you.
Post # 11
Meh, since you have no real relationship with Pierre yourself outside of Lily, who is now estranged from him, I probably wouldn’t invite him. It doesn’t seem worth the drama.
Post # 12
I didn’t invite 2 of my uncles. They have done some not so great things, and I chose not to put everyone in an uncomfortable situation
Post # 13
I would invite him. The issue isn’t between the two of you and I wouldnt take sides. If the rift is that big he won’t come or Lilly will tell him not to come. The two of them can work that out. I would assume the two of them will at some point patch this up, especially if it was something like her being mad he was fighting with his brother.
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
littlebeans : I don’t think it’s fair for your dad to put you in the middle of issues he and his wife clearly have with Pierre. (Granted, I don’t know the nature or magnitude of the issues). If he was like an abuser or something then I’d say no, don’t invite. But please know it’s totally your choice to invite him or not- if you have a good relationship with him and want to invite him, they need to act like adults and learn to coexist at your wedding. If they can’t put their issues aside for one freaking day to celebrate your marriage, then it should tell you a lot about their maturity levels. My mom and dad are divorced but still came together for my wedding day and even took portraits with both of them with me
Post # 15
littlebeans : Yeah you don’t want either outcome to come back on you – he shows up when you didn’t plan on it, or they patch things up and you feel like a dick for not inviting him. I don’t have any advice but I hope it works out for you as well as it can. I hope everyone remembers this is your day.