Do you know anyone dating over 15 years but not married?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 31
1970 posts
Buzzing bee

So now that he lost his housing, after 15 years of rejecting your proposals to move in together and discuss a future together, he suddenly wants to move in with you lol. Now that he is homeless he suddenly thinks it’s a great idea to move in together!

He didn’t care about your feelings of pain and rejection for *well over a decade.* He only cares now because he has something to gain from you. What does that tell you? 

Why would he not want to live with you for 15 years? And now suddenly it doesn’t sound so bad? Oh yeah- because he’s desperate and has no other options. How insulting to you! 

I think you need to see the situation for what it is: this is a relationship of convenience for him. He has no interest in you and he doesn’t love you.

Now that he is suddenly in dire straits, he likes what you can do for him  and he is showing you interest and you are so starved for love and affection that you are mistaking these crumbs for anything other than that-crumbs.

He is 100% using you. For 15 years he has rejected you. He is only looking at you now because he sees an opportunity to use you for what he needs- housing. Nothing more.

Do not let him move in with you. You are getting literally nothing out of this “relationship”- there is no love here. He’s not serious about you. He doesn’t even want to live with you, let alone marry you. And he never would have moved in with you- he’s only considering it now because it’s better than homelessness 

Please want better for yourself. You can’t even consider this a serious relationship

Post # 32
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

You are a whole person who wants and deserves to be loved. You are complete and you are invaluable. 

What you are NOT is a meal ticket. You are not a landlord. You are not a solution.

Do you really want to get saddled with a ROOMMATE whom you have for whatever reason convinced yourself you love, who doesn’t love you enough to even try to compromise until it suddenly suits them? Really? You think that’s the best offer you could possibly get???

Bullshit. I don’t. You can and should want better, and you can and should get better than this sorry excuse of a man. Dump him. Go find your happiness. Get into therapy and learn your worth.

You are not the answer to someone’s PROBLEMS, you are the answer to someone’s PRAYERS.

Post # 33
7305 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

One of my closest friends has been in a relationship for over 20 years without marriage, but that is because she doesn’t want to get married.

But to answer your ACTUAL question- NO, absolutely do NOT let your boyfriend become a cocklodger and financial burden to you now that his finances are in a challenging place and he lost his home. That’s a concern for a wife to have; he explicitly did not want YOU to be his wife (or even his live in girlfriend). I would tell him “You wanted your freedom. Freedom comes with responsibility.”

He sounds like a shit boyfriend, OP. You should dump him. You can love someone and wish them well and still be crystal clear that their presence in your life is detrimental to you and that you want and deserve better.

As a matter of fact, in your place, I’d be pissed at his manipulation and selfishness and the fact that you KNOW he would not have let you move in under these same circumstances had the roles been reversed.

Post # 34
6938 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I know two couples in the “dating over 15 years but not married” camp that are very happy together. One couple lives together and the other does not (the latter has been together over 30 years and are in their 60s). The difference between these couples and the relationship you’re describing is that this was all part of a MUTUAL DECISION. Everyone in the relationship is happy with the way things are. This was what everyone decided, together, that they wanted and was best for them as a couple. No one has spent the better part of 10 years crying about how the other person wouldn’t marry them or wouldn’t move in with them. 

Instead, it sounds like you truly wanted what most would describe as a normal relationship progression with moving in together and marriage happening a while ago and your boyfriend turned you down time and time again. But instead of leaving him, you resigned yourself to feeling that this was how it had to be and now you’re used to your relationship the way it is and you like your independence. Maybe for the last few years things were going okay and you thought this relationship had gotten back to a good place, but with his 180 turn and asking to move in now, when it’s OBVIOUS that the only reason he’s doing this is because he’s basically out of other options, it’s brought to the surface all this underlying anger and resentment which, frankly, you are perfectly understandable in feeling. 

I would not let him move in. And it’s not because you’re trying to punish him for these last 15 years. It’s because you’ve finally realized your own self worth and it’s sooooo much more than he’s been giving you! 

Post # 35
1047 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like this has brought deep feelings out of you that you didn’t know were there. For the record, you have every right to feel a little “bitter” for lack of a better word), so don’t feel guilty about anything. I feel like this is a defining moment for the relationship. Me, I would have been done 13 years ago. But please stay true to yourself and do what you want, not what he guilts you into. (And in my opinion this is all about convenience as you said.)

Post # 36
19 posts
  • Wedding: May 2018

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@strawberrysakura:  Yes to all of this!

Bee, you need to love yourself and shake this man off for good. You say his refusal to commit to you made you cry for 10 years. You literally spent a decade of your life crying over a guy who wouldn’t even consider moving in with you because he wanted his “freedom.” If you were both happy living apart that would be one thing, but you cried about him not wanting to live with you for years.

Now he’s desperate and down on his luck and begging you to support him. Do you think that he’ll want to keep living together once (or if) he gets on his feet again? He’s using you and you do not need to feel guilty for being suspicious of his motives. 

I think you really need to look deep inside yourself and try to figure out why you’re so eager to put his happiness and comfort above your own. Do you worry you won’t find anyone else if you leave him? Are you afraid to start over? These feelings are all normal enough (many people are afraid to leave unhappy relationships) but you owe it to yourself to do what’s best for you–not him. 

Let him go, Bee. It’s time to put yourself first. 

Post # 37
1993 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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@unlucky:  OP what do YOU want?  Why would you want it with this guy who purports to want to move to the “next level” when for the past 10 years that was the last thing that he wanted?  Oh yeah that’s right, things aren’t going well for him financially right now.  Pretty convenient that you’ve now become more attractive to him.

When will you recognize your worth?  You already know deep down that he will never give you what you need.  How much more of your time are you willing to waste on someone who’s made it clear that you will NEVER be a priority?  There’s a guy out there ready and willing to give you what you need but you’re going to miss out because you’re too busy giving all your attention to a time waster.  

Don’t let regret be your story.  Be courageous and save yourself.

Post # 38
851 posts
Busy bee

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@unlucky:  You have a post from 6 years ago about a guy you’ve been dating for 9 years proposing to you after a breakup.

Considering that you’re now talking about dating someone for 15 years, I assume it’s the same guy. I understand the context of that was after a breakup, but it sounds like this isn’t the first time that he is talking about a proposal.

What happened after the proposal 6 years ago?? Did you reject the proposal and get back together with him? What was that discussion like and what was your reasoning for rejecting the proposal but continuning the relationship? What were your discussions like regarding the plan for the future of your relationship?

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