(Closed) Do you look through your partner's phone?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Backyard

No, we have a much deeper sense of trust. We were long distance for nine months, and it never crossed my mind that he would think of being unfaithful.

Post # 47
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I don’t think it’s a good idea; it has caused issues for me in the past. I have learned that if you have a suspicion, just address it.

Post # 48
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

We both (have the option to) look through each other’s phones. If there’s an unopened message, I’ll leave it, but messages he’s already read are ok… and his photos are just mostly of the cat. I don’t often do it though, unless I’m looking at messages from his family/friend group chats as they’ll often have details of things we’re doing together. I don’t go through his emails though. We never really had a closed-phone policy or reason to.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by hazelbee.
Post # 49
98 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
jennessey85:  no, definitely not. if you have to, where is the trust?

Post # 50
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

no. neither Fiance or I have passcodes on our phones and i leave mine laying around all the time, so does he. neither of us really feel the need to snoop, and neither of us have anything to hide. like we leave FB logged in on our computers and email and everything.  

however, i will say that i firmly believe that if someone is texting (read: pursuing) a person in a relationship, there is a reason why they think they will have success…  

Post # 51
3170 posts
Sugar bee

We have each other’s passcodes and will sometimes reply to a text message on each other’s behalf, use the other person’s phone if ours is dead or out of coverage, etc. I broke my phone recently and was without one for a couple days, and my Fiance gave me his to use while he used his work phone. I would do the same if the situation was reversed, I trust him and don’t have anything to hide.

I also grew up in a family where my parents share the same email account (AOL c. 1992, just never got around to making new individual accounts), and while I certainly wouldn’t share email accounts with my Fiance, I just don’t really see the big deal about shrouding one another’s texts and emails in privacy.

Post # 52
1939 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’ve heard a saying and it’s so true, “If you go looking for something, you will find it.” I used to go through his stuff when I was 19-20, because I was immature and insecure and without fail, I would find “something” that I would then question him about, and it wouldn’t be anything of significance, but I made it out to be. We’ve had personal privacy boundaries since then but he’ll open his facebook in front of me or I’ll toss him my phone and tell him to read a conversation with a friend of mine so I don’t have to read it all off to him. 

Post # 53
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yeah, we use each other’s phone regularly, so we see each other’s messages if they pop up. We have nothing to hide so it doesn’t bother either of us. Our relationship is just naturally very transparent.

Post # 54
5641 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

No, have never done it and never will.

Post # 55
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

We know each other’s passcodes and use each other’s phones on occasion, text for each other while driving, etc., but neither of us snoop through. I may ask to read a conversation if someone that we mutually know is talking about something, rather than having him relay the entire conversation, but that’s about it. 

I suppose if I were sitting next to his phone and a text message came through with the preview, I wouldn’t avert my eyes or anything, I’d probably read the preview and let DH know that he got a text. If it was something inappropriate sounding, I’d just ask him about it, though this has never happened. 

Post # 56
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

I did once, in the beginning stages of our relationship (5-6months in). We were away on vacation, I had some wine and he was asleep and my insecurities got ahold of me and i snooped. Found nothing and felt like a huge a** hole after. 

haven’t done it since and we leave out phones out everywhere. He plays games on mine to help me win a level and I text back people for him when he can’t at that moment. 

it was definitively something wrong at my end 

Post # 57
466 posts
Helper bee

I trust my SO completely and know he would never do anything that would jeopardize our relationship, so I’ve never felt compelled to look at his phone.

However I am ashamed to admit I did go through an ex’s phone, but what I found justified my suspicions. He had always been open about texting in front of me, but out of the blue he became kind of distant and secretive and would turn his phone away from me if we were sitting next to each other or place it face down on the table if he wasn’t using it.

I noticed he was texting a particular girl and asked him about her and he said she was just some girl from his running group. My intuition led me to believe there was more to it and sure enough when I snooped I found out he actually met her at a bar (where I had dropped him off for guys night!) and had made plans to go on a date. I don’t know if they ever met up or not and we broke up shortly after.

The feeling of knowing something was going on and him brushing me off like I was crazy was not a good one and I wouldn’t look again. I agree with PPs who said if you go looking for something you’ll probably find it!



Post # 58
246 posts
Helper bee

We don’t snoop but we will use each other’s phones from time to time and it’s not a big deal, like if he is driving he might tell me to do something on his phone. We don’t make a habit of looking at each other’s things, but we don’t actively prevent it either. It’s a non-issue.

To answer the question in your OP, if I saw a message come through on his phone I would flat-out tell him about it and ask what the deal was. If he acted suspicious I might ask for more info and to read past texts. If he says no, you already have your answer and don’t need to snoop anyway.

Post # 59
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Nope, that is an invasion of privacy. If I saw or heard something I was curious about I would just ask him. He doesn’t have a password (I do but he knows it), but violating that trust (in both directions- he is trusting me not to sift through his private info) isn’t worth it.

Post # 60
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I did in the beginning of our relationship (about 5 years ago), but that was to verify my suspicions regarding his psycho ex-gf to be true. Once that was resolved I have never had the urge. We have each other’s passcodes to phones but only access each other’s phones upon the other person’s request (to check a message or look something up, etc), same w/emails. 

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