Do you love your in-laws as much as your family of origin?

posted 10 months ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

My in-laws are just not responsive and put no effort into maintaining a relationship with me. I too am to blame for that I guess, but when I send them friendly texts, I never get a response. And if I call, they are always too busy to talk to me.

Which is fine, but not really how to win my affection, lol 

I don’t expect them to drop everything they are doing and give me ALL their attention, but come on, my mother doesn’t text and emails me from her computer before they send me a quick text back. My fiance is in AFGHANISTAN at WAR and texts me back before they do. 

So yeah, I love them for raising the love of my life and being there for him and supporting him, but they just don’t have the family dynamics I grew up with. They don’t really talk to each other, and they don’t have big family dinners that my very German mother always fought for every single night when I was growing up. 

It reminds me much of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” – where the girl has that massive ethnic family, loud and obnoxious, but so in love with each other – and the guy has, well, just a couple white people as boring as stale bread. Friendly, but not smothering you with stories and food and affection. 

It’s very different. XD

Post # 17
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I love them more than my family. Yes, I tell them. 

My family is garbage people that I cut out of my life.

His family is loving, open, little crazy, really funny and even though they have their issues they try to be good people. I’m so happy to now be one of them. 

Post # 18
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

I’m going to provide a different perspective 🙂

My son dated a lovely young lady for seven years. They met in university and she was a foreign student so we were like her substitue family. She was welcomed for Thanks Giving, Christmas, Easter, etc. After a couple of years my husband and I would say “love you” to her because we wanted her to feel welcomed and loved as part of our family, particularly because we knew how much she missed her mom and siblings. She returned the sentiment but, of course, we can’t know if she really felt that way. At the time we couldn’t say that we really loved her but we wanted her to know that we fully accepted her and their relationship. She is in the same industry as my husband so he helped her get her first job and provided guidance to her on multiple occassions and I hope she feels that I was supportive too.

Sadly, they broke up about a year ago and both my husband and myself miss her terribly and are mourning her loss, if you can imagine that. So, in the end, yes we did/do love her. Sometimes, like the song says, you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone.

Post # 19
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

My family of origin is/was a hot mess, with addict/alcoholic parents (both gone now), abuse, and half my family refusing to speak to me anymore because I’m gay, so I haven’t seen/heard from them in over a decade now (good riddance, IMO). The only people from my family that I have a good relationship with now are my brothers.

When I met FI’s family, it was clear how close and loving they are, and her family absolutely adores me. I will say that when I first started spending time with them, I felt really uncomfortable and awkward sometimes, because that kind of closeness was foreign to me. It’s not something I ever experienced in my life. The first few times her mom said “I love you” to me, I didn’t know how to respond and just muttered “love you too” back kind of awkwardly. She also calls me “daughter” all the time, and it took a while to get used to that too.

However, after being part of my FI’s family for a while now, I find it more comfortable, and I really do love them and say it often. I would say I love them MORE than my family of origin at this point, if I’m being honest. FI’s mom and I chat pretty regularly. I talk to her about parenting frustrations, something I never had a mom to talk to about before. She’ll call me to talk about her frustrations with whatever. I even took FI’s mom wedding dress shopping with me and we had a great time! FI’s dad is the same way, though not as chatty. He makes sure to ask if we’re taking care of the car properly, asks about my kids when he hasn’t seen them, etc. They are basically the parents I never had, and that feels good now that I’ve adjusted to it a bit.

Post # 20
Member
4546 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

somedaymrsj :  that’s awesome. You’re getting into a loving family!

I have known my in-laws all my life, and now when we’re expecting a baby soon I have to say that my mil has been more of a support to me than my own mother, sadly. I can call her anytime, she’s going to come live with us when the baby arrives in a month and has just been an amazing support. Father-In-Law was the kindest man in the world, we miss him. My own mother hasn’t replied to my phone call or texts about being with me when I deliver so that’s that. I stopped reaching out. I definitively love my in-laws and the extended family. They’ve made me feel like their own daughter and I’m so thankful for that.

Post # 21
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I didn’t care for most of my former in-laws, but I very much loved his grandparents. I still do even after divorce. If one got hurt, I’d offer to take care of them or make a meal. Happily. Not so much for me ex’s mom. 

Maybe that’s how you know that you love them… if your partner divorced you or died tomorrow, would you still care for his family in a way that is more than obligatory respect?  Would you want them in your life for their own sake?

You can love them without it being the same or as deep as it is with your own family. 

Post # 22
Member
1738 posts
Bumble bee

No, I love my family more than my in laws. I love and married my husband, his family just happened to be a part of his life, but that doesn’t mean I love them. If I wasn’t married to my husband, I would have no relationship with them whatsoever.

Post # 23
Member
9138 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I do. But that’s probably because my own family is so effed up. 

Post # 24
Member
11793 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Mlim :  His parents opened their arms and their hearts to me from day 1. By the time we were engaged they made me feel as if I was not only welcome, but a full fledged member of the family.

There are all kinds of love. Love for a child, a SO or spouse, and for a friend to name a few. My feelings  for them have undoubtedly grown and deepened over the years, but from almost the very beginning I loved and appreciated them for themselves and for the people who raised and helped make my husband the person he is. 

Post # 25
Member
4494 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Mlim :  I like them a lot and I guess I love them but they aren’t my family in the same way that my genuine blood family are. They are good people and they raised an amazing man I’m lucky enough to call my husband and I would do anything I would do willingly for my own blood family but I just don’t have the same level of history and shared experiences that I have with my own, so for that alone I’d say no to your question.

My mother in law is very free and easy with the I love you comments. I don’t come from a family where we say that. I think I’ve heard I love you more times from Mother-In-Law than my own parents!  At first it made me go ‘woah ..uum… do I say it back!!?’ It was more stress inducing that the first ‘I love you’ exchange with hubby!! Now I just say thanks, I  love you too. It took time and it took a while to get comfortable but now hearing it and saying it feels like a pair of comfy slippers! 😀 

OP, you’ll get used to the verbal affection and I’m sure one day you will genuinely be able to say it back with some genuine feeling.

Post # 26
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

lifeisbeeutiful :  Right? I tell my Fiance all the time how blessed I feel that I not only get to marry the love of my life, but I also get to marry into an amazing family that loves and accepts me as part of the family!

That’s shitty that your mom isn’t there for you, but it sounds like you have awesome, supportive in-laws who are happy to step up and be there when you need them. What a blessing! 🙂

Post # 28
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Nope. They are all nice people, I like them a lot, and they’ve always made me feel welcome but I don’t love them. My Mother-In-Law always says “Love you guys” at the end of phone calls and I just let my husband say it back because it just feels weird for me to say it when I don’t feel it. 

Post # 29
Member
2844 posts
Sugar bee

I love my in laws a lot and we do tell each other, but I also come from a very close and affectionate family. He also has 2 sisters I get along with really well and I’m a lot like his mum. I wouldn’t say i love them as much as my family, but my family and I are pretty much best friends and have been through a lot. 

Don’t feel badly if you don’t though. Not everyone does and it definitely depends quite a bit on how alike you are and that sort of thing. I’m not quite as close with his step mom and brother, for example, because we just don’t have much in common. I still love them in the ‘care about you’ way, but we likely wouldn’t spend time together without my husband. 

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