Post # 1
The Aziz Ansari news sparked a long debate between my DH and I last night. He said a couple of concerning things, and one in particular that I really wanted to take to you women.
Do you feel that you play hard to get, sexually? Or that you used to play hard to get, earlier in your life and dating evolution? When my husband said this, I was like, ummm, no. When I’ve resisted it’s been because I didn’t really didn’t want to do the activity, not because I was trying to be cute. If I later went ahead and did it, it was more relenting or caving than it was because I had actually wanted it all along.
I’m not asking for if you think other women do this (lord knows we see it enough in the movies). I’m asking if you personally feel like you ever said no when you really meant yes and just wanted him to keep asking/begging/persuing/whatever.
In this case I do NOT mean holding off on calling the guy or waiting for him to make the first move, I mean specifically saying no to a sexual encounter when you really hoped that he’d keep pushing because you did want to do it.
My personal theory is that women do NOT do this. But I was shocked to learn my DH thinks that’s a real thing. So women, tell me, what’s your personal experience?
There is a whole other thread debating the Aziz Ansari thing over here, if you want to talk more about that. https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/aziz-ansari-what-do-you-think/
Post # 2
Yeah, this is a thing. Sometimes I play hard to get with my husband. He knows when I’m playfully playing hard to get and when I mean no. But we’ve been together 9.5 years. He can read my body language and the tone of my voice. And if on occasion he doesn’t get that I’m not playing and pushes when I’m not in the mood I just say “Hun, really I’m not feeling it right now” and he stops.
Post # 3
I should go read that board, for me no means no. Yes means yes.
Iveonly had sex with one person before (my FI) and never made it a “game”. If I wanted sex, I put the moves on him/told him. If he put the moves on me and I wanted sex, I would reciprocate. If he put the moves on me and I didn’t want sex, I would tell him I wasnt in the mood at the moment and to put it off for another time.
Never been a problem.
Post # 4
I do with my husband sometimes…I don’t say “no” but I pull away, act like I’m not interested, etc but he knows when I’m playing vs me being serious. If I’m busy doing something else and he’s being frisky I just tell him firmly that I’m busy at the moment or whatever, he gets it.
Post # 5
No, I do not say ‘no’ just to get a man to beg or pursue me.
Post # 6
I’ve never played hard to get about the act of sex itself. Maybe about a kiss, or holding hands, and it will clearly be a tease rather than vaguely suggestive. I’ll playfully spin away and say something like, “No kiss unless you promise it’s going to be a good one!”
But sex either is or isn’t going to happen. There is no gray area.
Post # 7
- Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France
Yes, I do. My boyfriend and I (per my request) actually go beyond this and roleplay certain fantasies. We do have a safe word so he knows when no means no but beyond the safe word…I say no and mean.. convince me all the time. Its a turn on for me.
Post # 8
I’ve said “no, I’m not interested in having sex” before (mostly because it was a first date and at that point, I did not want to have sex) and then as things kept going, changed my mind because the guy really had me going and I wanted it.
Like PP, I’ve “played” hard to get in long-term relationships as part of the flirting/foreplay.
Post # 9
I’ve said “yes…I guess” but really meant “no” earlier on in my dating life, I just didn’t know how to say no to a guy. Period. About any number of things that made me uncomfortable….like suggestions to go back to his place, to making out etc. Like “Grace”, when I was younger, I did a lot of the “can we slow things down?” and “I’m not really ready for this…” type of responses. Dating was new to me, I wanted the guy to like me, I wanted to appear older and more mature than I was…so many stupid reasons.
But when I did say “No”, I still meant it, I just rarely if ever used it.
Now though? Older, wiser, more cynical and a heck of a lot tougher? Heck yes I say “No” and I’ve meant it every single time. Someone once taught me that “No.” is in and of itself a complete sentence and that learning how to use it at will is the most liberating thing ever.
Post # 10
“When I’ve resisted it’s been because I didn’t really didn’t want to do the activity, not because I was trying to be cute. If I later went ahead and did it, it was more relenting or caving than it was because I had actually wanted it all along.”
This is something I have done for my ENTIRE life and I am actively working on in ALL aspects of my life.
Post # 11
I’ll play hard to get with my Fiance but it is very obvious that I’m playing a game. Like he’ll play growl at me and lunge for me and I’ll squeal and run off to the bedroom and hide under the covers. It is very clearly a game we’re both playing.
In my dating life I always said no and meant it but the guy would wear me down.
Post # 12
I don’t play hard to get. I AM hard to get!
My Mother-In-Law said something profound to me a few years ago about the importance of children (girls especially) being taught and supported in saying yes to what they really want so that they can firmly and confidently say no to what they don’t want.
I think the conversation is really big- slut shaming is real and a lot of young women and men still learn (and believe) that saying no but meaning yes is a thing. I love California’s transition from “no means no” to “yes means yes” because it removes the burden from just on the girl to say no and to the guy to ascertain that his partner is actually interested, engaged, and along for the ride.
I also think we still live in a society where a lot of men are starved for touch and healthy, intimate connection, and the only way they are taught to get their touch needs met is through sex which can result in a lot of unhealthy, obnoxious behaviors.
Post # 13
TwilightRarity : “I also think we still live in a society where a lot of men are starved for touch and healthy, intimate connection, and the only way they are taught to get their touch needs met is through sex which can result in a lot of unhealthy, obnoxious behaviors.”
Very interesting, I’d never thought about that before. I buy that.
Post # 14
There are a lot of women who DO do this, even if it’s something I (or most of us answering here) wouldn’t do.
Post # 15
I would not say I play hard to get but I definitely like to be seduced from time to time. When I put my ear plugs in and sleeping mask on it’s bedtime. I’ll wait to put on the eye mask and ear plugs if I want to cuddle or talk with my SO before bed. However, sometimes my SO will ignore the sleeping gear and start rubbing my back and kissing my neck. I always cave pretty quickly. So mixed signals? Absolutely. The sleeping gear says “fuck off” but I respond positively to his sweet cuddles and kisses.