(Closed) Do You Really 'Marry The Family Too'? Influence On Your Kids?

posted 8 years ago in Family
  • poll: Do Your Families Influence Your Kids (Negative Way)

    Yes, they have (or will)

    No, they haven't (or won't)

  • Post # 3
    201 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I think you have to discuss with your girlfriend how you plan to raise your kids when it comes to religion. In that discussion you should also talk about how your families will influence their religious upbringing as well as plans to lay down ground rules with each family.

    Post # 4
    1353 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    When you have kids, you both will have to set limits.  It is up to her to talk to her family and you to talk to yours.  A simple “I appreciate that you feel strongly about this issue, but I do not want it discussed in front of the children” should do it.  If it does not, when things get heated you both have to put on a united front and leave. “I’m sorry, but we asked you not to bring this up.  We will be going now. We hope to see you next time without a discussion of religion.” It’s going to take them a while to get used to it, but unless they are completely unreasonable, they will tone it down for the good of their grandchildren.  (and yes there are some VERY unreasonable people in the world, when it comes to them you may be forced in a cut them out of your life or suck it up situation, but I’d at least TRY first)

    Good luck! 

    Post # 5
    524 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @Schatzie821:  THIS!  My in-laws are very religious, and I am not.  Having seen the way they interact with their other grandchildren, I’m not too worried about it.  But, I told my husband that the day my kid comes home spouting their religious ideas as the absolute truth is the day they no longer go without supervision.

    Post # 6
    5995 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    We’ve sort of got the opposite situation: we’re Christian (fairly mainstream Protestant), the extended families are not. We haven’t had a problem. At least in our case, the amount of contact grandparents have with our kids (seeing them less than once a month probably) hasn’t been enough to have much of an influence on our kids at all.

    If you want to be part of a church, and aren’t comfortable at your gf’s church, perhaps the two of you should seek a sort of “middle ground” church suited to both of you. If it’s any consolation, I’m not comfortable in a many Pentecostal churches either. I’m pretty quiet and reserved and their whole style just isn’t for me.

    Post # 7
    4394 posts
    Honey bee

    Hmm, well somewhat simlar–my brother’s wife’s dad is quite the conservative republican, and my whole family are liberal democrats. We used to have to hear about Rush Limbaugh and other junk (sorry) at holidays, but none of us let ourselves get offended. I just roll my eyes to myself. It doesn’t really come up anymore.

    Truthfully, I wouldn’t worry too much about it, as long as your girlfriend is on the same page as you. Whatever the grandkids hear from gma and gpa about “those damn Catholics” will probably just go over their head, and when they get older they will make decisions themselves about religion anyway.

    As far as marrying the family–I think it really depends on your SO’s relationship with her family. Sometimes yes, you absolutely marry the family if they’re close and spend a lot of time together. Some people rarely see their family, and in that case they’re less influential. 

    Post # 8
    7439 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    First off, I am sorry you have to deal with this… the man is BEYOND RUDE.

    What a Jerk !!

    Your post reminds me a bit of the Leave & Cleave Post that was on WBee Yesterday… (might have been on the CHRISTIAN BOARD), I’ll see if I cannot find it again.

    Ultimately, it is YOUR FAMILY… as in the one that you and wife make that matters

    And how YOU CHOOSE to have that Family operate

    What are YOUR FAMILY VALUES etc

    Can I say it will or will not be easy (sorry cannot do that, no crystal ball)

    Can it sometimes be an uphill climb ??

    That I can say yes to.

    Sometimes family members want to stick their noses where it doesn’t belong no matter what issue a couple has going on

    It is up to you to STAND AS A UNIT and fend them off


    I promise you there will be days… and it will be stressful because Inlaw Problems are still regarded a a major cause of Divorce

    But then if not that, something else

    We all have our crosses to bear (pun intended)

    It is what you do with yours TOGETHER that will make a difference

    You’ll have your kids the majority of the time, just the two of you raising them, teaching them, influencing them, guiding them

    Grampa not so much

    Lol, but then again, this is a battle you’d fight in the world for your kids even if there wasn’t a Grampa such as this one

    Because eventually little Sally & Bob will go off to school, and they’ll be influenced by others ideas of the world that won’t mesh with yours

    And you’ll be shocked, cause you thought you KNEW little Barbie’s Parents so well, until you find out they let your 8 year old watch a PG-13 Movie on a sleep over

    Been there… done that

    And wait until they become Teens even harder still to keep the world / wolves at bay.

    But we all manage, and you will too.

    Love them, Love their Mom, and keep your ear to the ground, and listen well to what the children say.  Like in Marriage… communication is the key to success

    You will get thru it… we all do.

    (( HUGS ))

    — — —

    FOUND IT = http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/leaving-your-parents-to-cleave-to-your-spouse#axzz2dn1wenKj

    Not all of it will apply to your situation, but it does cover the IMPORTANCE of creating one’s own FAMILY, and finding ways to either letting go, or forcing Parents to let go from you.


    Post # 9
    4097 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    @plantobee:  We are actually a little worried about this. I am agnostic and my husband is Catholic, but he’s very lax about it. We share perspectives but never argue about religion. His family is very religious and at times have made subtle comments about my lack of religious beliefs. I know they would have preferred for him to marry a Catholic girl. We don’t have children yet and haven’t decided how we would raise them so I don’t know what will happen. Our niece wasn’t baptized and my Father-In-Law still holds a bit of a grudge against our SIL because of it. 

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