(Closed) do you REALLY not marry the family?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@nutsoveru:  Fair enough.  I’ve been there too, anticipating the wrath of bullshit I’m going to have to face from my ILs when we start a family, bringing grandchildren into their dysfunction.  But I’ve learned that you have to work with what you got.  For your case, don’t bring your children to your ILs house.  If they want to see their grandchildren, they can see them at your house.  Furthermore, it’s ok if your kids don’t have a warm and fuzzy relationship with their grandparents.  I don’t foresee that in my future children’s lives.  Is it ideal?  No.  But does it stop me from loving my husband?  No.  Does it’s make me wonder if it’s a good idea to have kids at all?  Absolutely not. 

Ultimately, you need to realize that you and your husband create your own family when you get married.  Likewise, your children are your family.  You are a single unit comprised of the people that you love most in the world.  Outside influences (in your case – crazy ILs) can’t break that.  It doesn’t mean it’s always easy and it doesn’t mean there won’t be ups and downs, but at the end of the day, you, your husband, and your children are what really matter.  

I think if you really, truly love this man, enough to marry him, you take him and everything he’s got.  I’m telling you, my ILs are not good people, and recently they have really showed their true colors.  It’s upsetting and frustrating and heartbreaking and I wish things could be different.  But they aren’t and they never will be.  And it will NEVER make me change the way I feel about my husband because I love and adore him.  I wouldn’t trade him for the world.  If you don’t feel that way about him now, then maybe you’re right and you shouldn’t get married. 

Post # 18
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee

Ideally, you should at least accept his family, even if you have to keep a distance. However, the fact that he’s not involved in his child’s life would be a red flag to me. Sounds like there’s a bigger problem under the surface…

Also, growing up without grandparents or close cousins happens, and it’s not horrible. Just like not having a mother or a father, it’s an absence that can be filled with other role models. Then again, I was brought up in a similar situation to your theoretical child. My mom cut off her brothers, and my dad is 20 years younger than his oldest sibling and is probably only close to his sister (12 years older) because they were coworkers and because she doted on him. Two of my grandparents died before I was born, and the last one passed away when I was 8. I turned out fine – sometimes I am jealous of those with living grandparents and close-knit families, but it seldom comes up, especially since DBF is mostly the same way (except he has living grandparents, and his aunt, two uncles, and three cousins live overseas).

Post # 19
Member
1900 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@nutsoveru:  This is the most recent one – I’ve vented about them a lot on here http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-am-so-sick-of-his-family

In response to your earlier reply – yeah, I am close with his family. They love me and I actually get on with them really well. But they have a habit of basically emotionally abusing anyone that is a member of the family (even others that have married into the family). They don’t even realise they’re doing it, either!

So while I currently get along with them great, I worry that after the wedding, things will go downhill (they’re already starting to a little). I also worry that they will set terrible examples for my future children. My family are very close and I want my children to be able to enjoy growing up in a loving family like I did. So I guess I’ll keep travelling as we are now, but if they start abusing me or my children, then they will probably never see me or my/our children again.

Post # 21
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I think it would be to each their own in terms of “marrying the family” thing, but it is a personal choice and from the sound of your post, I feel like you will face many issues down the road if you marry him. because, you are a family person, and your man isn’t. That alone sounds to me like a big enough issue.

I know some people are capable of setting boundries or stop caring or cutting contacts, but if you are the kind of person who envisions her life filled with family affection and really wants that kind of life, then, you need to seek that life.

I recently got married to a man of different culture(way different). His family and extended families are wonderful and welcoming so I am really thankful.

Post # 22
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@nutsoveru:  I do think you’re being really negative about the whole situation.  I’m curious… does your Fiance put pressure on you to have a close relationship with his parents?  Is he ok if you keep them at a distance?  Basically, I want to know if he’s putting pressure on you or if you’re putting the pressure on yourself…

Post # 23
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@nutsoveru:  Well – you do and you don’t.  If you were to marry him, you and he would decide what kind of relationship you have (or don’t have) with his family.  The problem is – holidays, birthdays, and any other events you may have to engage with his family.  If you plan to have kids, it’s his family wanting to see the kids, you having to navigate through all of the events and perhaps come up with compromises along the way.  If you’ve envisioned big, harmonious holidays with either side of the family or all of them together, it’s not going to happen.  It’s difficult to think through all your potential expectations and I’ll guarantee you that both you and your Fiance will encounter unknown expectations (things you didn’t realize that bothered you until you are in the middle of it).  Aside from the in laws, being a step mom is a huge deal.  Is the bio mom around?  Will you have to deal with her?  What will your parenting role be with your step-son and how does the dynamic change when you start having kids?

Can you make it work?  Yes, of course.  Anyone can make anything work.  But, it sounds like it will take a TON of work and self-sacrifice and really isn’t the life you envisioned for yourself.  But, only you can make that call.

Just a note on marrying an introvert (I’m an extrovert, he’s an introvert), it’s not that it can’t work – but life would be SO different if I married another extrovert.  I’m the one who 99.9999% of the time plans things or makes social things happen.   I knew all this going into the marriage, but, I’d be lying to say I wouldn’t fall over dead from delight if he were to be more extroverted.  But, it’s not going to happen, so I do what I can in the social department (meaning – it takes more work than I think it technically should) – but, that’s what I signed up for.

I guess just ask yourself if you could put up with the things you discussed in your post.  Honestly, at the end of the day it IS a choice.  I know that may sound cold, especially because you love your Fiance so much, but all those other factors are also part of what he brings to the table and will certainly bring to your life.  The rest of your life is a LONG TIME and things that wear down the love, IMO, is when you start to lose respect for your partner (by judging how they live, how they interact with their family, how they treat you, etc etc etc)

Post # 24
Member
2424 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

For me, I’ve always believed that you DO marry the family (unless they are extenuating circumstances where you have purposely cut yourself off from them, which it doesn’t sound like the case here). I am very lucky to have a good relationship with DH’s family, so I don’t have to deal with these type of issues. If they are part of his life, they are going to get involved. Obviously you try to set boundaries, but how will you Future Mother-In-Law respond if you say you don’t want your children in her house because of hoarding? Will she flip out and make it into a big deal? Just think about those things.

Would it be enough for me to break an engagement? In itself, I doubt it. I think we sometimes have to suck it up for people we love. But your doubts about his personality (introverted) are actually more concerning to me than the famil issues. Be sure of what you want, it’s much easier to break an engagement than a marriage if you are unhappy.

Post # 26
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I could have written your post!… My husband and I got married right away within 6 mnths..(we had been friends for a while)but I had no idea how his family was… I knew he had been dealing earlier in his life, and he did a whole 360 for me cause that does go with my nor my family. Right after the wedding I started seeing how they are theives..(cleaned out our apartment while we were out on new yrs trip, stole one of my husband racing truck) They are lying, they have ties with wrong people and the worse thing is that his mother seems to approve along as money is invovled…They HATE ME! I LOVE MY HUSBAND.. i dont think if i would have known how the family was i wouldnt have married him.. thank god he is the “normal one” and has the most amazing heart… BUT I DONT THINK YOU MARRY THE FAMILY… put some distance…We are going to have to relocate.. yes its that extreme.

I’ve come to terms that them hating me is only because they cant milk the cow anymore.. and they have so many insecurities.. especially the mother. ( she is separated from his dad but wants him back, he left since its too much drama) I figure she see’s how our mariage has been strong from the very begining and wishes she had that.. plus i took her baby away!.. OH and if you arent down with their “business” you are not accepted.. and well my husband now has an honest earning job. which he thanks me for being his wake up call. and he found his family.. mine.. he is treated like the oldest son LOL… 

 

SO DONT FEEL YOU ARE MARRYING THE FAMILY… YOU ARE MARRYING INTO THE FAMILY, BUT YOU ONLY MARRY YOUR HUSBAND.. BY THE MOMENT YOU AND YOUR Fiance BECOME MARRied YOU TWO CREATE YOUR OWN FAMILY… YOU COME FIRST TO HIM AND HIM TO YOU… 

Post # 28
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

This sounds like a tough situation and one for which you’ve already made up your mind. 

It is different for everyone, but I can say unequivocally that as I’ve gotten older I have realized that it’s important to me to marry into a family with similar dynamics as my own. When we get married, his parents will be like my own and mine like his. His brother my own, my sister his. This is a cultural norm for us and one that I love. We both come from very close families.

It’s often very difficult for people who have close familial relationships to marry into a family that isn’t the same way. If you want to marry into a close-knit family, do not feel bad about it! The tone of your post makes me think you already know what is best for you. Follow your heart.

Post # 29
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Remember that LOVE is not a feeling, but a decision to love which moves us beyond disillusionement and leads to true joy… 

based on what I’ve read you are confused so i suggest dont make any decision at the moment cause feelings change easily… Love and married life is a cycle of ups and downs. so ask yourself. Do you love this man enough to go through those ups and downs? Can you put your feelings aside and make the decision to still love him?

 

Post # 30
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@nutsoveru:  I think you are really wise for thinking this out and I do not think you are just being a negative thinker.  i think people get into problems when they think “I can handle it!” and then when they are in it, the issues become compounded and they realize they don’t want to deal with the crap anymore!  I guess the only thing I’d encourage you to do is to take some time and continue to think through things.  I don’t know how you process, but I’d take a few days and go away somewhere (maybe a favorite vacation spot where you can just be with your thoughts).  Ultimately, you’ll make the decision you know in your heart is right.  Don’t lie to what your heart is telling you.  I never understood when people would say marriage is a lot of hard work. I really didn’t.  I thought – uh, you get to be with the person you love all the time – how can that be hard?  Well, it wasn’t until I got married that I realized what they mean.  It involves this self-sacrificing that wasn’t anywhere close to what dating was like (I dated Darling Husband for almost 5 years before we got married).  The thing that rings loudly in your post is “This isn’t really what I want for myself”.  That’s not a bad or wrong thing to feel.  It also doesn’t meet you don’t love your Fiance deeply.  It just means this isn’t the life you want for yourself.  LISTEN to yourself.  Because, if not, you are entering into a life you don’t want… and will have to deal with all the things that comes with that life.

HUGS.  We are here for you!

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