- 7 years ago
- Wedding: December 2012
To echo some previous comments, you don’t “marry” them, but if they are in his life, then they’re going to be in yours. It’s going to be work, but it isn’t going to be work all the time. It’s going to be like so many other things in life that sometimes flare up and become issues and othertimes fade into the background. But if you and your Fiance are unified in the idea that you are creating your own family, then it’ll work.
You’re not going to change his family. They’ve been this way too long and honestly they will not change. Any changes in his relationship with them will likely be met with resistance. You choose how you interact with them, but you cannot change them. It’s workable. It’s doable, and it’s a process. It will take years. It may never completely be “fixed” but life isn’t perfect.
For us I’m the introvert, Darling Husband is the extrovert. I have to force myself to go out and when I do it’s draining. I socialize and go out more than I would on my own because it’s important to Darling Husband, but I will never be the one to organize an event or plan an outing. Darling Husband would never expect me to be that. But are you upset that this is how your FI’s personality is, or is he trying to make you into an introvert himself? Don’t try to make him something he’s not.
Growing up DH’s family interacted with almost every branch of the family tree frequently (I say ‘almost’ because you only go back so to like same great-greats or whatever). While I interacted with family on one side of the family, my father’s side we had nothing to do with. They were toxic, but that wasn’t really apparent until I was much older.
I don’t really understand your concerns about your FMIL’s hording. How is that something that is going to impact your life? If she collects everything in sight and keeps them in her house, that doesn’t mean it will affect yours. If she (like my MIL) has piles and piles of things that she just “needs” and then always wants to give you clutter and crap for your house, it’s inconvinent, but really it’s just a couple of hours of sorting and trashing or donating. Like everything else, if it is an issue, it’s not going to be a daily issue.
Here’s the thing: I grew up in an immediate family that I thought was perfect. My parents and family were perfect. My extended family (mom’s side) while crazy and a little annoying growing up were great. I thought I had the perfect family. Then Darling Husband and I started seriously talking about getting married and I realized that he thought he had the perfect family too. While I saw all the crazy wierd things about his family (and I see them very starkly), the good wasn’t as easily apparent and it was different to my “perfect” family. And even more insane, he didn’t think my perfect upbringing was perfect at all.
So really, there is no such thing as a perfect family. You didn’t have it. I don’t have it. No one has it. There are only varying levels of insanity that we judge differently depending on how their craziness aligns with our own.
It’s good that you are thinking and talking wtih your Fiance about this, but be careful not to overthink. There are problems we can dream up that will never manifest and sometimes imagination can be a dangerous thing.
These are conversations to be having and working through with your Fiance. The longer you worry about all the potential major pitfalls, the more you set yourself up for anxiety or failure. This from an introverted fatalist who’s extroverted optimist of a husband has been trying to get her to see silver linings for about six years now.
All the best!
ETA– sorry, I didn’t mean to write a book.