Post # 1
The last week, we have had several posters describe situations in which many others think that their SO, Fiance or Darling Husband is abusive or simply a jerk?.(I don’t mean the guys who sit around playing video games instead of taking out the trash, I mean the name callers, shovers, overly critical, etc)
Would you want to know if other thinks this behavior is over the line and if people thought the relationship was not good?
Post # 3
I might not have LIKED hearing it, but I SO wish my friends and family had spoken up about my ex before I married him. I can’t tell you how many of them later told me they saw things that bothered them but didn’t want to hurt my feelings, or they didn’t feel it was their place to interfere. I was far more hurt by going through marriage and a subsequent divorce than I would have been had they felt able to be honest with me. I DO value the opinions of those close to me and I hope I can say I would have listened to them.
Post # 4
I was with a guy who was emotionally abusive: name calling, manipulation and so on. My AMAZING friends did the right thing and told me what a waste of space he was. But I was blinded by “love”. I did eventually see the light – 4+ years after my friends told me to get shot. My point is: I don’t think I’d listen.
Post # 5
Yes! I would want to know! I try to be honest (gentle, but honest) with my friends and I have always wanted the same in return. I’ve been in relationships where my friends and family questioned the guy and it helped me to see behavior that I would make excuses for. One of the reasons I married my husband is because everyone who has my best interest at heart loves him and loves the way he treats me!
Post # 6
YES! Having dated a verbally abusive prick when I was younger, at the time I didn’t fully appreciate my friends/family trying to tell me how hard I needed to dump the asshole. I totally blew them off. Now that I’m somewhat older/wiser/whatever, I value their opinions. I was in denial back then and convinced that he was the best I could get so I might as well just deal with it. I could NOT have been more wrong and I credit one of my best friends for finally getting through to me.
Post # 8
@Neva: I think sometimes people are reluctant because sometimes they speak up, the relationship ends and they make up again (by this point, they have discussed what you said about him and guess who gets blamed?)
Post # 9
I think if I were to the point where I posting about these things, it would mean I knoow there’s something wrong. I like to think that having that confirmed (“no, you’re not oversensitive,” “no, you’re not blowing this out of proportion,” “no, what’s going on is not okay,”) would help me do what I need to so that the situation can get better. Sometimes that might be move on, or get counseling, or even just talk.
And on the flip side, if someone really thinks that what’s going on is okay, they don’t come asking if that’s the case, or how to change it. I don’t think, if someone’s in a bad situation, I could ever bring myself to not be honest with them about how it sounds to me.
Post # 10
I probably wouldn’t listen either, if I didn’t already have doubts. OTOH, I don’t think I could ever just stand by and watch someone I cared about put themselves in a bad situation and not say anything. It’s selfish, but I wouldn’t feel good about myself if I did that, even if I was pretty sure they wouldn’t have listened.
Post # 11
Definitely! Though I would go to my friends and family – who personally know my FH – before I’d come here. Especially if the situation was harder to explain and one of those “you really have to know how he is” things.
If something was really going on, my Future Father-In-Law is like a 30-years-older version of my FH, so I’d go to him before anyone else. He would know what was going on in FH’s head better than anyone else ever could.
Post # 12
@nycsa Yes I would absolutely want to know.
Sometimes you are too deep in a situation to see the reality. I would want a Bee on here or someone else to tell me. I would hate to go through with a marriage only to realize years later it was a big mistake and then have to deal with those reprecussions…
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I have seen too many women in unhealthy relationships that they’ve told themselves isn’t as bad as it is. One used to be my best friend, she is now alineated from everyone who was a part of her life before she got married (including her own parents) and the only friends she’s allowed to see are the few people she’s met who belong to her husband’s “church” (aka cult!).
Once, about 2 years after she got married, she reached out to a mutual friend and said that she was planning to leave her husband; and if only someone had shared their concerns before the wedding, she might not have married him in the first place– she had finally seen his controling and absuive bahavior for what it was… Well, then she found out she was pregnant (again) and got too scared to leave. I haven’t talked to her for about 6 years because her husband feels I’m a “bad influence” on her. I pray every day for the happiness and safety of her and her children.
If my friends and family thoght I was in a bad relationship, I’d want them to do more than tell me– I’d want them to shout it from the rooftops until I listened.
Post # 14
My ex was a huge jerk, to put it kindly. My friends and some family members did tell me they thought he wasn’t right for me in many ways. I hid a lot from them, though, like bruises. And at the time I believed love conquers all and I could “help him change.” I’m happy I finally got out of it. So, yes, I hope my friends will always have my back like that.
Post # 15
Absolutely! I dated my ex for 3 years, and I thought he was the greatest until the end. Turns out, no one really liked him for me and thought he was a loser. Yeah, that would have been helpful 3 YEARS AGO!
Though, if I hadn’t been with my ex, I wouldn’t know what I didn’t want and I’m not sure I’d appreciate my Darling Husband as much as I do now. He’s amazing!
Post # 16
While venting about a SO and asking for advice about situations are one thing, I think that if someone comes to the boards with a very serious question of weather or not their SO is abusive, then they already know the answer. If you are questioning something very serious, it’s because red flags may already be going up and you are just looking for the confidence of others opinions in order to stand on your own feet. If that makes any sense.