Post # 1
My mother and I were having an argument this morning and I figured I’d ask the Bees what they thought. My mother encourages me to keep certain things from my FI (things that have to do with arguments she and I have). I don’t do this because I want to be able to tell my FI whatever I want and not have secrets from him. However, I was wondering what you Bees thought? Do you keep things from you FI or SO if a family member or friend encourages you to? I’m not talking about not telling him some insignificant detail, but something that happened to you and was important.
Post # 3
Nope! I don’t keep secrets from him (unless it’s a little white lie about how much those shoes actually cost!).
It would be really hard for me to promise to keep things from my husband, even if it was for a close friend or family member. Everyone that knows me pretty much knows that if they tell me something, my husband will know, too, unless it’s extremely extenuating circumstances.
Post # 4
I feel the same way as Ms. Chapstick!
Post # 5
nope i tell him everything! he is my best friend and what i love about him is that i can tell him that me and a girlfriend had a fight and then i will be talking to her again and he wont judge or comment.
Post # 6
I feel the same way as you guys do but my mother made me feel like there was something wrong with that…
Post # 7
I think it all depends on who’s secret it is to keep. As you phrased it, I would share. If it happened to me and it was my secret, I decide.
But if it is something that is really someone else’s secret, there is no need to tell if my friend or family member wants some privacy. For example, if I go out with a friend and she makes a fool of herself and I have to spend the evening, um, cleaning up, yes, it happened to me, but I don’t need to share that secret. Really, that’s hers, and I will keep it if need be.
So, IMO, there is a big difference between keeping MY secrets (like not telling FI that I was the one who was a drunk fool) and keeping someone else’s.
Post # 8
I don’t know, I feel like a lot of people unburden themselves without considering how the other person is going to feel. My FI told me his mom offered to give us $ to elope and I really wish he would have kept it a secret. I think some secrets can be healthy for a relationship.
Post # 9
@monitajb: totally agree with you. while i do agree that FI is my absolute best friend and i keep nothing from him; when it’s someone else’s business/secret and it has nothing to do with us? i dont think id consciously tell him about it. i have to maintain my loyalty and trust to my other relationships too, not just ours… but again, i emphasize that it would be over things that didn’t have anything to do with us.
i guess all that doesn’t matter because 99.9% of the time, i end up telling FI everything anyway… it just happens when you live with your best friend! 😛
Post # 10
I agree with monitajb….I don’t keep any of MY secrets from my FI. He has grown to be my best friend over time so there isn’t any need.
However, he is not my ONLY friend, and those friends deserve to have the privacy and personal business respected as well. If a friend or family member wanted to speak to me in confidence about something, I want them to be able to do so…without worrying about my FI giving them funny looks later. I don’t see it as being disrespectful or deceitful, I see it as respecting the relationships that I had PRIOR to meeting FI. He understands that and feels the same way.
Post # 11
I guess my mother wants anything between us to stay just between us. But my mother can be particularly hurtful and I feel like if I’m upset about something she says or does than I should be able to vent and talk about it with my FI. He’d know something was bothering me and ask me what it was and I’m always honest with him.
Post # 12
I try not to have any secrets from him, but there are certain things that he just doesn’t need to know. Mainly because it would probably upset him. It also doesn’t help that I am naturally a person who likes to keep things to myself.
Post # 13
I tell him pretty much anything! We are very open with each other. 🙂
Why does your mom not want you to tell him? What is her reasoning?
Post # 14
@LGenz: Why do you wish he hadn’t told you that? Just because your FMIL recognizes the financially intelligent choice that an elopement is for many couples doesn’t mean that she isn’t excited for you two to be married. She just recognizes that money that goes to a wedding could be spent in many “better” ways. As long as she is supportive of you two whether you have a wedding or elope, why does her offer matter?
Post # 15
My FH is pretty well my bff, so we definitely talk about basically anything and everything. There are times when I keep things to myself, but were he to outright ask me, I wouldn’t lie or omit.
If it was something I could not talk about out of respect for another party, I could explain that to him and he would understand.
Post # 16
@Treasure43: In that case I will say that, for me, it depends on what the conversation was about. One of the things that my parents have always taught me is to be careful abt the way that you talk about your family or SO to other people. It can color other people’s view of your family or SO…sometimes negatively.
If you and your mom are prone to have arguments that typically blow over pretty quickly, then I would be inclined to say..don’t tell him. There is no reason for him to get worked up or upset with your mom when the two of you will be as thick as thieves a day or so later. However, if there was something MAJOR about your mom that you feel would change your relationship with her, and by extension his…then I would be inclined to say share that with him.