(Closed) Do you tell someone that their SO is cheating?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you tell someone they've been cheated on?
    Yes, of course! No matter what!! : (105 votes)
    36 %
    No way! Keep your nose out of it! : (54 votes)
    19 %
    Yes---if the couple is only dating or engaged (don't meddle in their marriage!) : (6 votes)
    2 %
    Yes--but only if they are married : (1 votes)
    0 %
    Don't thell them if they have kids : (3 votes)
    1 %
    Tell them only if they have kids : (0 votes)
    Tell them only if you really know them well : (100 votes)
    35 %
    Tell them even if you're a stranger (like the girl in the post) : (13 votes)
    4 %
    Don't tell them if it happened only once : (7 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3943 posts
    Honey bee

    Unless it was my brother getting cheated on, I wouldn’t tell anyone. I would stay out of it.

    Post # 4
    Member
    5977 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I saw that thread too and give kudos to the girl who spoke up. I don’t know what I would do in this situation. I would have to have solid proof that something was going on. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for breaking up someone’s marriage or relationship based on hearsay or weak info. Know what I mean?

    Post # 5
    Member
    1150 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I would tell if i had absolute proof that cheating had occured. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1101 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Totally depends on the situation. If I didn’t know them very well or they were friends but not good friends, I would probably keep my mouth shut. That sounds horrible, but I’d only feel right doing it if I were good friends witht them. :/ That is a tough spot to be in.

    Post # 7
    Member
    6512 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Yes, definitely.  My fiance and I unfortunately had to do this recently, as a friend’s bf left our NYE party with another woman to “crash at her place” despite us both telling him, repeatedly and vehemently, that he could [and should] stay at our place.  I later talked with the girl he went home with, who confirmed our suspicions, so we told our friend.  It was an awful convo, but as someone who has been the person cheated on, I know I would want to know.   Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to cheating. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    1132 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Like PP said, if I had proof, I would tell. I would want someone to do the same for me. If he doesn’t have the cajones to tell me himself, that makes the situation even worse.

    Post # 9
    Member
    440 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    Only if I was certain:

    If it was a dear friend; I’d tell them.

    Someone I knew: I’d confront person of cheating and say fess up or I’ll tell.

    someone I don’t know very well / At all; I’d stay out of it tbh. Unless there was a reason for my need to say something (abuse etc)

    Post # 10
    Member
    4416 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I’m a firm believer in telling people these things, but only if the information will do them any good. I’ve always been the big blabber about things like this, and as such I tell my friends “if you’re going to cheat on your SO, there are two people who can never find out: your SO, and me!”

    But, there was one time I kept the info to myself (and only after I was thoroughly convinced not to say anything). In that situation, I was the other girl. That is, I was UNKNOWINGLY the other girl. I was quasi-dating a guy and was rather into him when I found out through a mutual friend that he was engaged. OOPS. I wanted nothing more than to tell this creep’s fiancee about it, because I felt just as betrayed and I wanted to make sure she knew about him before she married him. The mutual friend talked me out of it by reminding me that 1) he has cheated on her before, she found out, and she forgave him because she’s super co-dependent with him and would probably forgive him for killing someone; 2) she would never believe me, as a perfect stranger, and I had no way of proving it, so 3) it would cause drama with absolutely no possible positive outcome. So I didn’t say anything to her, and whether or not that was the right call, I will never know.

    But I do firmly believe that people ought to know the true character of the person they’re with. Even if it only happened once. Even if they were drunk. Even if all other kinds of even ifs!

    Post # 11
    Member
    3626 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Yes! I wanted to see a poll like this for those who have read that post. I would tell because I’d want to be told.

    Post # 12
    Member
    5148 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Just a note about “devil woman”, it’s not just her fault, it’s the man’s fault too.

    This is a lesson it took me a long time to learn when my ex-husband cheated on me. I HATED the other woman and blamed her for everything; in reality I was still trying to deny my ex-husband could have cheated. The man deserves just as much, if not more, blame than the woman. I had to realize my ex-husband was at fault I could begin the healing process. (Seems easy to do from the outside looking in, but when you’re actually in that situation, it’s very difficult.)

    Post # 13
    Member
    595 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I’d probably confront the cheating partner and give them the opportunity to come clean first.

    Post # 14
    Member
    6021 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Ok I am so torn on this issue and i handle it usually on a case by case basis. If I know its useless to say anything then ill usually not say anything since it will be a wasted effort. There have been certain cases where I have said something because I would not feel right not saying anything simply because I would risk making myself out to be a jerk too. for example…. there was a guy who was in our circle of friends who would bring his gf around us often. he would take her home and then be very obviously picking up women when he came back out, sometimes hooking up with them right in front of us. I spoke up and told him if he was going to do anything he better make sure I did not see it because I would say something to his girlfriend since I knew her so well at that point. If I see it and allow it to go on in front of me I am a guilty party too. Plus I called everyone else out and was like well at least I know now that I cant trust any of you to tell me if anything shady goes on because none of you bothered to open your mouths, so god forbid my Fiance do something when he’s with you and Im not around, lord knows no one will ever let me know. I was not going to be that kind of person. He ended up just cutting it out, at least while he was around me. I cannot stop him from being a dog but I also do not have to sit by and allow it to happen right in front of me and sit there quietly. So you see? its a hard call to make and it all depends on what kind of situation it is and who it involves. This is such a hard call to make though.

    ETA: I used to say “never get involved”. But given certain recent events I realize there are some exceptions. I try and make sure that every choice I make is one I can look back at and feel good about, so I use my better judgement and if it feels like the right thing to do Ill say something. so far I have not had anything blow up in my face either way.

    Post # 15
    Member
    2077 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    If roles were reversed I’d want to know, so yes, I’d tell.

    Post # 16
    Member
    9672 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I had to vote “other.”  Because I think sometimes it is a good idea and other times it isn’t. 

    One time I found out through a reliable source (a guy friend of his) that our mutual married friend was cheating on his wife.  I thought she had no clue and thought about telling her, I figured she had a right to know.  I talked it over with my best friend whether I should tell his wife or not and she told me not to.  She said, “Why cause that woman that much pain?  Why destroy her life over something that isn’t going to change?  She knows on some level, already, that something is wrong with their marriage, but they have been together for 30 years and she will never leave him.  So, don’t tell her in this case, just stay out of it.” 

    So, I didn’t tell her but I’ve always wondered if it was the right decision. 

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