Post # 1
I’d made a thread here a while back about my indecision about what to do with my last name, and after lots of soul-searching and long talks with my fiance, I’ve decided that I am keeping my last name (and he does support this decision!)
Right now, the only people who know are some of our friends. Our siblings and parents do not know. And, to add a little extra complication to things, both sides of our families are SUPER oldschool and traditional, so I fear backlash (I’m talking so traditional that my brother was shocked that we are A, not getting married in a church and B, having a completely secular ceremony. His response was ‘Why even have a wedding then? The ceremony is pointless if it’s not religious’ Just to give you an idea of what I mean here!)
Anyway, the thing I’m wondering now is… Should we tell our families before the wedding? Or would that just make things worse?
I’m hoping some other Bees out there have some experience with this last name thing and having to tell family, and could give me some tips in terms of whether we should tell them ahead of time or just kinda let them find out on their own later? My fiance and I keep going back and forth on whether or not to tell them before the wedding.
Thank you, Bees!
Post # 2
I’d err towards letting them know in advance. My family is fairly traditional, so I’ve been subtly mentioning that I’m double barreling when the opportunity presents itself. Some of them have made a few clever comments, so I’m glad they’re getting it out of their systems in advance. I also had a friend who was keeping her birth name (no double barreling) and finally just made a status that was basically “One month from today, I’ll still be Firstname Maidenname, but I’ll be married to the love of my life” which seemed to get the point across.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
Reading this, my first thought was why tell them? It’s not their decision, and they’ll find out eventually. If you tell them before, I would worry about them making a big stink about it purely in hopes that doing so would change your mind. If they find out afterwards what can they do? The deed is done.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t tell them before the wedding. Why do they need to know? They’ll just give you grief about it, and nobody needs that kind of stress leading up to their wedding. And if they’re passive aggressive, they might threaten not to come to the wedding unless you agree to change your name (or something equally manipulative).
Tell them after you’re married. There’s no need to tell them ahead of time.
Post # 5
I’d probably tell them so as to avoid confrontation and drama about it at the wedding. Also, I don’t know about your circle, but we got 3-4 gifts with our new last name on it like signs or photo frames, lots of checks to our married name, announced that way at our reception etc
Post # 6
Why ever tell them? An annoucement gives the impression that your asking for their input which you aren’t as it’s none of their business and your decision is final. Announcing it makes it seem like a bigger deal than it is. After the wedding just don’t change your name. If and when it comes up afterwards in specific situations just clarify and keep it moving. But most likely it won’t come up a ton, I actually can’t thibk of a circumstance where your spending time with your family and something happens where it even comes up. So why announce it?
Just keep it in context, with any other decision you have made where it’s a firm choice that isn’t changing and it doesn’t actually effect anyone but you, would you announce your decision? Or just make a decision and then if it ever came up clarify your decision and then change the subject.
Your an adult, you don’t owe anyone an explanation, do what makes you happy and when they find out and ask you why you can just say, “ that’s what works for us” and just keep repeating that until they stop.
Post # 7
I never said a word. So far as I can tell everybody just assumed I would keep my name or figured it out.