(Closed) Do you tell your spouse?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: You kissed someone else...do you tell your SO?

    Yes, even if I know it meant nothing, honesty is the best policy

    Yes because it probably points to some underlying issues we would need to work on together

    Yes, even if I know it meant nothing, better my spouse hear it from me than someone else

    No because it was probably just a drunken slip signifying nothing

    No because I think my punishment should be to live with the guilt

    Other (explained below)

  • Post # 2
    Member
    919 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I don’t think I would tell, because the only reason I can imagine wanting to tell would be to assuage my own guilt. I couldn’t justify hurting my SO just so I could get something off my chest. This is assuming it’s a brief slip up like a kiss that means nothing and wouldn’t be repeated–sex and affairs are totally different IMO. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1441 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I’d tell him. If I did that, there would be more to it, and we’d need to work on it together. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    3029 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    Yes, I would share everything with my spouse as I would expect him to share the same with me.

    Post # 6
    Member
    268 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    Yes, because he’d probably think it is hilarious. We are quite open about these things.

    Post # 7
    Member
    904 posts
    Busy bee

    Yes I would tell my DH. We dont keep secrets from each other. If he or I kissed someone else it means our marriage isnt as strong as we thought it was and we needed to work on something. 

    These things have a way of coming out and then biting you in the ass. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    10599 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Yup. But I also don’t drink soooooo

    Drinking is no excuse imo. If you know you can’t handle your liquor then don’t drink.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1991 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I think it depends. If you had 1 too many and pecked someone for a minute, realized it was wrong and stopped- why tell? It was dumb, means nothing, and telling wouldn’t do anything positive. Telling would just lift the guilt off of me and hurt my husband. I’d resolve to work on my marriage (if there were underlying issues) and wouldn’t put myself in that situation again. 

    If I had a work crush on someone, was acting inapropriately and then got drunk and made out with them…that’s different. In that situation, you have to be honest, confess, and see what your spouse wants to do. 

    In the other post I also said wait until after Christmas. That’s because there are kiddos in the picture. Telling your husband 2 days before Christmas and undoubtedly making it awkward, uncomfortable and tense in front of the kids doesn’t make sense. Suck it up, get through the holiday as cheerfully as you can, and then sit down and have the discussion.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1640 posts
    Bumble bee

    I would tell.  Like pp said, obviously more would be going on that we would have to discuss.  Also, it would be my DHs decision about what he wants to do, it’s not fair if he makes decisions without being fully informed. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    45 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: February 2018

    I wouldn’t lie to my Fiance about something like that, no way.
    I was a pathological liar as a teenager so feel very strongly about this as an adult – most of the time lying is lazy, selfish and indicative of bigger issues the liar has with themselves. I consider it a major dealbreaker and I would find it extremely difficult to trust again depending on the severity of the lie/omission.

    I’d imagine telling the truth would not be easy or particularly lessen my guilt (I’d imagine it would increase it, at least temporarily). It would make me accountable for my actions and show my Fiance that I loved and respected him enough to be honest with him.

    I think it’s different if there isn’t an expectation of honesty, though. If you and your partner have decided you’d rather not know if something like this happened to the other person, you do you. Not my business.

    Post # 12
    Member
    5082 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2014

    View original reply
    italianbride0508 :  I agree with this. I can’t say for sure because I’ve never been in this situation, though. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    728 posts
    Busy bee

    Acting like you’re doing something morally sound and doing your SO a favor by not telling them you kissed someone else is a twisted way to talk yourself into thinking you did the right thing. Of course it’s going to hurt them but don’t act like you’re taking the moral high ground, you should have thought about morals before you kissed someone else not when you’re trying to justify keeping it a secret. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    10537 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    Yes, I absolutely tell him. We’ve talked about it and both agree that honesty is the best policy and while we could certainly work through something like a kiss if the other person was honest about it, lying about it would make it so much worse.

    Telling him would be to admit that I did something wrong, to apologize to him, and so that we could BOTH examine the relationship and see if there was something missing or happening that led to going outside the relationship. I just don’t believe it’s okay to keep your partner in the dark about something like that and just try to fix it on your own because that’s just not going to work.

    We don’t lie and keep secrets in our relationship, period. 

    ETA: It isn’t the telling the spouse that hurts them, it’s the action (the kiss itself). You did something hurtful, you aren’t taking the moral high ground by lying on top of it.

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