Good morning, Bees! I just wanted to follow up on this so everyone knows how the talk I was planning went. As I said before, I’m in the “Need a timeline, but doesn’t have to be too specific category”. I initiated the conversation with him by pointing out that my “five year plan” is important to me (which is something he was already aware of), and asking him if he would be willing to talk about how he fits into that plan. He agreed that we could talk about it.
I let him start. I wasn’t expecting him to have so much to say, but I asked him how he was feeling about the couple conversations we had, because I realized they were uncomfortable for him and wanted to be able to understand why. His response, in a nutshell, was to walk me through why he thought it was counterproductive to talk these things to death with him. He also told me that he finds it hurtful that I think we’re not on the same page, since he believes we feel exactly the same way about each other, but he’s moving through the steps according to his gut feeling about when they’re right, and I’m using a fair bit more logic in my own timeline.
I let him continue talking for a while, then took my turn. I told him that he knows how important my 5 year plan is, even if it’s subject to change. I pointed out that with him taking things at his pace (and his pace being the only one that applies), I have absolutely no room for disagreement or adjustment concerning something that is so important/instrumental in my future, and I described how that affects me, as someone who likes having at least a general idea of how things are going to go. I reminded him it wasn’t a matter of me trusting him, but more of me being able to plan my own life accordingly.
He asked me for my timeline. I told him that for my part, a solid plan seemed like a year of dating before moving in, a year of living together before getting engaged, and at least a year before getting married. My variable would be +/- 3 months, with a long engagement being no issue (and even preferable) for me.
He mulled that over, and I asked him if he had ever actually considered a timeline himself. He said that he hadn’t specifically, just that he knew that it wouldn’t take him forever. He was quiet for a bit and continued considering it, and then told me he didn’t think that my timeline was that far off from his… that he was probably within a +6 month margin of error from what I had just mentioned. He said the “by March 1st” date we had previously discussed for moving in was a goal he would work toward.
I think the discussion went really well, and knowing I can start counting on that March 1st date as the latest for him moving in is incredibly helpful. I guess means he’s telling me engagement will happen within the year and a half after he moves in. Hopefully he doesn’t need the whole year and a half, but at least it gives me something to hope for and look forward to, right?