(Closed) Do you think couples should live together before marriage?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think it’s a wise move to live together first, but having said that, I don’t believe that deciding to spend your life with someone should be predicated on whether or not he picks up his socks, so I don’t think it should be a “trial run” for marriage.  

Post # 48
Member
3617 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I always strongly believed you should, otherwise how will you know if you can stand to live with each other for the rest of your lives. However, now in hindsight, I wished we hadn’t.

Post # 49
Member
1919 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I used to be completely adamant that you should live together first. And I still believe its a good decision to do it.

However, I think the length of your relationship prior to marriage really has an importnace in it was well. If you’ve been together 5+ years, you probably know each other really well and would be just fine getting married without living together first. It’s when a couple has been together like a year, haven’t lived together and get married than I get worried. Because I think its pretty hard to know eachother well enough at that point.

Unfortunately, what I think I see often is people who can’t move in/have sex prior to marriage due to religious reasons end up rushing into marriage for the wrong reasons. And that I don’t agree with.

Post # 50
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

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@hisprettygirl:  I pretty much agree with you – for me, getting married is a bit of a gamble and requries a little faith. I don’t know how DH will be as a parent, but from what I can see now, he’ll be great. I don’t know how we’d handle a job loss, major illness, family death,  – lots of big life events. But I have faith in our relationship that we can handle it.

So I guess that’s how I view it. You can’t possibly know everything about your partner and experience all the circumstances you’ll go through in life to know for sure that you can handle it. You have to have faith that you can.

 

@Gemstone – me too, I thought that’s what dating is for! I know that’s what I used all those years for!

 

Post # 50
Member
9024 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@hisgoosiegirl:  “For everyone saying ‘test drive/try it first’ – why wouldn’t you have kids together first then too? I mean, what if it turns out your partner is a terrible parent? You can’t really know until you’re a parent, right?”

 

Good point!!

Post # 50
Member
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Absolutely. Considering this is my third marrriage, if I was Queen of the Universe (and I am obviously NOT), couples would have to know each other a minimum of 3 years before marrying. People need to see how the their spouses-to-be react to situations like extreme disappointment, job loss, loss of a loved one,lack of sleep, illness,  untangling Christmas lights, handling difficult relatives, etc. I think it would significantly reduce the divorce rate if this was done. But hey, that’s just my  opinion!

Post # 51
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@hisgoosiegirl:  If you decide that living together isn’t working and the relationship doesn’t have a future, you can break up and move out and have a fresh start. You can’t put a baby back. Doesn’t work like that. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 52
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012


Mrs. Argentina said “If the fact that we fart in our sleep or leave the cap off of the toothpaste were big deals, then we would all be in a lot of trouble.” Ha! I love this. Very true – hopefully those aren’t the details people are talking about “discovering” before marriage. I can better understand if you want to know a person’s cleanliness, how they deal with difficult emotions, or other more personal things, but I think those can also be determined by just knowing the person you’re getting hitched to, and it doesn’t have to come through living together.

“I also hope that people don’t wait till they are living together or even engaged, to talk about each others finances, and other big topic issues involved with partnership.” Very good point. For my Fiance and I, these kind of topics come up a lot, and from early on in our nearly 2-year relationship.

PuntaCanaBride said, “I think the length of your relationship prior to marriage really has an importnace in it was well. If you’ve been together 5+ years, you probably know each other really well and would be just fine getting married without living together first.” Also a very good point. Very young relationships with hasty engagements sound much more like a big red flag than living or not living together before marriage.

I still maintain that it’s a very personal decision and there is no more right or wrong answer.  Each couple just has to feel it and do it for the right reasons.

Post # 53
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@village_skeptic:  bwahaha so true!!!  the two topics are completly different

Post # 54
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@village_skeptic:  wellllll technically I could leave a baby on the steps of a hospital, no questions asked.  Innocent

Post # 55
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

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@village_skeptic:  so you just gotta have faith that your partner isn’t going to be crazy psycho parent ๐Ÿ˜‰

I realize it’s not the same situation but I’m just pointing it out to some of the more adamant posters that you everyone HAS to live together first. You can’t experience every situation, at some point you have to take the jump! I get that reaching that point of confidence is different for each couple, so to say you HAVE to move in or you SHOULDN’T move in are both silly statements. Everybody’s different ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 56
Member
574 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I think it totally depends on the couple.  I’ve known couples who did and did not live together first, and some on both sides ended up spliting up.

Post # 57
Member
6391 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Sweeping statements about what a couple ‘should’ do annoy me. I believe the world contains too many different personlities for blanket arguments to work. 

DH and I didn’t live together before marriage, and we’re doing just fine at six months :).

Post # 58
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I do. I feel like you don’t REALLY KNOW someone until you live with them. Danny and I lived together for 2 years before we finally got married. 

Post # 59
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@hisgoosiegirl:  Yeah, I’m not of the belief that it should be *required*, especially for folks who would be uncomfortable from a religious standpoint. I would NEVER discourage a friend considering cohabitation before marriage, though. ๐Ÿ™‚

For me personally (who is mondo afraid of change), I have been able to relax and embrace every aspect of the wedding and wedding planning, knowing that when it’s all over, my then-husband and I will simply return to the patterns of the life together that we already love and are comfortable with. I would be a sad panda indeed if I was busy freaking about leaving my parents or ending my “independent” life or just “omg, I’ve never lived with a guy before!” But for some people, that anticipation is an essential part of the ritual of marriage. So…to each their own, but I know what I’d advise for most. Does that make sense?

Also, as far as putting the baby back goes: I think there’s somewhere in Nebraska that you can turn them in until they’re 18. ๐Ÿ™‚

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