(Closed) Do you think couples should live together before marriage?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 60
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Ok, so I will be honest that I didn’t read through all of the responses…however, I felt very strongly about living with the person I was going to marry before marrying them.  What better way to see if you are actually compatible with each other living together?  This isn’t to say that heading straight for living with your boyfriend is right either, but my now fiancee and I agreed that when he moved in, there was no doubt in either of our minds that a proposal would happen soon after.  His parents weren’t all for it, but we won them over with the fact I am also in medical school, he is a 1st year teacher and coach, and if we didn’t live together, we would honestly never see each other.  This was all too true during basketball season, when often the only time we got to see each other was crawling into bed at night.  It scares me to think what would have happened to our relationship if we didn’t live together because we are both so incredibly busy, we would definitely not be as close as we are now.  Plus, what is the point in having two places, paying 2 rents, 2 utilities, etc., when I would have wanted to stay with him every night anyways.  Time wise and financially, it just made sense for us.  In my opinion, if you are sleeping with your boyfriend or fiancee (literally and figuratively), then trying to “not live together” until your married because of religious reasons is kind of defeating the purpose.  Even if you are only staying the night a few times a week, if you are not living together because you think its wrong, then you are already in the wrong.  The only people’s views you are caring about then is society, and I honestly don’t care what other people think about me all that much, I try and make my decisions on what is best for me.  

 

Anyways, what I really wanted to post was this article I found a few days ago that made me grin from ear to ear.  The research done that led everyone to believe that “couples who live together before marriage are far more likely to get divorced” is outdated and not very accurate.  So someone decided to do some new research, and they found that actually, couples that lived together before marriage, that had never lived with another significant other, were actually 28% less likely to get a divorce.  Honestly, I can’t say I am all that surprised, I kind of have the same view that, you would never agree to buy a car without test driving it first.  Not saying that relationships with people are like buying a car, but seriously, I am so glad that our first part of our marriage won’t be spent trying to figure out how to live with each other. As far as the “specialness” part of it, I don’t really see how being forreal married is going to not be special.  I guess one thing that will rock is we actually have another roommate at the moment (a classmate of mine) that neither one of us care for, so she’s getting the boot once we are married, because we want it to be just us.  That will be awesome, can’t wait to suggest naked Sundays! (Kidding..maybe ;] )

Cohabitating for the win 🙂 

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-07-28-cohabitation-research_N.htm

Post # 61
Member
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Nope, we didn’t live together before we got married and I couldn’t be happier with our decision!  It really is a personal thing and is up to each couple individually.

Post # 62
Member
2259 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think living together is valuable before marriage, but I def. wouldn’t do that without commitment involved. Once engagement hits I think it’s a positive thing to see your fiance in as many moods as possible, being together 24/7 if you can may be a good thing. DH and I did this and never looked back. But then… it was right for US… not saying every couple will have the same experiences. We were in a financially tight place and had only each other to rely on. Our enagement would have been so much worse if I didn’t have DH with me every day to get through it. 

Post # 63
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@village_skeptic:  Hahahahaha….I am actually from Nebraska, and for a few months, yes, you could turn your child over to the hospital no matter what age they were.  This was not intended for parents to return their older kids (8, 9, 10 years old), but actually to allow for parents to give up their infant child if they realized they were in over their heads and couldn’t deal with a baby.  The idea was that they would get all these young/broke/drug addict people, etc., to return their infants, then the state would happily adopt them out to couples who are very desperately wanting to adopt a baby.  It only lasted about 3 months and about 20ish older children that were dropped off at hospitals, etc., for the state to realize that made a whoops.  They very quickly changed the law to only a 1 month old or younger baby could be returned, so people who get sick of their kiddos now are out of luck. 

Post # 64
Member
2413 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think you need to, however Fiance stated time and time again that he wasn’t going to propose until we lived together.

Personally, I think that living together and working out the kinks will help us to be a stronger couple, and will allow for a more seameless transition into married life.

Each to their own, though!

Post # 65
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We do and it’s been just fine. It was a huge adjustment and I am so glad we are working out all the kinks now rather than later. That being said I have no issue with premarital sex so for us it was a no brainer. 

Post # 66
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@alaflan:  Hahaha — thanks for clarifying. Loophole = closed!

Post # 67
Member
5408 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@UpstateCait:  “Dating and living together are two TOTALLY different things. Until you spend day in and day out with a person, I don’t think you really know them on all levels which is a prerequisite to marriage for me.”

Totally agree. I think that it’s up to the couple and I don’t judge people who choose not to live together before marriage, but for US it was the right thing to do. Neither of us wanted to get married without living together first. 

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@AlliRae:  “It takes away the special-ness of actually being married. Also, I think that if you are able to honestly assess how well you know each other, there is no reason why you need to “test” your possible marriage by living together.

Actually there was a real reason for Fiance and I haha, like besides making sure we really ‘knew’ each other. We  mostly did it so that we would be able to adjust to living with another person before making such a huge committment. I think it’ll take a lot of pressure out of our first year of marriage because we won’t have to adjust to living together and sharing space 24/7, I don’t think it’ll take the specialness out of it at all (:

Post # 68
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think that different things work for different couples.  It wasn’t something that was “necessary” for me before marriage, but my Fiance really wanted to live together beforehand.  My opinion wasn’t very strong one way or the other, though we’d both been raised to believe it was wrong.  We’ve been living together for almost 2 years now & it’s been great.  I wouldn’t change anything.

My only issue with the topic is some people with Christian beliefs who act like living together is a sin, but yet they have sex with their SO.  My Fiance & I both grew up in Christian households, and from my understanding it’s really not the living together part that is wrong, it’s the assumption that you’re having sex that comes along with it.

Post # 69
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@PuntaCanaBride:  I agree that the length of time you’ve been in the relationship is also a factor. DH and I were together 8 years before we got married, and we didn’t live together beforehand. Once we moved in together, we weren’t surprised by much.  In my circle I’ve seen couples who lived together before marriage, and couples who did not, both get divorced for various reasons. I think couples should do whatever they feel will work for them, and I don’t think either decision will necessarily determine marital bliss or success. 

Post # 70
Member
11533 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am firmly opposed to couples living together before marriage, primarily for faith-based reasons but also for practical ones as well. 

Although I certainly do understand the reasons many people have for choosing to have sex outside of marriage (desire and wanting to determine compatibility, etc.) and for wanting to live together before making a lifetime commitment (determining areas of compatibility/incompatibility, seeing their SOs in “real life” vs. on their best behavior while dating, financial considerations, wanting to share their lives together, etc.), I strongly did not believe in taking either of those steps outside of a marriage commitment.  I have absolutely no regrets about not having taken them, even though I had several long-term relationships in the past and was previously engaged many years ago but broke that engagement, and even though I did not meet my DH and choose to finally marry until I was in my 40s.  

Because faith, beliefs and values are so diverse and personal, I will not delve further into those reasons in this post. However, I will mention a few of the more universal and practical considerations of choosing not to live together outside of marriage.  I see so many posts from waiting bees who are living with their SOs, and they are upset, hurt, angry, and frustrated about the fact that they want their SOs to propose or at least to provide them with timelines for when they can expect proposals.  Many of them chose to live with their SOs with the understanding that marriage was at least a possibility, and they feel as if they are having to wait sometimes years for this hope to come to fruition.  And many of their SOs are simply not in a hurry to make this type of a move. Other bees are already engaged, but their SOs don’t really feel any urgency to commit to a wedding date.  Because couples who are living together are able to enjoy so many of the wonderful benefits of being married, but without the actual commitment of being married, there often isn’t a pressing reason to make that commitment. Whenever the level of investment (emotional, physical, financial, etc.) in a relationship exceeds the level of commitment, there is very strong potential for problems to arise. 

Some other bees have posted that are suprised to have found themselves in very negative, unloving, and sometimes even abusive relationships but that they do not know how to extract themselves from these relationships because they have been with their SOs/FIs for so long and are living with them, have shared bank accounts, etc. and have nowhere else to go. They have invested so much of themselves and their lives (and even their finances and their property) in these relationships that it makes it extremely difficult for them to leave. Of course, I absolutely do realize that some who strongly disagree with me will argue that these negative scenarios provide an excellent example of precisely why couples should live together before marriage, since a break up is much better than a divorce.  Although I completely agree that a breakup is much better than a divorce, I think it’s also important to note that living together still may not protect people from these types of risky, complex, painful, and sometimes dangerous situations and may, in fact, unnecessarily expose them to these negative situations.

Post # 71
Member
9815 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I felt more comfortable having slept with and lived with my husband before we married. I would not (or at least SERIOUSLY reconsider) sign up for “forever” if he was a complete slob or horrible in bed.

ETA: edited my rambling haha
 

Post # 72
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Oh…it’s every couples own decision and I think there have been very successful marriages where the couple did not live together…but..I do think it is a smart idea to live togteher before hand.

Post # 73
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Each couple is different and what works for some may not work for another so it’s a bit ridiculous to make some sweeping judgement. That said it’s interesting to get opinions. 🙂 

 I don’t think anyone has brought this up, so I will say that I think sometimes if you do live together it makes you stay in a relationship that you woudn’t necessarily stay in otherwise because of that fact.  I spent 4 years with a man that in retrospect I shouldn’t have been with more than a week.  It’s not like we moved in together right away, but after we had there were a lot of warning signs it was not a healthy relationship that I ignored because by that point our lives were very intertwined due to the fact we lived together, had dogs, etc.  I lived with my current fiance about 3 years before getting engaged, which has worked out, but I do think if I did it over I wouldn’t live with someone until we were married or at least engaged.  But even then, some people can move in together after a week and work out great and others can do everything traditionally and after 10 or 20 or 40 years, get a divorce.  I don’t belive that any relationship or any way is a given to work out.

Post # 74
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

I think this is a really personal decision and every couple should do what is best for them.

But my personal opinion is that if you are truly compatible, there is no need to live together before marriage in order to reduce the possibility that there could be problems down the line.

If you have good communication and respect for each other to begin with, that trumps any of the issues that may arise — personality quirks, annoying habits, etc. — that may come to light once you get together under one roof.

I’m not a fan of living together before marriage in situations where the woman is hoping for a commitment sooner rather than later, and the man is casual about the whole issue. I think it creates all kinds of problems when the woman is waiting and wishing and hoping for that proposal and ring.

I did not live with DH until after we were married and we are getting along famously. I guess I am just really old-fashioned. I would have felt like it would “jinx” our marriage if we had lived together first. I wanted to do things in the traditional way, but that’s just me. I realize I am in the minority on this issue. To each her own.

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