(Closed) Do you think couples should live together before marriage?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 75
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Living together before marriage is no guarantee that what you experience under the same roof, be it for 6 mnths or 6 yrs, is never going to change.  It;s not guarantee that you will always be able to tolerate his flaws, or that he wouldn’t acquire new flaws 10 or 20 yrs down the line (and vise versa).  So this method of “trying before buying” isn’t foolproof, not hardly.

 

Marriage is a vow to love another person NO MATTER WHAT.  Sickness, health, rich, poor, we all know the vows.  Therefore if you are going to get married for the true reasons (despite religion etc) when you make these vows you are committing to sticking it through the differences, the annoyances and all the “down sides” that come with marriage.

 

Living together is very risky emotionally, as well as financially, without the commitment of marriage, the combining of assets under the Law, the mindset to become ONE with this person in every regard.  Living together makes it a lot easier for one person, or worse – a person and children, to be left abandoned, financially insecure, emotionally shipwrecked when one partner who has not yet made these vows to commit, decides that it is easy to give up when the going gets rough and ignores the cost.

 

I would definitely say if you are not ready for marriage in the true sense – to commit your life to this human’s wellbeing whether or not you are loved in return – don’t bother with it, or with finding some method of “trying it out” just so that you can have an easy escape.

Post # 76
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Personally SO and I fight way more when we’re NOT living together. Funny huh?

I live in a city 4 hours away for school 8 months out of the year currently. We argue so much over silly things because we’re so far away.

It depends on the couple but I do think it would take some of the awkward adjustment out (you do WHAT in the bathroom? etc). I like living with my SO and am not religious in the slightest. I personally feel it couldn’t hurt to live together, you should know what you’re getting into right?

Post # 77
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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@hisgoosiegirl:  THIS

I do not think it’s neccessary and I am someone that has been living with my Fiance for 1.5 years. 

Post # 78
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I used to think that every couple should defintely live together before marriage without a question, and to this day it is a definite must for me personally. However, my mother is currently living with her Fiance and she is completely guilt-ridden and feels like a terrible person for doing it. She does not believe in living together before marriage, and the fact that she is doing it hurts her. So I definitely now understand that it should be up to each couple and their own values, otherwise it could hurt them either way. For her, it hurts her that she is doing it, and for me I think it would hurt me if I didn’t do it.

Post # 79
Member
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I totally think you need to do it but I know its not for everyone. My very best friend lived with her ex for 3 years before breaking up with him. When she met her now husband she did not want to live with him, I think primarily because she really wanted marriage and not a long term live in partner (which I think was the case with her ex). Going in to living together without a clear picture of what’s next is probably not the best idea.

That said I’ve had a few “short term” live in situations with exes (where there was a firm end date because it was only for a summer and we were going back to school) and learned so much more when I was with them all the time. I know things are right with BF now that we’re living together and seeing how we work together to make compromises and deal with conflict. It’s such an amazing contrast from exes that I know things are right.

Post # 80
Member
17 posts
Newbee

To each their own, but for me it’s a definite no.

Post # 81
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

YES. No questions asked. The things you learn about someone by living with them can be relationship-ending types of things. You can’t possibly know if you are entirely compatible unless you have lived together, in my opinion.

Post # 82
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

i have to say the 2 most annoying comments ever that i personally hear in my day to day life, and is not suprisingly echoed in this thread is people who choose not to cohabitate are religious, and you have to ‘test drive it’ first. having my relationship compared to a car is *lovely* hence sarcasm.

i am agnostic and my fi is athiest, so my reasons for not cohabitating is far from religious. its personal. we’ve been together nearly 5 years and i have no desire to live together until after marriage.

ive always seen common law couples as being complacent, they live together like their married what is there to look forward to that is different afterwards? it just seems anti climatic to me. sure you do get the official title and even name change to boot.

i want to go into marriage experiencing new things together, picking out our furniture, designing our home together, the thrill of being able to come home to him everyday, after being so used to living seperately. having our own room. etc etc.

we talked about our cleaning habits, financial habits, likes and dislikes that any discoveries afterwards would be minor. i dont NEED to live with him to know him, cause i already do.

dating IS the test driving, you went through the honeymoon phase, the ‘he is human’ phase, the comfort phase. you see him. thats just my beliefs on it.. everyone has their reasons. these are just mine.

 

Post # 83
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@MsMonkey:  as a person who has dated someone who was abusive, im pretty sure there were signs prior to your clients moving in with their abusers that they probably didnt see or overlooked.

Post # 84
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I personally never wanted to, but I don’t judge poeple who do. I think it depends on the couple. 

We are waiting until we are married, and we have no doubt that we will be fine. I think for some people living together is a great idea so they can see what marriage will really be like, but I don’t think we are those people. He basically lives here now anyways, but even if he didn’t I think if you are extremely open and honest with each other you will be okay.

We just personally wanted to wait to live together, seems really special to us to start our home after marriage.  

Post # 85
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@txbella:  I agree 100%!!!You can definitely fully know someone without living together. I think the people who make life changing discoveries after moving in together were probably not talking about everything beforehand. It kind of blows my mind that people think you can’t fully know someone until you live with them.

My reasons started out as religious, but now it’s more on the side of what you said of wanting to save something special and exciting for marriage.

Post # 86
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@bells:  can I ask why? Other than religious reasons (which are an individual decision), is there any logical reason for waiting until marriage to move in? Dont mean to be snarky at all, just curious.

Post # 87
Member
9832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

i think it depends on the couple, their religion and their culture 🙂 but for me i want to live with my Fiance before we get married 🙂

Post # 88
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

View original reply
@Brielle:  Although I completely agree that a breakup is much better than a divorce, I think it’s also important to note that living together still may not protect people from these types of risky, complex, painful, and sometimes dangerous situations and may, in fact, unnecessarily expose them to these negative situations.

You are correct, it wont protect you, but it will mean you know what you are getting yourself into! None of your examples are good reasons for waiting as they dont solve any of the issues. If someone is abusive, they are abusive no matter if they are married or defacto. If someone is hurt because they have been together for years and there is no ring, they will be hurt no matter what. Living/not living together wont change that (unless you force you partner into marriage which is never recommended)

I dont think anyone SHOULD do anything other than what they feel comfortable with. I personally could not fathom marriage, let along having children with a person I have not lived and shared finances with for a few years. Others could not fathom doing anything so intimate with a person they are not bound to. Its each to their own.

 

Post # 89
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

@bears-bub: “is there any logical reason for waiting until marriage to move in?”

I don’t believe in living together before marriage. I’m not religious (in fact I’m an atheist), so my reasons are logical ones.

*I think living together encourages you to “get stuck” in a relationship which might have ended if you didn’t live together and it was easier to break up. I’ve seen friends get sick of their SO but not break up because it was inconvenient – “he pays half the rent, I have nowhere else to go, moving out is too much hassle” etc.

*I think in many cases, living together delays a proposal. The guy already has a committed live-in relationship and has nothing to gain from proposing, so he doesn’t.

*I think you can learn the important things about someone without living together. I don’t need to know if he drops his socks on the floor etc; that isn’t relevant to my decision to marry him.

*Being married isn’t the same as living together, so I don’t think it’s a fair “trial run”. For one thing, when you’re married you’re committed to each other, whereas when you’re living together you’re still two single people with your own best interests at heart and no guarantees of a future together.

I’m not completely against living together – I think it can be good in some situations, such as:

*Very young couples who are too young to get married but want to experience a committed relationship.

*Couples who are totally committed to each other and the guy still intends to propose fairly quickly even if they live together.

*Engaged couples who are already moving towards commitment.

The one situation in which I do NOT recommend living together is when the woman wants commitment and the guy is dragging his heels. Living together just allows him to have all the benefits of marriage without actually proposing, thereby removing the incentive for him to propose.

As a 30-something woman who’s waiting for a proposal, I feel that moving in with my SO would just encourage him to get comfortable in a live-in relationship and not move it forward by proposing. So in my situation, living together isn’t appropriate as it would probably delay marriage, and at my age I don’t have time for delays!

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