Post # 1
First off i’d just like to say that i’m new to wedding bee and i already love it! I read Mr. Bee’s 3 steps post and i’m going to try to take that in to consideration… Anyways.. The reason for my post is that i’ve been driving myself crazy lately (or i should say crazier than normal) because i’m really starting to wonder if my serious boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is just stringing me along… I’ll also start off with the fact that i know 2 1/2 years isn’t really a long time to wait for a ring, but we’ve known each other a lot longer than that and ever since we first started dating he was telling me that i’m the one and that he wants to get married and have a family. I remember 4 months in to the relationship he was commenting on my friends who got engaged after 2 years saying that we would be married by two years..He was always the one to bring it up and talk about it.. so i always knew we were on the same page with what we wanted in the future. I’m 28 and he is 30.
We moved in together after a year.. he said he wanted to have enought money to buy me “the ring i deserve” He has since got a promontion and makes a really great salary, we rent at the moment and we split everything 50/50, even though i make half of what he makes.. which is fine with me, but i’m just saying that i don’t think money is an issue as far as a ring goes.. I’ve brought up the topic several times.. and i know that this is a touchy subject, because us girls don’t want to come off as nagging but we also know that we have to talk about it as well, just to make sure we’re on the same page in our relationships.. I really don’t “nag” but i’m also just confused because he has talked about it for 2 years and still no ring..
I’m sorry this is such a long post… stick with me 😉
He was going to propose back in October while we were away on vacation.. (he told me this a week after we got back.. because i brought the subject up.. again) but he said he didnt because he was working on the road for 2 weeks right before we left for vaca so he didnt have time to get the ring or talk to my father (which he says he really wants to do first) but in my eyes i feel like if this was his plan he could have done all that in advance.. not with just 2 weeks to spare….
i just feel like these are all just excuses and stall tactics… i dont know what to think anymore…
We just went away for the weekend 2 weeks ago and he told me he was looking at rings but they’re so expensive (he was talking about a $14,000 ring… i told him thats crazy expensive and he doesnt have to buy anything close to that… he also said hes nervous because he wants me to like it.. yada yada… and that he knew he shouldnt be telling me all that but i’m his best friend and he tells me everything… which really melted my heart.. but once again.. It’s just more talk… and thats all i’m seeing is talk…
I was bad and looked on his computer history… i know.. i know.. 😉 and he was looking at rings..then i over heard him with his friend who just got a ring for his gf and he was telling my boyfriend he got it from a family hand down… then my boyfriend was saying he needs to see if anyone has one in his family.. then he was telling the friend that he’s been looking but he got discouraged so he gave up… and also that he needs to talk to my father but the timing hasnt been right… which i dont fully understand either… oh and then he started looking up speed boats for sale… so thats something he doesnt mind springing for!
Ok enough now 🙂 I know this all must sound like the ramblings of a lunatic!
Any insight from anyone out there would be much appreciated… I’ve just been really unhappy lately… I hate to say that, but it’s really all i think about… i’m trying not to loose it and i really do need to try to focus on myself for the time being and to REALLY not bring up the topic anymore because at this point the man definetly knows where i stand… but it’s hard to not be bummed out about it…
Thank you all for listening!
Post # 3
If he was looking at rings and talking to a friend about rings, he’s serious about marrying you. It sounds like he just doesn’t have a clue about this whole process (esp. if he thought a 14,000 ring was necessary). Women grow up learning these things from other women – and it’s embedded into everything we take in from our culture – but men do not have that experience. How many of the stories they grow up with are about this, versus how many stories geared for girls? Many of them have no idea about any of it outside of what they’ve gotten from male-oriented tv shows and movies, and so they ask their friends, which he has.
You may have to take a stronger hand here. Nagging is bringing up something frequently that has already been determined. You don’t need to nag, you need to have a good, clear, definite conversation. You need to ask him what he needs to know to make this easier for him. If you want an elaborate, surprise proposal, I think you’ll be waiting a veeerrry long time. If you’re happy going ring shopping together and doing the whole process as a couple, you can get somewhere.
Post # 4
It doesn’t sound to me like he is leading you on. He just sounds like a confused guy. He definitely would not be talking to his buddy about looking for rings and getting married. I totally get being ansy. I’m 28 as well and by this she you know what you want in a man. I told my husband after 1 year of dating that he had 1 year to propose if he was serious about being together. Within 6 months I had my ring! So cheer up and just have faith in him that it will come, even if it isn’t as soon as you would like but he sounds committed to me!
Post # 5
Thank you professor girl!.. You’re right. They are pretty clueless. But a lot of them figure it out I guess.. It’s not that i need a huge surprise, I think I’ve ruined that a little bit at this point, but I would still like it to be somewhat of a surprise.. If he brought me to pick one out as that surprise I’d be ok with that! But I would hate to ask to go ring shopping. You know what I mean?.. I hope that doesn’t sound diva-ish or anything. I just mean I’d like it to be hisdecision still. Thank you for your response.. It really does make me feel better because I feel like its less hopeless now
Post # 6
Thank you Alexis!! :).. I hate that it’s come to this thing that’sconstantly on my mind.. But it’s good to know I’m not the only one who has beEn antsy! Not by far I know!.i just always worry.. About everything! Lol
Post # 7
Could you ask him if he’d be okay with you sending him links to maybe 5 rings you like? Then he could still surprise you but he’d know your style and what would make you happy. Giving him guidance and a starting point might be the push he needs!
Post # 8
He sounds serious about you! Maybe you can send him some idea truth Blue Nile or a Moissonite company if you like moissanites in his budget to make it easier for him
Post # 9
Thank you 🙂 everyone is so helpful, reallyjust was thinking of leaving a website open on the computer or something! I’d just feel weird suggesting rings to him, because if he still wants it to be a surprise I feel like he might just feel like I’m nagging him.. He told me he looked at princess cut rings and I told him I like them.. I’m honestly not too picky.. I don’t have a specific type of ring I like really.. I’ve seen a few on Pinterest! Maybe I’ll just leave the whole wedding section up on his computer! 😉
Post # 10
@killerQueen13: Reading these and reading your response gives me an idea.
Put together a Pinterest page of things you love, including rings you love, pictures of weddings you love, and a picture of him with a caption that says that he’s what you love most of all. And leave that up where he can see it. It’s more deliberate than just the whole of wedding-Pinterest-world, which could be daunting. It will give him confidence that he can pick what you’d like, and creates a specific list of things that you can use to communicate about what you each want.
I knew a girl in college whose boyfriend needed some galvanizing after they’d had their wedding conversations, and she made a little booklet of “What I Love” from things she cut out of magazines, ending in a page with a picture of him. …He took it with him to the jewelry store.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
I think the whole process can be really intimidating for the guys. Go easy on him and let him do his thing. 🙂
Post # 12
@ProfessorGirl: I like this idea. I think you need to be more deliberate and proactive with it– he’s not going to know what you like if you just show him tons of pictures of everything or just say “sure, I like princess rings, I like everything!”
My Fiance got probably 8 pictures from my BFF (now my MOH) and it helped him so much. He ended up going the custom route to design something and he was still worried I wouldn’t like it! I can’t imagine how he would have felt if he went in blindly!
Post # 13
I don’t think he’s stringing you along, nor do I think you are a lunatic!
It kind of sounds like he’s confused and just wants things to be done the right way. I don’t think he’d be researching rings if he didn’t intend to propose.
Is there any way for you to reassure him that your dad approves of him proposing to you (provided your dad does)? Maybe this will encourage him to ask your dad’s permission.
Also, is there a way that you can show him what kinds of rings you like? Guys tend to be more visual, so maybe when he sees you try on a more moderately priced e-ring, he’ll realize that he doesn’t have to drop $14K to make you happy.
If you haven’t gone ring shopping together yet, I’d suggest that you go on your own to figure out what styles you like so that you don’t confuse him even more!
Post # 14
I agree with PP in that I think you do need to give him some hints about the style of ring you like. He sounds very anxious to pick the right one!
I also think you should have a serious talk, and get it all out. This will eliminate your need to “nag”. I told Fiance at our 7 year anniversary that if we weren’t engaged by 8 years, there would have to be a really good reason for it. Partway through that final year, we reevaluated the timeline with another big discussion, in which I said recognized that neither of us was quite where we thought we’d be, and by the end of the year would maybe be a more comfortable timeline for him. He took it all in, told me “Ok. By the the end of 2012.”. Three weeks after that chat, he proposes… 3 months before our 8 year anniversary (this was in February, we had our 8 year anniversary 2 days ago).
The point of my little anecdote is that they do listen (most of the time) and it seems like your guy is thinking a lot about it. Help him out by giving some suggestions and have a discussion with him and try coming to a timeline you both agree with. It will reduce your need to nag, and might also allow for the “surprise” to happen a little better if you’re not constantly thinking about it.
Post # 16
I was in a string along relationship and you are not in one, trust me. Maybe when the opportunity comes you can say that he seems stressed and overwhelmed and you want to help him. Show some styles of rings you like. That way he will not feel overwhelmed.