(Closed) Do you think I made a mistake? Telling DH that my long-time ex would be there?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i don’t think you’re wrong for telling your dh that the ex might be there–the ex makes you uncomfortable, and knowing that you’re uncomfortable and why is part of a hub’s job description! is there anywhere else that you could go dancing? if that’s the only place, i think it’s fine to go, since this is a hobby you clearly love and would love to share with your dh. and in that case it’s good to forewarn your dh.

Post # 4
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to go try something new infront of an ex of yours?

I know if I was about to try something new with my fh and knew that his ex, who was good at said thing was going to be there?  I wouldn’t feel very chipper about it.

Post # 5
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with Oneeleven.  I wouldn’t want to go do something that I knew my DH’s ex was good at and that she would be there.  Maybe give him some lessons prior to going out so he at least feels comfortable with what he is doing. 

Post # 6
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree with Finnaroo. Is this the only swing dance venue around? Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would want to go to a different dance venue, but if it is the only place around, just ask your husband if he is cool with going to this one? Your ex is in the past and you could bump into him or any other ex somewhere at any time, anyway. Maybe it won’t be that uncomfortable. Worth a try!

By the way, I used to swing dance and LOVED it! I miss it! Hope you have fun.

Post # 7
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s good you told him.  He would probably be mortified showing up there and THEN you being like, “Oh yeah.  My ex is here.”

Post # 9
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@oracle: aww i’m glad i helped! and in response to your response to oneeleven–if it’s causing you anxiety, which it seems like it is, i still think it’s better to be open about it. it’s better for both people to be anxious together, because then you talk about it and that always helps me ease my anxiety, then for you to hold it all in yourself.

Post # 10
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I go dancing regularly as do you! Fi dosen’t come though. Anywho, I don’t think you did bad at all. In fact, I think you did right be warning him because HE could have been blindsided by his presence. So here’s what you do: NOTHING. If you see your ex so what, if he actually has the balls to ask you to dance decline. End of story. Though he shouldn’t be stupid enough to ask seeing how you’ll have the husband already with you.

It isn’t even an issue, unless you make a big deal out of it. So don’t and you’ll be just fine.

Post # 11
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

@oracle:

I didnt think it changed his mind but I thought perhaps that it may be the reason his mood switched a bit as you mentioned. 

I hope he falls in love with it as much as you love it 🙂

 

Post # 12
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think you made the wrong decision in telling him your ex would be there.  If it were me, I would have done the same because I would expect to be told before going into the same situation if roles were reversed.  My SO, however, probably would rather not know.  You’ve already told him, so now just make sure you make him as comfortable as possible.  I hope y’all have a great time dancing!

Post # 13
Hostess
16195 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You were absolutely right to tell him. I know his reaction wasn’t pleasant, but he really needs to know the truth about things like that. And he should have a choice about whether he wants to be in the same place as your ex; not telling him doesn’t give him a choice. If he’s okay with going, then try not to make a big deal about it. If it comes up again, just tell him that you wanted him to know because you love him and honesty is important.

Post # 14
Member
2142 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@oracle: Have you explained to your Darling Husband that in social dancing it is the follow’s perogrative to turn down a dance and that a lead pestering is incredibly bad form? Fh and I went dancing once a location back home that we knew had a small chance of my ex being there. He wasn’t but FH appreciated in the ending expecting it rather than surprising him. Also knowing that I wouldn’t want to dance with my ex was a comfort, and that my ex couldn’t insist on a song.

I know you said he seems set on that one venue but have you suggested to him other specific places? I’ve heard great things about Rusty’s Lindy by the Sea/Rythm Club as well as the Lindy Grove and the Atomic Ballroom. (FH went on the Lindy Cruise with a bunch of the LA crowd the other year and had glowing things to say about them). 

Frankly, I’m jealous you’ve got such a great scene there! I’m sad I’m missing my chance to see a lot of the LA dancers next weekend when they’re at LindyFest. DFW is great but we only get a chance to go up maybe once a month, and that’s when I’m not laid up.

Post # 16
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Of COURSE you were right to tell him!  It’s an awkward thing in any circumstance, but can you imagine if your ex came up to you – or even worse – just him while you were in the bathroom or something?  Now he’s prepared and got the awkward moment over with at home, rather than being blindsided in public.

Hope you guys have a great time.  I used to swing dance regularly a while back, and omg it is SO fun.

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